Bachelor Arie: Women Tell All, BLAND-tasy Suite

Lovers!

I am, as usual, late with this recap and it's for my standard reasons (I work full time and perform standup most nights and I burn the candle at both ends AND ALSO that last thing is the title of a podcast about candles that I dream of launching BUT WHO HAS THE TIME???), BUT ALSO ALSO I'm late because, dammit, Arie is just SO painfully boring.  This season has been a SLOG and not even the whisper antics of Krystal or the wise words of Bekah can save it!

Sunday night's Women Tell All episode was an embarrassment.  There was SO LITTLE DRAMA there that Chris Harrison had to resort to showcasing "Great Moments in Women Tell All History"--are you kidding me? I haven't seen that much filler since I stopped stuffing my bra (and I really didn't "stop" so much as I just switched over to a SUPER padded push up bra because, listen, I have A cups and some shirts just look nicer when you have SOME sort of chest to put them over).

A quick run-down of Women Tell All:
-I always love this episode because it's the LAST CHANCE for most of these people to be on TV so they are all DONE UP like WOA.
-Krystal definitely had work done.
-Bekah's look was NOT my favorite. I think she's really pretty and has great style, but her bonkers earrings and old flapper dress were NOT doing anything for me.
-Chelsea needed more bronzer (God what is HAPPENING when a Bachelor participant isn't rocking ENOUGH bronzer?) and her dress looked like maroon velvet water wings.
-Bibiana seems to have gotten a boob job (no shame in that game) but SWEET JESU WHY is she wearing a dress that makes her look naked? WHITE WOMEN LISTEN UP: PLEASE STOP WEARING DRESSES THAT MATCH YOUR SKIN COLOR! IT'S CREEPY AND STUNNINGLY UNFLATTERING. (Can you tell that I am in a MOOOOOOD?)
-Caroline (Tia's pal--brown hair--gorgeous) rocked a white pantsuit (tribute to our actual president, Madam Hillary Rodham Clinton? I hope so b/c I LOVE  HRC) and spent most of the episode almost crying while screaming--I LOVED IT.
-there were jokes about Arie having a small dick, which seemed both unprecedented and accurate.
-Arie came out and appeared to be sleepwalking (dude is SUCH a snooze), straight-up said that he wishes he had a do-over (yikes).
-Caroline cryptically said, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID" and asked Arie if he was REALLY there to find a wife, to which Arie responded that we'll all watch how it plays out. DOUBLE YIKES! Unlike previous Women Tell All Eps, there was NO question of "are you in love" or "are you engaged" to Arie (WEIRD) and Arie did NOT seem excited. Yiiiiiiikes, man!!

actual photo of Chelsea at Women Tell All

Then Monday we had the Fantasy Suite date aka, 3 Humps in 3 Nights (and if that title doesn't get used to an upcoming movie starring Zac Efron there is NO justice in this world).  Arie and his remaining trio (Quirky Kendall, Corny Becca, Boring Lauren) head to PERU for SEX (and wine, tourist activities).  

Arie starts the episode saying that he's excited to get to know the women "on a whole new level" and that level is DICK LEVEL. 

Kendall is up first and she  looks like an extra from 21 Jump Street with her plaid shirt tied around the waist and jeans.  She and Arie meet in the desert and cruise around in a dune buggy, much like that classic 1990s song but Presidents of the United States of America! 

They attempt to have a picnic in the desert and eat food coated in sand as they discuss the fact that there are STILL issues they need to discuss and honestly, at this point, it feels like it's just too late for all that. That night Kendall rocks a red jumpsuit that I LOVE and Arie pours his pasty, Silly Putty-like body into dark suit so that they can eat seafood and talk.  Kendall makes a point that I REALLY relate to, which is that she often suspects that men date her as a novelty--she's quirky! Plays ukulele! Likes taxidermy! Isn't this fun and interesting but not sustainable? I REALLY related to that--plenty of guys are curious about standup, want to learn about comedy, but don't see me as a viable option for a partner, I don't think.  So Kendall, I get you, girl.  And I also love your liquid liner cat eye. 

Arie pulls the fantasy suite date card from beneath a table runner (DID YOU SEE THAT? It was like a magic trick OF DICK) and Kendall agrees to "forego her individual room" so they had up to the fantasy suite where Arie JUMPS on the bed like he's back at a USC sorority house (apparently he has gotten AROUND the sororities of SoCal universities) and it's lights out. 

The next morning they cuddle as the cameraman gets footage of their clothing strewn on the floor (ARE YOU PICKING UP WHAT HE IS PUTTING DOWN, BACHELOR NATION?), eat some eggs, then Arie needs to zip off to sex date #2. 

Up next is Snooze Lauren and she's rocking an off-the-shoulder, chambray peasant blouse that Bekah also owns.  Arie meets her at an airport and stands in front of a plane as Lauren enters, prompting Lauren to remark, "there's a plane behind you" and GOOD LORD LAUREN, that's almost as bad as the time when you called an Italian piazza, "so Italian." They hop in a plane and go look at the Nazca Lines as they sit in silence.  Later they sit at a table and Lauren says "like" every other word but manages to communicate that she is VERY nervous that she'll end up getting her heart broken and GIRL you have GOT to accept that possibility and get over it. I mean, IN LIFE there are no guarantees! Sure, your heart might get broken sometime.  Hell, you might get hit by a bus! You might lose your phone! Your colorist might royally fuck up your hair--ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! You gotta roll with it (baby). 

I truly think that she's playing up the whole "I put up walls because I'm scared I will get hurt" because she knows that she's profoundly uninteresting.  Sure, she's cute and dresses well, but there's no there there, so she HAS to claim that she has clammed up due to nerves--is she REALLY going to admit that she doesn't have many interests and knows very little about life and the world? 

That night over dinner, Lauren thanks Arie for being so patient and supportive and I suppose he has been, but he seems annoyed that instead of getting to know Lauren (bad news, bro--there isn't much to know), he has spent these weeks and months reassuring her. That shit gets tiresome.  Pre-fantasty suite, Arie straight up says "I love you" to Lauren which is pretty unprecedented.  Historically, the Bachelor or Bachelorette has NOT been "allowed" to drop the L-bomb to any contestant.  He or she has only been like, "I appreciate that" when a contestant has opted to drop the L-bomb him or  herself.  Also, yes, I just referred to myself as a Bachelor historian and it's v. sad. 

They head to a candlelit hump den and, presumably, test drive the 'ole car before they buy it.  The next morning Arie is wearing AN ABOMINATION of an outfit--black shorts, white T-shirt, BLACK SOCKS PULLED UP TO HIS CALVES AND BLACK SNEAKERS!? Lauren sees it and STILL kisses him, says she loves him. Get some self-respect, girl. 

