This week, The Bachelorette was like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves except Andi is pretty tan and there were 8 remaining suitors. But pretty close! And when Cody isn't busy doing his best impression of Macklemore on Roids, he'd probably make a good Doc. The crew was in beautiful Venice, the city where I was once pulled aside on public transportation (a boat) and brought to the captain's quarters so that 3 handsome Italian men could stare at me and exclaim "Bella! Belissima!" as I stood there awkwardly. (The situation sounds like a creepy humblebrag, I know, but Italian men just have a way of being sexy and non-creepy and it's a straight-up BRAG!)
Andi snaps up Nick for the first 1:1 date (sorry, Cody!) and they hop in a gondola that is adorned with a plaque that says "don't fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, but with the woman who makes the world more beautiful" which Nick calls "apropos." Not to sound like a shit stirring member of the MAURY audience, but did he just call Andi ugly? Are you going to let him disrespect you like that, girl? [takes off hoop earrings, removes shoes] Andi confronts Nick about how many of the guys hate him (turn off), saying that she doesn't find it attractive for someone to have enemies that easily. Amen, girl! Also, dude kinda suxxx.
That night Andi & Nick get decked out in their black tie best, rock some creepy Venetian style masks, and make out in front of a trio of musicians. They have undeniable chemistry and Andi says that when she's with him, she feels like she's either "in a dream or on another planet" because space travel comments are hella romantic. Ya know who is interested in planets? Townie Martian. Nick scores a rose.
The next day, Andi receives yet another note from her "secret admirer" and I'm hoping that he turns out to be Chris Harrison. Wouldn't that be UNPRECEDENTED!?
It's group date time and Josh (former baseball player who needs to Let It Go), Brian (a man made of corned beef), Dylan (the greatest guy in the world, despite the pink shorts he wore earlier in the episode. Little Dyl Dyl can do no wrong!), Marcus (snooze), JJ (pantsapreneur wackadoo), and Chris (cornbred hottie) are going to take lie detector tests administered by a guy who barely speaks English! (Kinda reminds me of this.) Andi goes first, Dylan admits that he doesn't wash his hands post-bathroom (that's cool with me, lover), and Josh is very vocal about how much he HATES taking a lie detector test despite YET he has NOTHING to hide. Dylan leaves the date (sick from E. coli?) and doesn't attend the cocktail party that night. Brian acts super cute and fun, Josh remains super sketchy, and Marcus tells Andi that he's in love with her. Chris admits that he's the secret admirer then he scores a rose (which upsets Josh greatly, despite the fact that he's a STANDUP guy who has NO skeletons in his closet, you guys!). JJ kvetches about the odd dynamic of guys congratulating other guys for making progress with Andi and Chris says, "you do you--let him do him" which is genius advice (and sounds like dialogue from an episode of Living Single).
The next day, Cody (aka Giant Albino Gorilla Baby, according to my pal Lauren) finally gets a 1:1 date with Andi, but all of Bachelor Nation knows that it's too little too late, in the immortal words of a 12 year old Masshole. Andi and Cody explore Verona (of Romeo & Juliet fame), then visit the Club Di Giuliette, a place where lovelorn idiots send letters asking for advice from a dead fictional character who needlessly killed herself for her teen boyfriend. Let me guess the "advice" that these faux Juliets dole out: chug some poison then chill in a deathlike coma for 42 hours! Cody tries to relate to the letters, then over dinner he reads Andi a letter that he wrote all by himself. She pumps the brakes, starts crying, and explains that she's just not that into him. Ouch. Macklemore on Roids bounces.
The next night is the rose ceremony and there's side boob, Chris saying that Nick made a "jackass move" (truth), bad poetry, and Josh now claiming that lie detector tests are "SO FUN!" Nick and Chris have roses, but the rest of the boys line up and the lucky rose recipients are...
-Dylan (heck yeah! Top dog despite being sick as a dog! DOGS!)
-Brian (you know he loved House of Pain during high school)
-Marcus (I find him so uninteresting that I can't be bothered to craft a witty barb)
-Josh (I pray that she drops him before hometowns)
So JJ, our intrepid pantsapreneur is heaving home. That's a real kick in the pants, huh? (I RULE!) He leaves gracefully and says that it "hurts for your heart to be wrong" which is a good call. Up next, Andi and the 6 guys head to Belgium!
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