I'm sorry that this recap is a bit late, but I had a bunch of stuff to take care of this morning, then an afternoon appointment at the lady doctor, then had to do some damage on a Subway Sandwich (double meat for life). We have MUCH to discuss, jazzy cats. Last night was only episode 2, but this season of The Bachelor is moving at hyper speed (they grow up so fast!) and we had bare boobs, the refrain of "we had sex" on a loop, and a dismissal!! All in episode frigging TWO!!!
Things kicked off with the ladies drinking mimosas after a few hours of sleep (goodness gracious ladies, pace yourselves! It's only the first day!) and Chris Harrison appeared to give them the low down: there's 22 of you and this week will see 2 group dates, a 1:1 date, and some ladies straight chilling at the Bachelor Mansion all week long. Hope you brought a good book, homebodies. JK! You aren't allowed to read or do anything but drink, tan, and talk about Nick!!
The first date card appears and the lucky lasses are Corinne (Tierra times ten), Vanessa (trilingual Mother Theresa with great hair), Sarah (smiley), Alexis (dolphin/shark/so Secaucus it hurts), Hailey (girl I predicted to be the house villain when I was just a young tyke and I underestimated Corinne), Lacey (NYC blonde girl who seems sweet... but a bit simple?), Brittany (bland brunette), Jasmine G. (beautiful NBA dancer), Raven (Arkansan Razorback), Danielle L. (manicure salon owner who rocked a J. Lo style low cut dress on night one), Taylor (23 year old shrink), Elizabeth W. (bland blonde). The note card says "always a bridesmaid..." so you know what that means: load up the mid-sized Chevy convertibles and cruise down the Pacific Coast Highway cause it's time for a photo shoot in bridal wear! And yes, bridal wear can mean a fake pregnancy belly (Bachelor producers had on hand from Claire's entrance during Juan Pablo's season), a set of costumes for an 80s style bridal party, and hell, a bikini bottom made of leaves!! Franco does what Franco wants!!
[Aside: Lordy Lordy that photographer Franco was a character, huh? He reminded me of the kind of lecherous "photographers" who are always asking young starlets to take photos at his "studio" (apartment) then selling those sexy shots to US Weekly when said starlets grow up to be Madonna or Emily Ratajowski.]
Corinne brags that she has "never been a bridesmaid" (maybe because you have no friends?) and she is just a "natural born bride" (huh?) then throws a temper tantrum when Brittany's topless/leaf panties getup out sexes her comparatively modest white bikini top and veil.
|Some people like to watch the sunset--I prefer to watch Corinne take it on the chin.|
The photo shoot goes down and in a move straight out of the hit show UNREAL, all of the girls watch as assorted brides have their way with groom Nick--posing with him, grabbing him, kissing him. Alexis really commits to the shotgun bride thing and has a ton of fun, Taylor is dressed up for a princess wedding that looks more like a Quinceanera (poofy dress, tiara), Hailey has a "biker wedding,"and finally Corinne and Nick hop in the pool for their poor imitation of Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson's legendary surprise wedding in Cancun. Corinne removes her white bikini top (a real shame because, as we all know, I LOVE a white bikini both on myself, and on Bachelor villains) and hugs Nick (who looks somewhat stunned/scared/horrified), then faces the camera and forces him to "do a Janet Jackson" and cup her breasts from behind. Goodness gracious, is THAT Janet's legacy? Not her amazing work on Rythm Nation? Not her friggin' Herb Ritts video for "Love Will Never Do" (SO GOOD)? Not her plea to the youth of America to keep it in their pants with "Let's Wait a While?" Cupping tits? Bah.
Franco the photographer is a creep and a half (or maybe he was just SUPER euro?)) so of course he awards Corinne the "winner" (was the prize a cruise down the driveway in the back of a Chevy convertible?) and adds to how insufferable she is.
Later at the after party Taylor drops the wisest line of the night: "I've met girls like Corinne before and they're not my friends" (AMEN) as Jasmine G. says that Corinne needs to CALM DOWN because she looks thirsty as hell.
Corinne's mantra, though, seems to be THIRSTY SCHMIRSTY as she interrupts Nick and a girl THREE times (with TWO times reserved for Taylor, so maybe a total of four times? I hate math) and tells him that she wears her heart on her sleeve (yeah ya do) and kisses him repeatedly. Aside from Corinne, Jasmine G. and Lacey both get kisses from Nick, Alexis has a fun conversation with him, and Raven gets the third degree from him.