Finally it's time for Becca--the 3rd lady in this sex hattrick, so we shall call her "Sloppy Thirds" even though she is my favorite of the 3.  They meet up by a boat and throughout their day of boating, laughing, and seal spotting, Becca is eager and enthusiastic while Arie seems a bit distant--or maybe that's just Arie being Arie?  That evening they clean up (Becca's rocking a crushed velvet 90s look and I dig it) to cuddle and drink in a SUPER COOL tent (great work, Bachelor powers-that-bee) where Becca says "I love you" to Arie AND HE RECIPROCATES!! OK, so now he's both sexing AND L-bomb dropping with 2 women in 2 nights.  Yikes.  

Becca and Arie's "fantasy suite" is a cute tent erected in the sand dunes and it's cute but I bet it gets HOT in there once the hump down starts, ya know? 

The next morning, Arie somehow acquires a tray of breakfast food and they enjoy a lovey-dovey post-sex brunch outside.  

Everyone heads back to the hotel and who appears but ROSS, Becca's ex-BF who is on a mission and also EXTREMELY HOT.  Ummm, yo, how about ROSS for next Bachelor?  

ummmm hi 

BUT I will say one thing.  Despite the fact that Ross is HOT and stocky (my kryptonite), it's a pretty creepy move to fly to Peru, drive 5 hours, and insist that a proposal of marriage is "yours" to give her. Dude, Becca doesn't owe you shit--nothing of HERS is at all YOURS.  She's allowed to do whatever she wants.  But call me, OK, Ross?

So yes, I'm sure you heard, Ross rolled up to their hotel and talked to Arie as if Becca was a possession of his, then talked to Becca and stupidly thought that she'd LOVE this BIG gesture and run away with him.  Props to Becca for rolling her eyes at Ross and telling him that life isn't "The Notebook." Boy, bye. 

Somehow, seeing her stocky, sex ex drove Becca back into the lanky, undefined arms of Pasty Snooze Arie and before we knew it, we were ready for a rose ceremony. 

Becca is in a whiteish flowy dress with a SUPER low cut v neck thing, hair to the side; Lauren is in a red dress that makes her look like a young senator's wife; Kendall's in a regrettable black dress with patterned top, flowy bottom.  They line up to learn their fate and Arie asks Kendall if he can chat with her. We all know what THIS one means--bye bye, Ukulele Player.  Arie and Kendall talk and she totally gets it--she's sad but she's also not ready to marry him, so girl has gotta go.  They have a sweet, tearful goodbye and Kendall leaves.  

Arie goes through with the rose ceremony, handing Lauren the first rose (because she constantly needs reassurance so would probably have a breakdown if she were given the 2nd rose out of 2) and Becca the second.  

Next week is the LIVE finale and if you have heard the rumors, shit gets MESSY.  I can't wait! 

Bachelor Arie: HOMETOWNS: Arie gets GRILLED by the COOK SHACK

LOVERS!

Monday night gave us one of every Bachelor fan's favorite episodes, hometowns.  The 2 hour spectacle in which 4 newly-minted couples (from a group that totals 5 people) take their love off the road and back home for Mom + Dad + every random aunt or uncle within the state to gather 'round and scrutinize.  This episode took Pasty Snooze Arie from Los Angeles, CA to Weiner, AR to Minneapolis, MN and finally to Virginia Beach, VA.  Then back to Los Angeles to turn one lucky into an Instagram celebrity/Bachelor In Paradise participant!  Who was the lucky gal who avoided Arie's grasp?  We'll soon find out!

The commercials made it seem as if every family would DETEST Arie and lemme tell ya, I was ready for it.

First up was Kendall, a native Angelino, who dressed up in a daisy duke romper (contrasted with Arie's dark jeans, plain navy T-shirt) and took him to a "taxidermy room" also known as a terrifying storage shed chock full of dead animals that are pumped full of glue!

Actual photo of Kendall and Arie on their date

Kendall shares the great news that they will be "mounting" their own taxidermy--is "mounting" what they call it in the 'Dermy World? In my day, "mounting" was more about hooking up and less about dead animal skins, but what do I know?

Arie and Kendall "mount" these dead animal skins and I have seen some bizarre and occasionally gross stuff on The Bachelor before,  but NOTHING like this.  Arie and Kendall mount some rats and I'm sure they picked an animal that most Americans find disgusting to avoid controversy (am I overthinking?) then they put their dead rats into FORMALWEAR and placed them in a diorama of PARIS by moonlight.  HOW IS ANY OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!?

Kendall tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, her brother Colton (of COURSE kid's name is Colton) and her twin sister Kiley who "reads really heavily on energy." Away we go!

They all sip wine over a kitchen island that has been decorated to resemble a table and before you can say, "is a kitchen island really that much better on camera than a real table," Kendall and her mother have zipped off to their family walk-in jewelry closet (HUH?) to "DISH" (in the words of Kendall's lovely mama).  Meanwhile, Kiley rocks a pink, silk robe and 1997-style Steve Madden slides (DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THOSE?), plus giant hoops and seems unimpressed by Arie.  Kendall and Kiley have a sister chat among the beads and all that matters is that BOTH gals rock a mean liquid liner cat eye. Energy reader Kiley says that this relationship isn't "undeniable" at the same time that Kendall's dad tells Arie that Kendall isn't likely to accept a proposal. Wheee! I LOVE THIS FAMILY. They say goodbye to the family and once Kendall and Arie are alone, she admits that she kisses him in order to avoid "emotion" (or is it in order to avoid SEEING his FACE?) but Arie does that, too, so they're either a perfect match or a couple who will kiss their way through divorce court someday.

Up next is Tia's hometown of Weiner, Arkansas and you know I'm pro-Razorback because I have lots of relatives in Arkansas, plus I have visited many times.  The Arkansas accent is my favorite version of the southern accent and sweet Tia has got it.

Arie and Tia meet up at a dirt road race track because Bachelor Producers are desperate to remind Bachelor Nation that Arie was allegedly, at one point, somewhat cool.  They cruise around and both say "you did so good" which made Bachelor Nation's small neighborhood, Grammar Gulch, retch into a bag.  Over drinks in the bed of a truck (my kind of date), Tia tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, brother, aunt, and cousin.

Soon they are at Tia's parents' one floor house (so many one floor houses this year!) and Arie has flowers and a gift of the family. Sweet Tia breaks out in tears upon seeing her mother, which tugged at my heartstrings.  Once they are settled over a plate of pigs in a blanket (no joke), Tia tells a heartwarming tale of this one time when someone ELSE got the rose THEN Tia got the rose. Ahhh, love among the harem. Tia's Dad Kenny proposes a toast to Tia and "Air-ey" before he and brother Jason take Arie out back to sit in front of the "COOK SHACK" (is that just a sorta BBQ building? Like a pool house but only for meats?) to "grill him" (PUN INTENDEEEEEY!) about his reputation as a slut--err--the "Kissing Bandit."  Arie charms them each by saying that he USED to be a slut--err--Kissing Bandit--when he was you and, I dunno, maybe handsome???? (But like, probably not handsome EVER, let's be honest) BUT that NOW he's ready to settle down and Tia is strong, honest, and cool.  Both men LOVE HIM after that!  Welp, that was easy!

