Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 4: There IS Justice In the World

My middle sister Laurel and I have always said that the Coppock family is a family that loves justice.  We have a hard time sitting idly by and watching injustice occur—we seek justice and think that fairness is important. Which is why Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor was so delicious.  Mercury may be in retrograde (at least until midnight Monday night) but damned if episode 4 didn’t make things seem right in the world. 

The episode kicks off with the ladies “casually” hanging around in the Bachelor mansion saying that the vibe has changed.  Chris Harrison appears and says that their next destination is “the marriage capital of the world” (Salt Lake City, Utah for those Mormon brides? Appalachia for those child brides?)—LAS VEGAS!  More like the divorce capital of the world, am I right, Britney Spears? 

The ladies walk around the Vegas Strip and come upon a giant sign that says “Welcome to Vegas. I can’t wait to see you –Ben.” The women find this gesture WILDLY romantic and head back to their gorgeous suite in the Aria hotel.  The twins make use of the fitness center and “work out” by sharing a treadmill and walking slowly at a zero incline.  Keep up the hard work, Parent Trap!

Jojo scores the first date card (“you set my heart on fire”) and with that text, I’m hoping that they are going to see the live show of Backdraft (yes that’s a Waiting for Guffman reference, Corky St. Clair!).  Jojo gets ready and when Ben picks her up from the suite, Olivia is giving serious bitch face. In her interview, Olivia says “Ben is like, my piece—I’m Zen with Ben—I’m good.” Wow--I haven’t heard anyone refer to anyone as “their piece” since middle school.  Jojo and Ben sip champagne on a helipad and then their helicopter lands nearly on top of them, knocking over their glasses, then their table, and forcing them to run for cover from the whipping winds.  Jojo’s flowy black shirt is nearly ripped off of her and they make out behind the upturned table like two army privates sucking face in the trenches.  Jojo asks Ben “how does my hair look?” which was one of the more relatable moments of the episode. The ladies in the suite above watch it all unfold and can’t stop rubbernecking until someone finally states the obvious “are we watching them kiss?” and they scatter into their respective beds to cry and stare at the ceiling. 

That night Ben and Jojo get dressed up and eat dinner inside a suite at the MGM Grand. Jojo is rocking a fierce black, fancy jumper (very American Hustle—I love it) and they chat over “dinner” (drinks and probably prop food since it never gets touched).  Jojo says that she wants to open up to Ben and share the things from her past that make her cautious today, but her “big reveal” is a strangely vague, hard-to-follow situation.  She doesn’t even use a pronoun!  She says that she ended her last relationship 5 months ago (after a year and a half together) because she wasn’t the only person with "this person" (huh?) and that situation gave her trust issues. Ben asks if she was cheated on and she somehow avoids answering it, preferring to only say that this vague situation has made her cautious.  Huh? There’s no there there. Either Jojo is hiding a VERY serious situation (was she a mistress like Ashley’s sister from Bach In Paradise?) OR that whole “big reveal” is a lie but she wants to have SOMETHING to “reveal” and she’s not good at lying so she keeps it vague (a rookie liar's mistake).  Who knows? Either way, her hair and fashion style RULE. Ben gives Jojo a rose then leads her out on the deck where they watch a fireworks display that was set up just for them.  The fireworks are being set off from the roof of the Aria hotel directly on top of the other concubines—I mean, ladies. There’s no more brutal way to experience fireworks than to FEEL them but not SEE them and know that somewhere nearby, your boyfriend is making out with your friend while watching those same fireworks.  It’s like a sad, creepy “Somewhere Out There.” 

Up next is a group date and the gang is Amanda (valley girl mama), Jubilee (a woman of MANY talents, we soon learn), Caila (that hair!), Lauren B (blonde dream girl), Amber (ugh—she’s still here?), Haley (one of the twins), Emily (the better twin), Leah (a blondie that I LOVE), Lauren H (a blondie that I HATE), Jennifer (wake me when she’s gone), Rachel (unemployed Arkansan who has made ZERO waves), and a girl who thinks she’s too good for group dates, Olivia. 

The date card said “show me what you got” and no, that doesn’t mean a wet T-shirt contest (sorry, boyfriends/husbands who were forced to join Bachelor Nation), but rather, a talent show!  Ben and the ladies enter the gorgeous Vegas showroom of Terry Fator, a man who describes himself as a guy who “does impressions of singers through puppets without moving my lips.” I believe there’s a word for that, Terry, and it’s VENTRILOQUIST.  In between making puppet Elvis call the girls “sexy,” Terry informs them that they will each be performing a talent in front of 1,200 people as his opening act tonight.  We quickly discover that almost none of these girls have any talent, save for the twins who do Irish step dancing (impressive) and Jubilee who plays the cello (more impressive).  Everyone else does silly tricks (juggling, hula hooping) except for Olivia who seems to think that being pretty is a “talent” so she dons a slinky showgirl outfit (garters and everything! How ya like that, 1,200 Americans who paid money to watch a funny ventriloquist?) and emerges from a giant cake.  Her plan was to basically wing it, with some “shimmy shimmy” and kicks (as she described it) and it was PAINFUL to watch.  Deliciously painful. Call me Justice League cause I LOVE watching the intimidating, mean spirited bully EAT SHIT before a crowd of 1,200 horrified onlookers. The icing on the cake is that after her cringe-worthy performance, she got zinged by a puppet! Bless you, Terry Fator.

