To quote my favorite Onion columnist Jim Anchower, it's been a while since I rapped at ya. I was busy finishing up the manuscript of my book, then rewrites over the summer, but now the book is done! I'm working with the brilliant publicity and marketing teams at It Books (HarperCollins) on the release and promotional plans for THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES (publishes April 23, 2013). Stay tuned for more information about that!
I have also been enjoying some Bachelor-free time. I love the Bachelor franchise as much as the next guy (well, no, probably a LOT more than the next guy) but sometimes you gotta step back and live your own life, ya know? I can't spend every waking moment mocking Lindzi the queen of flesh toned lipstick, Jef the pompadour prince, and other idiotic 20-somethings who willingly bring shame to their families by appearing on a reality TV dating show and losing their shit. Sometimes even this gal needs a little "Selena time" (and "Selena time" does NOT include the Tejano sensation (RIP) or Bieber's ex-GF or even VEEP (though she spells it "Selina" which is WRONG)). No, the Selena I'm talking about in "Selena time" is this here Selena--Selena Evelyn Coppock, the jazziest cat outta Kickassachusetts. During my Bach-free months, I got to focus on standup, storytelling, work--my own life, ya dig? Some pals said, "Lenny (my nickname--doesn't it RULE?), what if you wrote recaps of a less tired, formulaic franchise?" I thought about it, but I just can't. My encyclopedic knowledge of Bachelor/Bachelorette history would be wasted on a "Parks and Recreation" recap. So I just had to bide my time, praying that the programming Gods over at ABC would say, "Hey--this franchise isn't too tired for a 17th season--find a single guy, stock up on some roses, hose down the Bachelor mansion with some sort of STD-killing formula, and let's do this thing!" And oh, sweet sweet Lord, the did.
Last week when I learned the The Bachelor will be back in January for a new season of desperate dating displays, I jumped for joy. I cranked up my iPod (lately Pink's new single "Blow Me One Last Kiss" has been cranking in the 'ole ear buds on repeat) and strutted the New York City streets, knowing that come January, thanks to The Bach, my life will be filled with meaning, mockery, and the pathetic feeling that I'm a D list celebrity thanks to the DOZENS of wonderful people who peruse this little 'ole blog. So let's dig right in and speculate as to what this next season of The Bachelor will have in store.
First off, who is our precious Bach? Sean Lowe. Dude is a cheesedick, but dude is hot. Check it:
As you can see, Sean is a blonde, which means I would never date him. I'm a firm believer in the formula of brown haired person + blonde haired person = happiness and potential offspring who possess healthy pigmentation (read more about this theory in my book-- I AM NOT KIDDING! It feels so bonkers but so rad to say that. Anyhoo--no more time for book talk. We have a blonde man to make fun of--let's get outta these parens and talk shit about Sean).
Where have we seen Sean before? Other than in his role of every bully in a 1980s teen movie (seriously--those bullies were ALL blonde dudes), he was one of Emily's suitors during her season of The Bachelorette. He made it to the final 3 and was always very serious about finding a lady. He has a SICK body but he always seemed like a bit of a dope. On a date in London, Sean and Emily rode on the top level of an open-top, double-decker bus and Sean stood up and shouted, "I'm king of the world!" Apparently, when Sean rides on UK buses with beautiful blondes, all he can think about is James Cameron's take on the worst boating disaster in history. I don't understand how this dude's mind works (but I suspect that the answer is "not very well"). Then he and Emily visited Speaker's Corner where Sean got up on a soap box and shouted about love. It was painful. Somehow Emily kept him around all the way to hometown dates, so she met Sean's family. They were lovely, but Sean let the Bachelorette producers set up a bedroom that was dirty and had stuffed animals everywhere, then he told Emily that said bedroom was HIS bedroom as a joke. It was the OPPOSITE of hilarious--completely cringe-worthy and stupid. If you want to know more read my recap of that one here. I think that the bedroom fiasco (or as Bach die-hards call it "BedroomGate") was a red flag. Sean is malleable like that--the producers can convince him to do LAME STUFF for the sake of "good TV" (apparently their idea of "good TV" is the exact opposite of mine). I fear for what Sean might get pushed into doing this time around. So brace yourself for some cringe-worthy moments.
Who are the ladies? You can check out all of their headshots here.
Let me paste a few of the gals here:
Do you notice what I notice? There's a whole lotta BIG crosses as accessories on these ladies. It makes sense: Sean is deeply religious and he was very open about that during Emily's season, so the casting directors sought out a lot of very religious ladies. Totally logical. I'm a Christian and my sisters and I used to get attendance awards at our church (Weston United Methodist Church--what what!) throughout childhood. My parents ran the Vacation Bible School and the church soup kitchen. Heck, I went to Christian sleepover camp in New Hampshire for many summers and had a blast. So I'm not bashing Christianity or religion here by ANY means. But I AM bashing gaudy, in-your-face accessories. Wear whatever you like--star of David, cross, star and crescent--DO YOU. But a cross in XXL worn as an accessory just becomes strange. I mean, Tierra above in the yellow tank top: is that a leather lanyard with a huge, wooden cross hanging around your neck? Are you trying to win Sean's heart or scare off a vampire? It ends up feeling a liiiiittle bit...
I'll be interested to see if religion comes up inside the Bachelor mansion this season. In Emily's season it came up a few times, but ABC seemed hesitant to include conversations about faith in the context of a dating competition, so it was often danced around or awkwardly edited out. One thing's for sure: based on Sean's good looks and every past season of The Bachelor, these 25 gals are going to be following the advice of Ozzy Osbourne whether they like it or not, and "going off the rails on a crazy train." And I can't wait.
Tune in on Monday, January 7th!
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