Meanwhile, Tia and her mother talk about how you need to learn some lessons in life and "if those hadn't gone so wrong, then this wouldn't be going so right" and I hope they form a country music duo with writing like that.  Once AREY and Tia are alone outside, she tells Arie that she's in love with him, drops an F bomb, and sends him on his way. Oh Tia, you are MUCH too cool for this jag.

Next stop is Minneapolis, Minnesota where Arie meets up with Becca "LET'S DO THE DAMN THING! I LIKE EXCLAIMING THINGS! DOESN'T IT MAKE ME SEE LIKE A FREE SPIRIT?" K. in a frozen apple orchard!! They talk about Becca's late father, pick apples and whip them into a target via slingshot, carve "B+A" into a tree stump, then head out to Prior Lake to meet Becca's family.

Becca's family is made up of mostly elderly men, one of whom is Uncle Garry who DON'T TAKE NO MESS, Arie.  Uncle Garry talks about Becca's late father and says that he and his crew are Becca's guard dogs and asks if Becca is the "real deal" to him. Arie responds that yes, she is, which is essentially what he tells EVERY FAMILY during his 4 stop hometown tour.

We watch the standard hometown situation--family is skeptical at first but Arie manages to SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, despite his lack of charisma and looks, charm them, then drive off into the night. Before he leaves, Becca exclaims, "SEE YA SOON, YA STUD MUFFIN" and good Lord it's like watching an awkward 5th grader try to learn how to flirt.  Please stop.

Arie's final stop on the tour is Virginia Beach, VA where Lauren greets Arie on the boardwalk with the required, fun, jump, straddle maneuver.  Lauren looks cute, which is smart since that's most of what she has to offer, and Arie's choice of a light blue button-down was VERY UNWISE cause (a) it's an unflattering color on him (but, well, what color IS NOT unflattering on him?), but larger issue (b) it shows pit stains!! And you are about to PIT HARD, Pasty Snooze!

At Lauren's family's beautiful brick home (is that design what they call Georgian? What do I know?), Lauren's mom is as poker face as Lauren and Lauren's dad seems to hate any male who doesn't play golf or have a military background. Wheeeee!! Sadly, Arie is AGAIN able to charm them (well, the dad at least) by mentioning that he went to Iraq to hang out with soldiers one time.  Lauren and Arie both insist that their connection is from the fact that they are SO similar and it's true--they are both EXCEEDINGLY dull! A match made in SNOOZE HEAVEN!  They kiss goodbye and soon it's time to hear back to Los Angeles for a good, old fashioned TV dumping!

The ladies are done up--Becca in a light red, one shoulder dress and delicate gold jewelry (love it), Kendall in a royal blue dress that's got a major V cut out by the boobs (love it), Tia in a white dress that feels like a tribute to the Winter Olympics (don't love it, but she looks great), Lauren in a black dress with sheer panels (love it).  Arie arrives in a dark suit, grey tie, and confused look on his face.  This fucking guy.

The ladies line up and before Arie commences with rose distribution, he pulls Kendall aside and at that point, I am SURE that he's going to send her home. That is THE MOVE, man. Be like, "can I talk to you?" then DROP KICK THEM but in a nice way where you don't make them watch a rose ceremony.  BUT NO.  Kendall talks to him about how she is feeling, that she wants to keep seeing him, but she has some walls up.  Then they got BACK to the line-up! Wah!??!!? Duuuuude.

OK, so roses get handed out like so:
-Becca - LET'S DO THE DAMN THING, AM I RIGHT??!??!?!? HAHAHHH I'M FUN!! RIGHT RIGHT?  AM I NOT A GIRL WHO SEEMS SORTA UNPREDICTABLE BUT NOT IN, LIKE, A TERRIFYING WAY?????
-Lauren - some still waters run deep, but some still waters are just profoundly boring, ya know?
-Kendall - Arie wants a lifetime of liquid liner and bead closets and, really, who can blame him?

So sweet, beautiful, cool as shit Tia is heading back to Arkansas to start posting Instagram stories about free junk she gets from fledgling personal care product companies.  She looks STUNNED and cries hard and I don't blame her.  They sit down on a bench and she asks what she did wrong, says she put herself out there, then she says THE BEST line I have heard in a while, "tell me SOMETHING."  Yeah girl.  I relate to that.  Shockingly, Arie says something that's also quite meaningful: "it's not about your worth--it's about the emotion between two people."  AMEN, PASTY SNOOZE.

Tia cries in the back o f the limo and in the preview for next week, we see that a disgruntled ex is about to drop in BUT FIRST, we have back to back BACH next week!  Sunday night will be Women Tell All and then Monday night is SEX EP aka Fantasy Suite. I'm fired up! Whose ex-BF do you think is dropping in? Lauren's? The dude has a southern accent, it seems--who could it be!? Also I can't WAIT for Women Tell All! KRYSTAL will be IN THE HOUSE!!

Bachelor Arie Ep 6: Paris By Floating Hotel

PALS!

As usual, I’m late.  The usual—I was busy crushing the comedy scene from Boston to LA and everywhere in between, cruising on a MegaBus (with a reserved seat that cost me an extra dollar because I’m a frigging VIP) so I didn’t watch The Bachelor on Monday night, but rather on Tuesday night and I only got through an hour and 35 minutes that night, then the rest today (Saturday).  But let’s get into it while we can, shall we? 

Arie is with 10 remaining ladies in the city of love, Paris, France! The 10 gals are crashing in a floating, commie Russia-style tanker that Tia says is “very Parisien” and I guess she has never been to Berlin because I could see a German thrash metal band holding it DOWN in that boat, but not Paris natives.  Arie tells Chris Harrison that, “this week is really important” for probably the 6th week in a row. Everybody hates Krystal (except for Krystal) and they are all fired up for a big week: two 1:1 dates, a group date, and the dreaded and infamous 2:1. Awwww snap mama loves a 2:1!  

The first date is for Lauren “is there a personality in there somewhere?” B. and she looks cute—greyish/blue-ish patterned romper (shorts romper to show off her STEMS and OMG I hate the word “stems” for legs, don’t you?) and tan heels, hair down. Arie is in a blue button down and black pants because he is deathly allergic to dressing like he wants to get puss. When he does that, he breaks out in a rash so he is FORCED to wear Tom’s shoes (barf) and shirt/pants combos that don’t go together—doctor’s orders! 

For their date, they hop in a gorgeous wooden boat (George Clooney style!) and cruise off along the Seine as the 9 other women watch and smile as they choke back tears. God I love this show. Arie remarks that, “she is so beautiful and even though I don’t know much about her, spending time with her makes me happy.” Well, Arie boy, you may soon learn that there isn’t much TO KNOW. 