This seemed like such a great idea mere moments ago!
Is this seriously happening?
Dear God. I'm FROM here and this is brutal.
Post-show the ladies are toasting their fun opening acts and Olivia LOSES IT, which was also fun to witness.  She is mortified because she gambled and lost with that performance and now she fears that Ben doesn’t see her as “marriage material.”  Girl, it’s not that you’re no longer marriage material, you’re just hella corny.  Olivia plays the card that embarrassed Bachelor participants LOVE to play—she “hyperventilates” and has a “panic attack” (I am sure that these are REAL things that CAN happen to SOME PEOPLE but I am also sure that they were NOT happening to Olivia at that moment). 

That night the afterparty Ben refers to lovely Caila as a “sex panther,” Lauren H. kisses the weird “Little Ben” puppet, and Olivia tries to frame her horrific performance as “getting out of my comfort zone” and she ended up being “awkward  and not sexy—that’s me.” Ben basically won’t have it and keeps saying, “what you talking about? Today was great” which was kind of him (to downplay it) but you could tell that the spark is GONE between them.  Their conversation is disrupted by Haley, and Olivia wanders off, bewildered as to how she is feeling.  What is going on here!? This feels strange? I am NOT BEING WORSHIPPED? I don’t like this! I shall chew on my fingers!

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Also, girl, I highly encourage you to get a warmer blonde color in your hair—that drab, cool, grey-ish blonde is doing NOTHING for you. 

Later, Olivia gets 1:1 time with Ben, during which she apologizes more, awkwardly dances/snaps, and generally acts THIRSTY AS HELL.  The group date ends with Ben giving Lauren B. a rose (she’s looking great in light separates and heels) as Olivia looks on and says that “it hurts my brain.”  God I love this show. 

The next day Becca gets a 1:1 with Ben and it starts with a wedding dress being delivered to the suite as Jubilee jokes, “she’s the perfect person to wear white.” Becca gets driven in a convertible (brutal on the hair) to the LittleWhite Chapel where Ben is waiting for her on bended knee, asking, “Becca, will you marry… other people with me today?” It’s a misdirection and he’s an ordained officiant who can legally marry people! Line up, Bachelor Nation fans, and break our your best Tuxedo T-shirts cause Ben + Becca are going to marry you off in front of a camera!  Bachelor producers have finally figured out how to have this show result in marriages: Bring in randos who want to get married! 

That night, Ben and Becca go to the Neon Graveyard in Las Vegas and have a heart-to-heart during which they talk about their faith, virginity, and commitment.  Those two kids have a strong connection and Becca scores a rose.   

The next day we have a mini hometown date for twins Haley and Emily, since they’re from Las Vegas and their equally blonde mother lives nearby with a ton of small dogs. Ben chats with each girl individually while surrounded by PINK body spray and photos of their ex-boyfriends, then he sits down with their mother. She’s a sweet and lovely women, but I haven’t seen that much bronzer on a face since my family held a Bronzer Intervention for me circa 2006.  Blonde Mama explains that Haley is more shy while Emily is more dominant and gregarious.  Ben picks Emily, the entire family ugly cries, then they leave and head back to the hotel for the cocktail party. At least Haley can nurse her broken heart at home with Tan Mom. 

The ladies are dressed up and Olivia’s plan to grab Ben right away is thwarted by snooze-a-thon Jennifer who snaps him up.  Olivia has fallen so far, it feels like watching a former NBA All Star who somehow can’t make a single basket now AND I LOVE IT.  Olivia eventually gets 1:1 time during which she assures Ben that she’s NOT insecure (yeah, and Lace wasn’t crazy) and Ben tells her to stop apologizing please. I love it, I love it, I love it!!!! 

Before you know it, it’s rose ceremony time and Becca, Jojo, and Lauren B. already have theirs.  Ben tells the gals that he belives his wife is standing there, then hands them out to:
-Amanda – mother of 3, cute red dress
-Lauren H. – bad accent blonde, cool back to her black dress but I generally dislike her
-Jubilee – nice black lacy dress
-Emily – funny twin, bold lip, niiiiiice
-Caila – sparkly white dress, looking great
-Jennifer – brunette in sparkly white dress (did Olivia say “SERIOUSLY?” quietly as Jennifer’s name was called? Did you catch that?)
-Leah – blonde, hot dress w/ cut outs that was Ice Capades-y but I love it

and coming in LAST, the dregs of the round,

-Olivia – grinning and saying “Benjamin, you’re sending me a message here—best for last, right?” Erm, no.

So who’s hopping a Greyound bus home?
Amber (who sealed her fate last week when she cornered Jubilee in a bathroom and told her to stop crying so that she could insult her) and Rachel (who perhaps shouldn’t have said she was “unemployed” but rather, “freelance journalist” or something?). 

Up next the gang heads down to Mexico where everyone is thirsty for Coronas and Olivia is just plain thirsty.