On episode 3 of The Bachelor, we saw a date that was so self-parodying it felt like an episode of Burning Love, Olivia got choked up over her cankles, and Lace made the healthiest decision of her tenure on Bach.
Lauren B., the sweet, blonde stewardess who either doesn’t have much personality or is an expert at revealing herself slowly in time, scored the episode’s first 1:1 date with Ben. They drove to the airport in Ben’s convertible and Lauren foolishly didn't put her hair up as they cruised. Look, I know that a bun isn't the most flattering look, but sometimes you gotta protect your hair and/or build volume for later.
They arrived at the airport and boarded a tiny plane because there’s no better date activity than your profession, right? How would Ben feel if Lauren B. surprised him with a date that was a software trade show? They landed in the middle of nowhere and, as luck (and Bachelor producers) would have it, there was a Jacuzzi sitting in the middle of an empty field! Lauren B. rocked a white bikini top (my favorite) and the couple canoodled in the hot tub as I stared at Lauren’s roots. RootWatch 2016 has officially begun and it’s taking place on Lauren’s sweet head. That evening over dinner, Lauren tells Ben that she grew up in a “really strong knit family environment”(do ya mean close knit or tight knit, blondie?) and talks about her father’s simple pleasures that inspire her. Ben gives her a rose and then walks her to a barn where a country trio named Lucy Angel is performing. I’m a big country fan and like to think that I know some D list country singers, but Lucy Angel was news to me.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Caila gave us our first ugly cry of the episode within the first 14 minutes because she somehow JUST realized that her boyfriend is dating all of her friends and they all live together. Don’t you hate it when you realize that you’re on The Bachelor while you’re on The Bachelor? It’s like Groundhog Day, but every day you wake up and obsess over the same dude and hope he’ll keep on liking you.
The next day is a group date and the gang is mother of 2 Amanda, twin Haley, forgettable brunette Jennifer, vodka Ruski Shushanna, blonde with dark eyebrows Leah, second time around Amber, corny blonde Lauren H., ugly toed Olivia, poor man’s Amber Jami, random brunette Rachel, other twin Emily, and still unraveling Lace. The ladies form a parade of yoga pants as they enter the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum and reveal that they ALL slept through gym class because they’re ignorant to the simple basics of soccer. Lindsay says that she has “no ball handling skills” (I believe her), Leah’s eyebrows increase their intensity, and Olivia looks pretty rough when her hair isn’t worn down and curly.
The women split into two teams—stars and stripes—for a tournament, the winners of which will get to attend the afterparty with Ben. Lace plays goalie but doesn’t realize that soccer goalies may use their hands (HAVE NONE OF THESE GIRLS EVER GLANCED AT A SOCCER GAME ON A TELEVISION?) and Amber manages to score the game winning goal in sudden death, securing the stripes team a place at the after party.
At said after party, Olivia rocks a cute blue dress but her hair is hella drab, Amber looks cute in a green dress and gets her first kiss with Ben, and Emily wins my heart. In a typical Olivia move, she pulled Ben away as soon as the party started and then shouted down to the ladies from Ben’s deck (to be sure they know that she’s up in his room—cool move, bro). The remaining women begin badmouthing Olivia (she was asking for it), saying that she has ugly toes and then in a private interview, twin Emily lets it rip, saying that Olivia has fake boobs, ugly toes, and bad breath. When did Emily get a personality transplant? Or did it comes in the mail? Either way, keep it up, girl! Later, Jami pulls Olivia aside and tells her that the girls were talking smack about her and Olivia guesses that it was about her bad legs and cankles. It’s not! It’s about your ugly toes and bad breath! Oh man, that was the most unintentionally hilarious exchange of the night! Also, after that moment, I noticed more leg/ankle shots of Olivia than ever before. If you tell Bachelor producers what you’re self conscious about, they will focus attention on it, friends.
At the end of the date, Amber scores a rose but I’m sure Ben regretted that choice at the cocktail ceremony.
The next day is a 1:1 date between Jubilee and Ben and Jubilee’s nerves unfortunately manifest in a sour attitude and awkward jokes. Ben arrives at the house with a helicopter to whisk them away and all Jubilee can do is complain that he’s 20 minutes late and she’s afraid of heights, so the helicopter transportation is terrifying for her (not to mention, maybe it gives her flashbacks to her military service?). Jami (as my friend Dava described her, Fake Amber) describes Jubilee’s behavior as awkward, but uses the phrase “awk-o taco” to mean awkward (I can only assume). Hey ya know what, friends? Not every word and phrase needs to be made into some weird catchphrase. You could just say “awkward” and it’s OK.