They hop off the boat once they are out of eyeshot of the women (probably) and walk a lovely Parisian market as Arie refers to every damn thing as “so pretty” and Lauren B. says “WOW” enough that I think she might be in a Joey Lawrence impression contest but she’s crashing and burning because she got his catchphrase wrong. 

They sit on a bench and Arie grovels, saying, LITERALLY, “I would like more than anything for you to like me… I’m also searching for reassurance.” Dude you are SO THIRSTY! Goodness gracious are you not The Bachelor! Are you having a crisis of conscience, failed race car driver? I mean, you should because these women are out of your league but DON’T LET ON THAT YOU KNOW THAT!  Lauren smiles at these comments and does NOT tell him she likes him OR give him reassurance. WOW!! Neg game is STRONG for Lauren B. and it’s probably the only time I have cheered for her.  Lauren is smiley but cold—those are moves straight outta The Rules. 

That night they get dressed up and Lauren looks sexy AF in a slinky velvet, maroon-ish dress and heels while Arie sports a schlubby suit without a tie and GOOD LORD Arie, I have seen more consistently put together managers at the Red Lobster in Times Square (it’s a bad RL, but it gets the job done).  Over dinner drinks Lauren B. reveals that she's very guarded because she got engaged and post-engagement her fiancee turned into a total dick (yikes) and Arie tops her by sharing that he once dated a woman who got pregnant with his child and they were ready to settle down (seemingly?), then she had a miscarriage AND dumped him in dramatic fashion. Ouch. Arie gives Lauren B. a rose and she expresses her excitement by saying, totally deadpan, "wow this is huge." 

Up next is a group date at Moulin Rouge and the ladies get done up in sparkly, sequined showgirls outfits while Arie looks like a complete schlub in a black T-shirt and jeans. We learn that Sienne is a trained dancer, Tia is incapable of being sexy onstage, and Jenna is like a golden retriever in human form ("Arie is the most gorgeous ma alive!"). 

After a few minutes of "auditioning" (in the form of walking?) in showgirl costumes, the ladies change into yet another outfit for the "after party" (after WHAT, exactly?) and I'm LOVING some of these looks.  Bekah wears a black bustier with a cool choker (very on-brand for the venue), Sienne is in a super lacy, linger-looking dress, Tia rocks a bold lip and a filmy, polka dot dress thing and I remember some crushed, metallic velvet in there, too. Meanwhile Arie is in dark pants and a MAROON T-SHIRT. Sweet baby Jesu, Arie, could you DRESS for the occasion!??!!? 

In their alone time, Arie makes an obviously stolen joke, "is a French kiss in France just a kiss?" before making out with Bekah who is charming the pants off of him and playing him like a fiddle in the Dave Matthews Band (God remember that? We would legit be ROCKING OUT to music that included a fiddle). They talk about the "potential" between them which is completely bonkers because she's 22 and he's 36. What, the potential for her to have a 25th birthday party while he's pushing 40? 

Arie gives the group date rose to Bekah, which means that she gets to put on a costume and walk with him onstage during the ACTUAL show at the Moulin Rouge. Good thing that "role" requires ZERO talent, dancing skill, charisma because Arie aint got any of those! Arie looks like a spooky circus trainer in a top hat, suit, and cape while Bekah looks like a bizarro Betty Boop in a blue get-up and blood wig. The other women are forced to watch like some kind of mafia hit in which a guy is punished by having to watch his family get murdered in front of him. 

Up next is the infamous 2:1 date and the unlucky participants are Kendall and Krystal. With a 2:1, one gal is definitely being sent home but often BOTH are rejected because some Bachelors are hella efficient. 

Krystal is knee deep in her pool of delusion and is GLOATING about being taken on the 2:1 date, bargain that she's "wife material" (then, did I hear that right, "farm wife" material??) and that somehow, this is DESTINY (destiny isn't always a GOOD thing, my friend).  Krystal rocks high waist, white formal pants that appear to have darts and I do NOT get it, a crushed velvet tank top (sorta cute but also weird choice) while Kendall wears a patterned dress thing that isn't cute enough for her. 

They meet Arie at a French estate where he is, as always, ugly and underdressed, rocking a gingham shirt, light jeans, and casual sneakers. Goddamnit Arie, you are in a French mansion that was probably built before America was goddamn founded--would it KILL you to wear a pair of khakis? 

The ladies wander around a hedge maze trying to find Arie (IT'S A SUBTLE METAPHOR, GET IT?) then have drinks and bask in the gorgeous, French sunlight.  He has 1:1 time with each gal and Krystal uses hers to baby talk about how much Kendall isn't ready for love (cool move, psycho) and insist that it's "God's plan" that they got into a fight in a bowling alley. Oh yeah lady, the Lord works in mysterious ways and sometimes you can see his all-powerful machinations from inside an abandoned bowling alley--no doubt. She NEVER apologizes for badmouthing him (of course she doesn't--she's like a female Trump). 

During her 1:1 time with Arie, Kendall says something surprisingly astute for an adult who plays the ukulele: being ready for marriage isn't about the TIME, it's about the person.  She says this in defense of herself after Arie reports that Krystal said that Kendall isn't "ready for marriage" because her longest relationship was 10 months and she's damn right!  My longest relationship is 6 months because I'm wholly incapable of picking appropriate partners, but I'd be down to marry if the right dude came around. 

Kendall's very savvy and she pinpoints Krystal's issues: this is mostly just about winning for Krystal, when Krystal gets backed into a corner she doesn't apologize or calm down, she lashes out at others, and closing with this gem, "saying the thing that is hurtful doesn't mean you win, it just means you hurt someone." While they are sitting together, Kendall lays it on THICK with Krystal (saying, "there is so much beauty in there--you need to stop trying to control things and just let yourself be real") and I truly believe that she was being genuine with her, but Krystal is offended by it.  

Arie sits between the ladies and clutches a rose but claims that he can't make a decision, which is hilarious and no doubt the Producers forced him to pretend to be unsure about Krystal so that he could dump her in a more dramatic location--in a restaurant looking onto the Eiffel Tower at night. If you're going to dump, dump somewhere with a view, bro! 

Krystal looks gorgeous in a snug, white dress and Kendall could look better than her patterned, dark dress that isn't sexy at all. Arie is in a suit and no tie because he's allergic to looking good. They sip wine in a restaurant with  a KILLER view of the Eiffel Tower and Arie talks to Kendall 1:1, returns to the table, and is ready to hand the rose to one girl. Ha! The Producers definitely told him to wait until they got to this location to dump Krystal. As Arie offers the rose to Kendall, Krystal is smiling wide and nodding, which is extremely creepy. He is very gracious to her, though, saying that this was a hard decision (ha) and then simply WALKING OUT with Kendall on his arm. Oh man, the 2:1 exit is always BRUTAL! Add this to the archive of infamous 2:1 exits that includes 2 gals being left in the Badlands in Texas, that girl Olivia being ditched on a windswept tropical island as the helicopter flew away from her, and now Krystal staring at the Eiffel Tower in the city of love as she processes her heartbreak. 

