One article from xoJane really stood out to me recently. It's one in their section called "It Happened to Me" (a fascinating section that showcases a variety of real experiences and viewpoints) and the article is, It Happened to Me: I Went to College with HBO's New It Girl Lena Dunham, and I'm Seething with Jealousy.
The author, Ella West, attended Oberlin College with Lena Dunham and took some classes with her. I give Ella a TON of credit for sharing her candid feelings and for being unflinchingly honest. That's not easy, especially in this day and age of anonymous internet commenters and the bile they are wont to spew. At points in the article, Jane Pratt weighs in with commentary, which is a nice way to temper a piece that could be construed as whiny and a bit self-pitying. In the article, Ella talks about a very unbecoming situation: being jealous of a peer.
My artist/performer/writer friends and I talk about this type of thing a lot--navigating the waters of being a productive and prolific artist, balancing a day job (in many cases), all while trying to achieve your dreams and watching peers achieve their dreams, be it in the form of a late night TV spot, or a job writing for a TV show, or selling a book, or whatever. It's certainly hard to keep a good head on your shoulders through it all, but more often than not, my friends and I are not "seething with jealousy" for our fellow comedians, writers, or actors. I hold onto a few handy sayings (that I have learned from friends, family, and experience) and I'd like to share them with Ella and you:
-Eyes On Your Own Paper
This one comes from my wonderful comedian friend Katina (who just reminded me that she learned it from yet another awesome comedian, Matt McCarthy.) Comparing yourself to other people is an exercise in frustration--just don't do it. Maybe your peers are getting auditions for a festival you want or being cast on an improv team that you wish you were a part of--none of that matters. Focus on YOU. If you're frustrated with your career, get to work on changing it. Don't waste time seething with jealousy over a peer who got an opportunity that you want--eyes on your own paper.
This one comes from my wonderful comedian friend Katina (who just reminded me that she learned it from yet another awesome comedian, Matt McCarthy.) Comparing yourself to other people is an exercise in frustration--just don't do it. Maybe your peers are getting auditions for a festival you want or being cast on an improv team that you wish you were a part of--none of that matters. Focus on YOU. If you're frustrated with your career, get to work on changing it. Don't waste time seething with jealousy over a peer who got an opportunity that you want--eyes on your own paper.
-Stop Looking For Justice
My sister Laurel and I talk about this a lot. You are a fool if you think that fairness or justice will EVER apply to anything in this life. People who are mean and awful sometimes land TV shows or get coveted jobs or [insert what you want here] and it does NOT affect YOUR journey. If you pull your hair out every time Joe Schmoe Unfriendly Guy gets a good opportunity, you're going to be bald soon.
My sister Laurel and I talk about this a lot. You are a fool if you think that fairness or justice will EVER apply to anything in this life. People who are mean and awful sometimes land TV shows or get coveted jobs or [insert what you want here] and it does NOT affect YOUR journey. If you pull your hair out every time Joe Schmoe Unfriendly Guy gets a good opportunity, you're going to be bald soon.
-A Rising Tide Lifts All Boats
So a guy who you knew from your old sketch group is now writing for a hit TV show. Good for him. Don't spiral into, "How did David get that job when he never even seemed that funny? Why not me, why not me?" "Why Not Me" is the name of a beautiful song by the Judds, but it's an ugly way to live. Sure, you're allowed have a moment of jealousy as you digest this new information about your peer David's new job, but then remember that a rising tide lifts all boats. Perhaps, if that hit TV show ever needs another writer, your old friend David will think of you and recommend you. And just be happy for your peer--you have no idea how hard he was working or how much he was writing at home, alone, to score that job.
So a guy who you knew from your old sketch group is now writing for a hit TV show. Good for him. Don't spiral into, "How did David get that job when he never even seemed that funny? Why not me, why not me?" "Why Not Me" is the name of a beautiful song by the Judds, but it's an ugly way to live. Sure, you're allowed have a moment of jealousy as you digest this new information about your peer David's new job, but then remember that a rising tide lifts all boats. Perhaps, if that hit TV show ever needs another writer, your old friend David will think of you and recommend you. And just be happy for your peer--you have no idea how hard he was working or how much he was writing at home, alone, to score that job.
-Just Do The Work
Quit wasting time wondering who is having a meeting with Comedy Central or who got a callback for the Montreal festival or who just landed an agent or just got dropped by their agent--just do the work. Just write and practice and prepare and put in the time and develop and work at it. You can't control what opportunities other people get--you can only control how hard you work.
Quit wasting time wondering who is having a meeting with Comedy Central or who got a callback for the Montreal festival or who just landed an agent or just got dropped by their agent--just do the work. Just write and practice and prepare and put in the time and develop and work at it. You can't control what opportunities other people get--you can only control how hard you work.