Jubilee softens up once she and Ben are alone, though, and they have a fun afternoon together eating and spitting out caviar and playing shuffleboard (a date straight out of a retirement home). She tells Ben that she LOVES hot dogs, which is bizarre to me since hot dogs are widely known as garbage tubes, but to each her own. She refers to getting the 1:1 date card as “one of the better moments of my life” and then ribs Ben, calling him “white boy” which cracked them both up.
That night over dinner, Jubilee speaks more about her traumatic childhood, sharing that her entire family is dead and she has intense survivor’s guilt (I can only imagine) and difficulty making friends and letting people in. Ben plays the role of gentle Barbara Walters, asking follow up questions to draw Jubilee out of her shell but giving her room to breathe. I started crying and I wasn’t even drunk. Ben gives Jubilee a rose and she gets up and leaps into his arms, then sits on his lap, and it’s so darn cute I kept crying. Damn you, Bachelor producers! Quit playing with my heart.
When Jubilee returns from the date with a rose, the other women seem surprised and it smells a tiny bit like some faint racism/classism here with Lauren H’s comment that “Ben wants to have a wife who will be friends with the other soccer moms who will set up playdates with other kids parents.” Really? When did BEN say that, huh? Also, who says that Jubilee can’t be that person? She’s not a warm, fuzzy person right away—that’s OK. There’s nothing wrong with having your guard up a bit not being a walking wound like Lace.
That night Ben starts the cocktail party by sharing the somber news that 2 pillars of his community died in a plane crash the night before and that he’s a bit down, but excited to be there. Before he can finish commenting on the recent tragedy, Olivia is pulling him aside to launch in on a tear filled monologue about how much she hates her legs and cankles. You can’t make this shit up!
Jubilee asks Ben to trust her, then leads him down to a massage table because nothing says “I’m sorry your friends died” quite like a clothes-on massage beneath a spotlight. Jami interrupts the massage because nobody in this house knows how to mind their own business and then Amber attempts to lure Jubilee into a “conversation” that is more of an attack (as Caila put it nicely). Jubilee tries to avoid the drama by walking off but Amber follows her into a bathroom to “clear the air” about all the “tension in the house.” You know what makes MORE tension? Cornering someone and telling them not to cry, then attempting to wave away their tears—THAT CAUSES TENSION, AMBER. Blech. Also, talking about Jubilee to ben as if Jubilee is not sitting right there—that also causes tension, you moron. Blech. Amber dug her own grave and I’m confident that Ben will send her packing next week. He very gentlemanly defends Jubilee, saying that he likes her sense of humor and candor.
Finally, Ben sits down, emotionally exhausted and ready to hand out some roses and hit the sheets but Lace wants to talk. Oh Lordy Lordy. Ben obliges and they go outside where Lace shocks Bachelor Nation by saying that she needs to focus on self-care and leave the show. She says that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else (which I don’t entirely agree with because there are plenty of messed up people out there in relationships and I don’t think there’s some magical mindfulness moment at which you are guaranteed to find a mate—we’re all evolving each day) and leaves the Bachelor Manse. Goodbye, Lace. We hardly knew ye.
Finally it’s rose ceremony time and Jubilee, Lauren B., and Amber already have roses. Who joins them in the winner’s circle?
-Lauren H (corny blonde whose assumption about soccer moms made me gag)
-Amanda (wearing a very drab dress, but you can’t wear your favorite dress every night, I suppose)
-Becca (in a killer pink dress with great hair)
-Haley (the non-funny twin who resembles a painted lady with that look)
-Emily (the funny twin in a maroon dress)
-Rachel (brunette who went on her first date of the season this episode)
-Caila (has a good head about her, rocking a sparkly dress that I dig)
-Jojo (in a fantastic red dress, nice earrings)
-Jennifer (show off all the cleavage you want, but you’re still a snooze and a half)
-Leah (she’s a lovely girl and seems cool, but those eyebrows!)
-Olivia (who has gone from first to LAST thanks to her vanity and cankles diatribe and I sort of love it)
So who is going home? The poor man’s Amber aka Jami and the Russian girl Shushanna. Gotta say, I won’t miss either of them.
Next week, Olivia’s delusion tour continues as the gang goes to Las Vegas! I’m just hoping that we can see a shot of her infamous toes.