Meanwhile, back in the industrial floating brothel, the ladies watch a Producer retrieve Krystal's bag and POP THAT BUBBLY!  

Finally, Jacqueline gets her long overdue 1:1 date and she spends most of their daytime shopping/drinking date extremely nervous and also, seemingly, drunk. Arie picks her up in a PIMP, red convertible (Triumph) which promptly breaks down (ha). They take a cab to a high-end clothing store where they sip bubbly and shop and Jacqueline ends up in a super bland, plain, black dress! Paris Fashion Week aint got nothing on how plain this dress is! 

They walk to Maxims where they sit down for a dinner of whiskey (nice) and Jacqueline confesses that she has 6 years left in working toward a PhD and that is her chose path, but she really likes Arie. Arie admits that he thought that perhaps she was too intelligent for him (dude can't dress but I appreciate his honesty there) and says that he doesn't want to hold her back or ask her to sacrifice her dreams for him. Just when you think they are going to make the smart move and decide to call it off, Arie hands her a rose and says that he wants to "see where it goes."  Then they head up a flight of stairs to make out HARD surrounded by green walls. 

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and heading into this, Jacqueline, Kendall, Bekah, and Lauren B. already have roses so they are safe. If I were one of them I'd roll up to the rose ceremony in sweatpants and be like, "I'm off the clock, assholes!" 

Who gets picked and who gets sent home to become an Instagram celebrity?  Roses go to....

-Tia: rocking a sparkly, disco delight jumper thing 

-Sienne: sporting a super low cut black dress and delicate jewelry 

-Becca: looking beautiful in a dark blue, flowy gown with major slit action. 

So heading home are: 

-Jenna: who looks gorgeous in a sexy, slinky black dress with sparkly neckline but it never felt like she and Arie had much connection. I mean, they're both pretty dumb but perhaps she's a tiny bit thicker than he is. 

-Chelsea: WOA MAMA is going home!!! Chelsea looks cute in a flirty, black cocktail dress thing and tan heels, but that can't save her. I think that SHE thought that she and Arie had a connection but they definitely didn't. I'm a little surprised that he didn't pull her aside in the advance of the rose ceremony, though.  I bet that she thought that if he was going to send her home, he'd do her the solid of telling her 1:1 alone but HAHAH SORRY, GIRL, NO WAY! 

Next week we (hahah THEY--right?) head to Tuscany and Lauren B. experiences insecurity as though every other woman there isn't ALSO going through the same thing.  

Bachelor Arie Ep 5: Bowlin', Jet Skiin' 'n Straddlin'

OK, by now you MUST know the horrifying reality that the episode that I preemptively nicknamed "Robe-Gate" and thought would showcase the departure of Krystal was NOT quite as drama-filled as Bachelor Nation has hoped!  Somehow Krystal is still with us!  And she's going to Paris with the gang, even though Arie seems to LOATHE her at this point.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

This episode took place in the proverbial genital wart clinging to the metaphorical penis of America--Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The sun is bright but snooze Bach Arie aint getting any color because he appears to be coated in SPF 100 and then dipped in bronzer as he cruises the streets in a corny convertible.  

Meanwhile, the remaining gals (Kendall the TryTooHard Quirky one, Baby Rizzo, and the Pink Ladies) are exploring Floridon't (I AM ON FIRE!!! I THINK IT IS BECAUSE I JUST STUFFED MY FAT FACE IN A QUICHE) and settling into their suite in the W Hotel.  

Arie arrives in a bland, navy blue T-shirt, drab blue shorts, and TAN TOMS. OK I appreciate that Toms Shoes are like, "for every pair of shoes you buy, we'll give a pair of unflattering monster shoes to someone who will accept ANY type of shoe they can get" and I suppose that is nice but we all need to get real about the fact that these Toms slip-ons are UGLY. It is a scientific fact. And the tan/beige ones at THE UGLIEST. You all know how I feel about white people wearing white people flesh tone (MY EYES BLEED) so take THAT hatred and combine it with a hatred for flats (well, MY hatred for flats on ME) and you have, well, a recipe for disaster. 

I need to calm myself down here, so suffice to say: Arie looks like dog shit.  He surprises Chelsea (as surprised as you can pretend to be when you are obviously dressed and done up FOR the date) and whisks her away for a 1:1 that takes place on a yacht.  The yacht is HUGE and even though Chelsea claims that she is "essssstatic about it" (no C in sight in that word), she immediately negs Arie by saying that if she had a choice to be on a boat (huh? Had a choice? Are you living in Overboard? Or wait, that was kidnapped FROM a boat into a CABIN but you get it), SHE would prefer a smaller boat.  Cool move, lady! A few of the other gals observe the pair from a giant telescope (how does a telescope KEEP showing up this season?) and Lauren B. reports that they are "Titanic-ing" which is the greatest gerund of all time. Oh also, Maquel is back from her grandmother's funeral and she must have done the drive through funeral because that was QUICK.  

NO THANK YOU

Arie and Chelsea sip champagne and then move from a yacht to a jet ski (talk about riches to rags) where Chelsea straddles the ugliest Bachelor in franchise history. 

She says that she wants Arie to think of her as more than a mom so she straddles him, but lemme tell ya, Chelsea, moms can straddle, too.  How do you think they became moms? (Shout out to all my mom friends out there--I hope that my Chelsea coverage hasn't seemed anti-mom--I am super pro-mom, just anti-holier-than-thou martyr Chelsea).  Chelsea says, "this is a dream boat... and I'm also with a dreamboat" and I could barely hold in my quiche (I HAVE BEEN EATING QUICHE FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT. #QUICHELIFE).  

That night over a red wine dinner in a car museum, Chelsea reveals that when she was 20, she married a much older man for his money, essentially, and he left her when their son was 6 months.  Ouch.  I hope that she gets good child support and alimony money out of her ex husband and I think she does because her hair is FANTASTIC--cut, color, style.  Also, while I find Chelsea to be somewhat boring, I like her taste in clothing and she's beautiful.  Her black low-cut jumpsuit look that night was fierce and Arie looked meh as always. The thing is, try as Chelsea might, she and Arie simply don't seem to have a ton of natural chemistry.  Everything she says feels like a lame intro line on the Real Housewives. I mean, Chelsea literally said, "I feel like I have the least I've ever had--but I feel like I have everything." Come on, girl. Is that a motivational quote you found on Pinterest?

Arie gives Chelsea a rose and they walk into another room where a D list faux country singer is crooning. Standard Bachelor date finale.

The next day is Baby Rizzo's dream date, BOWLING!! The crew on this group date is Maquel (who came back from the funeral with a face full of contouring make-up and highlighter), Krystal (this season's Vienna), Becca (brunette chick who seem scool), Bekah (Baby Rizzo who is able to tangle with bitches without losing her cool and I respect it), Jenna (blonde girl who seems FUN and DUUUUMB), Sienne (dark haired girl who seems FUN and SMART), Marikh (still no personality in sight!), Jacqueline (who?), and poker faced girl next door, Lauren B.