-There's an Infinite Number of Pathways to Success and an Even More Infinite Number of Definitions of Success
This one is mine. I wrote it to an ex-boyfriend in an email a few years back. He was trying to make me feel bad about not having a commercial agent at the time and he thought that having a commercial agent was VERY important. It was important--to him. It wasn't important to me back then, and he couldn't wrap his brain around that. He and I had different definitions of success and that's totally fine. For some people, "success" is landing a national commercial. For other people, "success" is selling a book. For others, "success" is buying a house. For others, "success" is being made a Vice President within their company. For others, "success" is having children. They are all the right answer. You choose for you.
-Go Where You're Celebrated, Not Tolerated
My lovely friend Giulia Rozzi introduced me to this phrase (and she learned it from another rad lady, Margot Leitman, who saw it on a poster in college) and it's fantastic. Do you feel like you're banging your head against a wall trying to break into this one comedy club or getting cast on a team at this one theater or getting this one agent to look at you? Stop trying to convince those people to like you and move on. Go to another theater or group or agent who understands and appreciates you and your voice and your talent.
This one is mine. I wrote it to an ex-boyfriend in an email a few years back. He was trying to make me feel bad about not having a commercial agent at the time and he thought that having a commercial agent was VERY important. It was important--to him. It wasn't important to me back then, and he couldn't wrap his brain around that. He and I had different definitions of success and that's totally fine. For some people, "success" is landing a national commercial. For other people, "success" is selling a book. For others, "success" is buying a house. For others, "success" is being made a Vice President within their company. For others, "success" is having children. They are all the right answer. You choose for you.
-Go Where You're Celebrated, Not Tolerated
My lovely friend Giulia Rozzi introduced me to this phrase (and she learned it from another rad lady, Margot Leitman, who saw it on a poster in college) and it's fantastic. Do you feel like you're banging your head against a wall trying to break into this one comedy club or getting cast on a team at this one theater or getting this one agent to look at you? Stop trying to convince those people to like you and move on. Go to another theater or group or agent who understands and appreciates you and your voice and your talent.
-It's a Marathon, Not A Sprint
My sister Laurel and I quote this one a lot. I would never want to be an overnight, flash-in-the-pan sensation who gets thrust into the public eye before I am ready. I was terrible when I first started at standup and I'm SO glad that few people saw it (and that there weren't video camera phones back then). It takes a while to find your voice and write a book or a script or a web series. It's a long haul, so don't freak out if you didn't land that one opportunity this year. There's always more opportunities right around the corner.
-Vienna Waits For You/The Wheel Comes Back Around
I'm not sure if I have that second part exactly right, but it's something that my brother-in-law Bobby heard in a martial arts movie (my brother-in-law writes MMA movies--no joke. He rules, as does my other bro-in-law Jon and my other sister Emily, but I digress). For a lot of improv theaters, there's one big round of auditions once a year and TONS of people walk away from those auditions feeling rejected. But then there's another round next year. And in the meantime, there are plenty of indie teams you can join and shows that you can produce yourself. There's no such thing as THIS IS THE ONE THING. There are plenty of things and they'll all come in time. So maybe you didn't do so well at a big audition this year--there's always next year. And in the year between, you can work hard and improve and develop. So maybe you didn't get put on Such-and-Such Tourco, but perhaps another theater will come knocking and you'll be free to jump on THAT opportunity BECAUSE you didn't get cast with that other theater.
These are just a few things that occurred to me as I read Ella's article. I know it sounds hippy-dippy, but each one of us is on his or her own journey and nothing is a bigger waste of time, energy, and brain power than jealousy.
My sister Laurel and I quote this one a lot. I would never want to be an overnight, flash-in-the-pan sensation who gets thrust into the public eye before I am ready. I was terrible when I first started at standup and I'm SO glad that few people saw it (and that there weren't video camera phones back then). It takes a while to find your voice and write a book or a script or a web series. It's a long haul, so don't freak out if you didn't land that one opportunity this year. There's always more opportunities right around the corner.
-Vienna Waits For You/The Wheel Comes Back Around
I'm not sure if I have that second part exactly right, but it's something that my brother-in-law Bobby heard in a martial arts movie (my brother-in-law writes MMA movies--no joke. He rules, as does my other bro-in-law Jon and my other sister Emily, but I digress). For a lot of improv theaters, there's one big round of auditions once a year and TONS of people walk away from those auditions feeling rejected. But then there's another round next year. And in the meantime, there are plenty of indie teams you can join and shows that you can produce yourself. There's no such thing as THIS IS THE ONE THING. There are plenty of things and they'll all come in time. So maybe you didn't do so well at a big audition this year--there's always next year. And in the year between, you can work hard and improve and develop. So maybe you didn't get put on Such-and-Such Tourco, but perhaps another theater will come knocking and you'll be free to jump on THAT opportunity BECAUSE you didn't get cast with that other theater.
These are just a few things that occurred to me as I read Ella's article. I know it sounds hippy-dippy, but each one of us is on his or her own journey and nothing is a bigger waste of time, energy, and brain power than jealousy.