Later on, Corinne gives all of the women a very unnecessary tough love speech about how things work on The Bachelor (oh won't you tell us, fellow contestant who has never been here but has also had access to network television for the past few decades?) and in so many words remind them that they aren't here to make friends (you sure as hell aint), and they have to get used to interruptions, and that you can only be here for YOURSELF, no matter what. I get what she's saying, but her brain seems like a really sad, sad place to dwell. Also, she's been drinking to much.
As if things couldn't get worse, Nick joins the ladies to finish off the night and hands the rose to Corinne! You are creating a monster, Mr. Viall. Corinne sounds like Ivanka Trump, saying: "my dad would be proud, even thought I was naked--he would be proud."
Back at the house, Liz the Doula is playing a remix of her favorite record on repeat: 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding. That one never gets old, now does it?
Liz wants to confide in someone and who better to reveal her casual sexcapades than Christen, a 25-year-old virgin from Oklahoma who is saving herself for marriage!!!??? Great call, Liz!! Christen seems pretty stunned by this revelation and as we go to commercial, we see a shot of a deflated, pink swan float, the universal sign for SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN!! And it's not Liz on Nick--it's emotional stuff!!
The next day, Danielle M. (neonatal nurse from WI, blonde) and Nick head out for a 1:1 date that resembles an episode of RICH DICKS (Kroll Show RIP): a helicopter ride to a yacht where they sip bubbly and make out in a hot tub.
That night over "dinner" (2 drinks apiece--what is this, my favorite meal at Hamilton College?) Nick gives a friggin' monologue about his dating history with Andi and Kaitlyn (just me, or did he sound pretty self-impressed?) and then Danielle M. pulls out the big guns and reveals that her ex-fiancee died of a drug overdose and she found him. Not that this is the Heartbreak Olympics (it is), but Danielle M. wins for tragedy. They kiss, he gives her a rose, then they make out on a ferris wheel.
The next day is another group date and the gang is Christen (do you love her wackadoo hair scarves or is that just me?), Josephine (wearing a top straight outta a West Roxbury grandmother's couch cushion cover), Astrid (poor man's Vanessa), Jaimie (curly blonde hair), Kristina (adoptee Rusky), Liz (OH SHIT NICK YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO).
The ladies get dressed up in a uniform of wedge heels, daisy dukes, and flowy tops (goodness gracious it's like they bought every item in Raven's Arkansas boutique) and head to Hollywood where they look at an exhibit in the Museum of Broken Relationships and then watch a "live symposium" of breakups (oh you mean a shitty improv show?). Each girl must dump Nick (HONK!) and most of them have fun with it and are silly, except for Josephine (who slaps him across the face HARD) and Liz (SURPRISE SURPRISE). Liz reads him a bizarro letter about how they met and Christen, the only person who has any clue what is going on, is like...
In her letter, Liz says that she wishes Nick had "fought for me" which is weird because HE asked for YOUR digits, girl, and YOU said no. Nick refuses to play along and basically gives her nothing, which was painful to watch and also amazing.
Nick rocks a camo shirt at the after party (great pick!) and says "I'm living my nightmare" before diving into a night of conversations with the ladies during which he tries to stay focused while thinking, "oh shit did Liz tell them all that we had sex / 9 months ago / at Jade and Tanner's wedding / we had sex / 9 months ago?" Nobody brings it up (and he seems to have solid chats with all the ladies) until Christine who drops the bombshell (while looking gorgeous--she's cute as a button).
Nick then pulls Liz aside and asks her straight up why she's here--she could have given him her number when he asked for it (9 MONTHS AGO), she could have connected with him via mutual friends if she had wanted to, why now? Her answers are nonsensical--he was going on Bachelor In Paradise (OK, for 1 month out of those infamous NINE) and she hates talking on the phone (who doesn't?).
|For a girl being dumped on national TV, Liz sure is smiley! But it's a pretty creepy smile.|
But DoulaGate has only just begun, dear readers: Since Christen knows and the ladies will eventually notice that Liz is missing (dammit), Nick has got to tell them the truth: that he and Liz had sex, 9 months ago, at Jade and Tanner's wedding (THE RE-REMIX). Nick starts ripping off the Band Aid immediately, telling the ladies at the after party the truth. Astrid grabs her face (or was it Jaimie in a Vanessa mask? Who knows) and you better believe there will be tears as the other women learn the truth.
I gotta quote Chris Harrison and say that this may have been the MOST DRAMATIC second episode ever!! Thoughts? Concerns? Celebrations?
Click here to listen to me and my pal Dava talk about this episode! It's hilarious!