The crew rolls into a bowling alley (AYYYYOOOOOOO) and start putting back beers, bowling, and talking shit in a way that gives me dumb chills/secondhand embarrassment. After a few rounds of bowling for enjoyment, it's time for bowling for COMPETITION and the prize is that the winning team will get an afterparty and the losing team will, presumably, go back to their penthouse hotel suite and drink for free anyway.  The teams are the Pin Ups vs. the Spare Roses and goodness gracious I feel like I'm back watching Rock of Love with those names!!

Baby Rizzo is serving actual Rizzo realness in her 1950s style bowling shirt but the blue team hustles harder and wins the tournament. They are elated and can't stop shrieking as the pink team retires to the locker room. Arie realizes that he wants more time with ALL of the girls, so he informs everyone that EVERYONE is, in fact, invited to the afterparty. This pronouncement makes the pink team shriek with joy and makes Krystal LOSE HER SHIT.  Literally, moments before she had been clutching a trophy and making an unnecessary toast about how this journey isn't about breaking each other down, but about building each other up and then the minute she decides that she might be sharing the afterparty with some other women, she is RIPSHIT.

Krystal is emotionally immature, so she lashes out at this news, whines that the other women are on a lower level than her level (what does that even mean), claims that Arie is a liar and she doesn't trust him. The other women get ready for an afterparty, as you do when you're on a reality TV dating show and there is an opportunity to see the man who you supposedly like, while Krystal puts on a robe, packs her stuff, and--I guess--waits for Arie to catch wind that she's trying to play hard to get, and comes down to see her in her hotel room?

Krystal's moronic plan works (ugh ARIE WHY?) and after the other women arrive at the afterparty and inform him of Krystal's tantrum, he goes to her hotel room to "check on her." DUDE--if you have any self-respect and weren't taking orders from Producers for maximum drama and frustration, you would say "well, that's too bad that Krystal can't join us--perhaps I will see her at the rose ceremony tomorrow" and hang out with the women who got DRESSED UP and SHOWED up for you.

Arie and Krystal talk and Arie is NOT FEELING HER and you can tell. Krystal explains that she is angry because Arie changed the rules and didn't consult with the blue team (girl this isn't the friggin' Supreme Court--take it easy), that she grew up in a bowling alley (really? I mean, maybe, but also, come on--you grew up in a bowling alley, Annaliese was terrorized by bumper cars--what the heck is going on here?), and that her mother had a slew of boyfriends who would promise the world and then bounce and it gave her trust issues (OK, I WILL take that one into consideration but also, please stop being so dramatic about a dumb group date challenge, OK?).  Arie patiently listens to her and then explains that if she is feeling upset, she should TALK to him about it, that he can see that she is attempting to "team him a lesson" and he doesn't like it, and when she whisper purrs, "this is our first fight" he snaps back, "and it might be our last."  BOOM! Now THAT is a non-pussy Arie that I want to see more of!

Arie shakes it off and has snuggly, romantic 1:1 convos with Bekah, Kendall, Lauren B., and Becca. During all that, Krystal SHOWS UP TO THE AFTERPARTY (girl STOP STOP STOP you seem thirsty AF) and has a quick debate with Bekah then leaves again. Bekah makes some great points about the manipulation that Krystal is trying to pull and I appreciate it, even if she is a 22 year old bizarro Rizzo look alike who tweeted "All Lives Matter" and I'm not even kidding. Shout out to my college pal Emily Tranter who dug up this bizarro tweet.

At the end of the afterparty, Arie clutches the rose and says that it's great to have Maquel back, he's impressed that Kendall stood up for him (even if she wants to eat human meat), but Lauren B. gets the rose.

Finally, it's time for Tia's first 1:1 date and you can take the girl outta Arkansas but you can't take Arkansas outta the girl because their date activity is a BOAT RIDE and eating some grilled meats. Hey, I love it. Arie is in his awful uniform of navy shirt, light blue shorts, shoes that I want to beat him with while Tia rocks a red, vintage-style top (bathing suit), jean shorts, and Keds (WTF, people?). They cruise around the Everglades then meet a kindly local character who welcomes them into his home to eat catfish and deep fried corn-on-the-cob.

Arie and Tia chat on a bench and discuss "frogging" and the fact that they both have beautiful eyes.

That night over dinner, Tia talks about getting her PhD, moving to Little Rock, Arkansas from her hometown, and the fact that you can't control what happens in life (amen).  Arie counters that by saying that he thinks he makes his own destiny, which is impossible because the point of destiny is that the protagonist doesn't really have agency in it and wouldja look at that--I'm using my English degree from Hamilton College right here in a Bachelor recap! Life is magical!

Tia talks about how her faith is important to her and I admire her candor because Arie is NOT into religion, it seems, and then almost starts crying as she says, "you make me feel deserving of this opportunity" and HOO BOY Tia, you are speaking my language.  Building and nurturing feelings of entitlement and feeling deserving of things (love, jobs, opportunities, intimacy) are really difficult and I was heartened to see her put these sentiments out there.  They make out HARD and Tia gets a rose.

Finally it's cocktail party time and Chelsea, Lauren B. and Tia already have roses. Bekah's outfit is ON POINT--white bustier thing, black leather skirt, platform heels. Kendall plays a game with Arie and reveals that she would like to eat human meat "as a curiosity!" Krystal says that she knows she will be attacked if she talks to everyone in the group (you made this bed, woman!) so she invites women to talk to her 1:1 (what IS this? Free advice?) and Kendall takes her up on it, as do Tia and Bekah. Krystal tries to defend her tantrum and refuses to accept any blame, citing her PAIN BODIES being triggered (hoo boy is this an overrated Eckhart Tolle book?) and sits in silence when Bekah repeatedly exclaims, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" In an interview, Krystal repeats her mantra that these girls don't operate her level and then she mimes throwing glitter at them, which is truly a monstrous thing to do because glitter goes EVERYWHERE and truly does NOT come out.

While all this is going down, Arie and Jacqueline are canoodling and apparently she's a psychologist from NYC who is a race fan, plus she "embraces life" and has "no ego." Sure, Arie.  In their alone time, Krystal tells Arie that "struggles make us stronger" which sounds like a 12 step mantra (no shade) and Arie says that THIS PART--the free jet setting, the excitement--THIS should be the easy party and that she needs to think through her responses. Hell yeah, Arie!

Finally it's rose ceremony time. We know Chelsea (love that yellow dress), Lauren B., and Tia are safe. Who is safe and who will be heading home to sell teeth whiteners on Instagram?

-Bekah: love that outfit but she COULD have also had a necklace on there maybe? Or would that disrupt the clear clavicle action?
-Sienne: hair down, thin gold choker, floral patterned off-the-shoulder thing--good stuff.
-Kendall: hair down, flowered dress, always craving human meat.
-Becca: orange dress, hair in a low bun, never making drama, always having fun.
-Jacqueline: big hair, light dusty blue dress that I don't love.
-Jenna: blue dress, big statement necklace and hair to one side. She seems like fun but perhaps not boring enough for Arie.
-Krystal: UGH UGH UGH. She's wearing a light pink/blush dress with a strange neckline and producers no doubt FORCED Arie to keep her around so that she will sow discord among the women. Oof.

So who is going home to fire up their Instagrams and peddle sunglasses to Bachelor Nation?
-Maquel: who looks gorgeous and whose hair/make-up were always on point, but WOW how embarrassing to RACE through grandma's funeral so that you can get back to your reality TV dating show, only go get NEGGED!? Ha. This show is truly amazing.
-Ashley: it seemed like perhaps she and Arie never fully clicked and I just wish she had caked on the make-up a little more beneath those TV lights.
-Marikh: gives him a quick kiss goodbye and says "nice meeting you" which feels hilarious after, what, 5 weeks? They didn't seem to click, either.

Next week we leave the USA for Paris, France where Krystal will go off the rails, as usual. Will the gang eat frogs legs? Will Kendall eat human meat? Will Krystal whisper talk and blow out her vocal chords? We'll find out Monday!

Bachelor Arie: Krystal Starts to Crack, Baby Rizzo Reveals Herself

Hey hey hey, pussycats!

I'm coming to you now from my couch where I'm chomping on a popsicle and trying to resist the magnetic pull of the bottle of red wine that's staring at me from atop my refrigerator. Dry January is going great!  Thankfully, The Bachelor is scratching my itch for watching the ramifications of bad decisions unfold (though I'm jealous of all their bubbly and wine drinking).

We start off inside the STD Shack (Bachelor Mansion) where 15 ladies are informed that they are LEAVING LOS ANGLES to head to south Lake Tahoe, Nevada! I'll admit that I said, out loud, to my sweet roommate, "I bet they don't even know what state Lake Tahoe is in" before I admitted that I didn't, either. Turns out, NEVADA!! (Though apparently part of it is in California, also.) I TRULY mean it when I say the The Bachelor franchise has taught me so much about geography (... and myself).

Nothing says "sexy time romance" quite like acres of pine trees, am I right? The ladies explore their woodsy cabin lodge and quirky Kendall is thrilled that it's filled with taxidermy.

Yale alumna, Sienne, is dressed in a white top, snug blue jeans, her hair down, and she's READY for 1:1 date action.  Like a concerned camp counselor, Arie asks her if she "packed enough warm clothes" and they're off! The hop in an open top Jeep that looks like a classic Ford Bronco (or something) and hit the road. I'll admit that as they cruised off in that sweet truck, it made me almost like Arie for a split second there.  WOW. I'm amazed that producers could EVER get me to not loathe him.

They drive to the lake where they board a boat and go parasailing, which we soon learn is a LOT like falling in love, in that it involves trust, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and maybe shitting yourself out from fear.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Lodge, evil producers have given the gals binoculars so that they can watch it all go down on the lake like a 14 girl crew of stalkers. Note that during all of this, whisper-baby-talk-Krystal openly hopes that Sienne gets sent home. I cannot WAIT for the "Women Tell All" episode!!

Arie and Sienne take off their crotch harnesses (not a joke--when parasailling, your genitals MUST be wrapped in seatbelts for safety) and sit on a beach sipping champagne and talking about how often Arie sees his parents (every other day) and how embarrassing it must have been for Arie to watch his younger brother get married first (HA! OUCH!). Arie says he's impressed with Sienne because she's smart, well-traveled, and a damn good kisser. God I hate it when he earns his dweeb assed nickname (Kissing Bandit).

That evening, Maquel gets a call that her grandfather died very unexpectedly and suddenly, so she packs up and leaves. Some girls think she'll return, but really? Really? If she does, she'll DEFINITELY say she returned because her deceased grandfather would have WANTED her to go on network TV in order to find love with a 36-year-old race car driver turned realtor nicknamed "The Kissing Bandit" but some and "Pasty Snooze" but others. Her grandpa LOVED that kind of thing!! Mark my words!!

As Maquel flies back to Utah (not too far at all), Sienne and Arie go into the Hard Rock Cafe Casino (how amazing must it be to see outside humans, ya know? They are living like friggin' kidnapping victims!) and sit down for a dinner of white wine for her, red wine for him. That is MY kind of dinner!  Oh Sauvey Blanc, when will I get you back in my liiiiiife!??!?!? Sienna looks gorgeous--light pink sorta wrap-ish dress, delicate jewelry, black leather jacket. Arie's too casual in a plaid shirt, but also, he's not working with much, at all, ever, so whatcha gonna do?

Sienne shares that her parents' marriage was somewhat chaotic, especially in her teen years, and that she doesn't often see representations of people who look like her in romantic, happily-ever-after stories. Wow. I'm glad she said that, producers kept it in, and Arie echoed it.  Representation is so important and anyone who says different probably grew up with the luxury of seeing representations of themselves in positions of power, positions of privilege, their whole damn lives. Sienna's feelings of outsider-ness really resonated with me and many Bach heads, I'm sure.

Arie hands her the rose, explaining that he already felt a familiarity with her when they met, that she's a strong woman who impresses him, and that the date isn't over!  He has one trick up his sleeve and by that he means that Bachelor producers have a connection to a D list, Top 40, bro country band and that band needs press!  Arie and Sienne walk into a theater where LANCO is performing (who? I know) a song that I'm ashamed I have heard on New York's country station, 94.7 and there is a BIG crowd there, but conveniently a platform on which Arie and Sienne can dance, kiss, and perform their love for a crowd of creepy onlookers. I get dumb chills from watching this, but my new, young roommate calls it "secondhand embarrassment" so I can only assume that ALL millennials use that phrase when they're snap chatting their avocado toast while tanking the economy or whatever. Perhaps we should confirm my assumptions with Bekah (GET IT!?!? MILLENNIAL JOKE ABOUT BABY RIZZO! More of those coming soon!).

The next day it's a group date for the 13 girls who aren't Sienne or Bekah (on that's right---Bekah will get a 1:1 and you haven't seen her this happy since she learned how to ride a bike last week).  The group date gals are all done up in their best sexy winter looks. Looks that scream, "yeah these are hiking boots but these leggings are like sausage casings and isn't this scarf jaunty? It does NOTHING to keep me warm but looks delightfully seasonal." When Arie meets up with the Winter Beauties, he addresses Maquel's depature, saying, "I'm really appreciative of your guyses time" when he could have just said, "I'm really appreciative of your time" but who cares? Our damn President can barely string 3 words together--let it rip!

The group goes on a "hike" that lasts roughly 60 seconds (my kind of hike) and meet up with a married couple who are experts in wilderness survival--he's Mykel Hawke (is that a stage name? Or rather, a woods name?), a former Green Beret commander and his wife is British! They talk about the dangerous of black bears (who invited Betsy DeVos?), survival, and RECYCLING URINE aka DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE!!! Yezzzzz!!  Hahah. I love euphemisms for stuff.  "Recycling Urine"--oh you mean recycling it from my own vag into my own mouth! Goodness gracious this recap is off the rails.

Each participant is handed a bottle, told to go pee into it, and then assembled to watch Arie drink his pee first. NONE OF THIS IS A JOKE. This all occurred on ABC in primetime. Arie "sips his pee" then spits it out, then reveals that it was apple juice JUST as Jacqueline (a girl who has hardly said anything and made ZERO impression on Bachelor Nation) is about to drink hers! Then we cut to a shot of blonde Jenna saying, "I would drink my pee for Arie--I would do anything." Oh Jenna, please never change.

Please take this pee conversation opportunity to watch a hilarious video created by my brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, that leads a candid conversation about America's favorite pasttime: drinking its own pee.



After The PeePee Tape (JK but I literally pray to God that President Trump's Pee Tape gets released--you KNOW that Mueller has a copy), the gang has an opportunity to eat WORMS and Tia and Kendall are FIRED UP! Kendall, as you may recall, was on an episode of Fear Factor that involved eating bugs, so this is old hat.  Krystal is horrified by all of it, as was I, though I am NOT on Team Krystal anymore.

Krystal is deep in denial and projecting HARD, as she rails against the other women, saying that they are desperate and insecure and don't know who they are. In fact, Krystal is feeling insecure and a bit unmoored and rather than handle those feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way, by looking within or sitting with them or taking ownership of these feelings, Krystal lashes out at the other women. Girl, read a self help book and get a clue.

As if bug eating and (fake) pee drinking weren't "nature date-y" enough, now the crew is split up into 3 teams, given heavy backpacks and maps, and cast out into the wilderness to find their way to a destination where there is a hot tub and bubbly.  What better carrot to dangle in front of a bevy of Bachelor babes!?

The blue team gets Arie and gets to the cabin/oasis first.  The grey team gets completely lost, and the red team is off the rails (this is when Chelsea spots Marikh allegedly using the compass as a reflective surface to check her hair and I would have done the same thing! Well, I mean, it was snowing and that would RUIN my curls, so I would definitely have them up and protected--as Ashley did--not down and losing body, as Marikh did).  Finally, everyone assembles at the hot tub where they drink bubbly, canoodle, and crack jokes (at least Tia and Caroline do, and Krystal is too paranoid and insecure to get it).

Everyone gets dressed up for the afterparty, where Krystal continues to crack (GET IT!??!?) but says that everyone ELSE is spiraling and that it's "exhausting to watch." Sure, girl.

Arie and Lauren B. have a connection and chat by a fire and man, Lauren B. not only lacks personality, she has ZERO facial expressions.  It's bizarre.  Arie and Kendall have a nice 1:1 chat and my roommate Lola called it, saying, "Arie likes crazy" which I think is VERY true.

While the ladies get alone time with Arie, Krystal holds court on the couches, waxing poetic about how romance and dating works (Good Lord did anybody ask you, Krystal?) and talking about herself nonstop.

During Krystal's alone time with Arie she mostly says "like" and says that she has a target on her back because she and Arie have such a strong relationship and THAT is why the other girls don't like her. HA!! Keep telling yourself that, kiddo. Ummm--Bekah and Becca both have SERIOUS connexies with Arie and you don't see THEM being ostracized for being front runners. Krystal just keeps digging her own grave and preserving her legacy as the Courtney/Tierra/Vienna of this season.

Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to confront them about "mocking" her at the hottub and Caroline shoots straight--they were being silly, it wasn't meant to be mean to Krystal--and she's telling the truth!  They were being goofy!  Get over yourself, Krystal.  Nonetheless, the interaction feels like blondes vs. brunettes, or rather, Krystal vs. everybody--ha!

Tia and Arie have alone time during which he furiously rubs her neck and clavicles and when she tells him that she gets scared that he has strong connections with other women, he reassures her by saying, "you just need to have some faith that I have a plan" and WOW I haven't  heard that type of talk since the last time I read THE BIBLE. Who are you, Arie, friggin' God? Is this a remake of that classic Young Adult book, "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" called "Are You There Arie God, It's Me Tia?" Well, apparently treating Arie like the creator of heaven and Earth pays off, as Tia scores the group date rose, much to Krystal's frustration (though she SMILES BIG through it all).

Finally it's time for Baby Rizzo and Arie's 1:1 date which will be horseback riding, more hot tub and bubbly time (what else does one do in Lake Tahoe?), and, finally, a dinner of wine.  Back at the house, we FINALLY get some sound bites from Jacqueline, who says that she, too, is an "experience junkie" (as is Bekah, apparently) and that Bekah should spend her 20s doing all sorts of things, not settling down and cranking out babies for a 36 year old guy whose new favorite hobby is going to bed early.

Finally, over "dinner," Bekah (dressed in yet another huge, fake fur worn off her shoulders and yet another mock turtleneck and giant hoops) revels her age: 22 to Arie's 36.  Arie is STUNNED and I'm sorta shocked at how shocked he is because she has always looked YOUNG.  I mean, sure, she looks like a young Stockard Channing playing the role of Rizzo in the masterpiece, GREASE, but she has always looked VERY young, she's a nanny, and she has avoided the age question repeatedly. Dude--how didn't you see this coming!?  Arie just keeps saying "you're so young!" and sort of pulling away and Bekah goes into survival mode, trying HARD to reel him back in with promises of adventure and "follow your heart" and "just have new experiences" and all that stuff that you believe when you're 22.

He has his fingers IN her hoops which really grosses me out.

He explains that he has been dumped on national TV before and this time, he's seeking a partner, a wife, a person with whom to build a family (you didn't think that I was going to throw a dangling preposition in there, did you?) and that is WHY he's here.  He explains that his biggest fear is that he'll go through this whole bizarro wife search situation and come to the end, and find himself alone again. She responds, "well would it be worth it if that did happen?" and he says, "No! Cause I need a wife!" Oh man he is dropping TRUTH BOMBS and I can dig it!  He says, "I'm not here for a 22 year old girlfriend, I'm here to find a wife" and YET he decides to keep her around.

WARNING: I AM ABOUT TO BE QUITE CRASS:

Arie says that he's now going to "guard his heart a little bit" (whatever that means) but I think we all know that he's keeping Bekah around until the Fantasy Suite so that he can hump down with this sexy youngster, then he will DROP HER after that. I think he's a FOOL to keep her there, since he is SO drawn to her and she is, essentially, a non-option as far as wife/kids pronto, but he's keeping her around to get laid.  I'm betting on it.

Finally it's time to prepare for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Sienne, Tia, and Bekah M. already have roses, so they are chill as hell walking into this cocktail party.  Everyone else is sorta losing it. Everyone wants to talk to Arie, everyone seems to feel that they are misunderstood, there is tension in the house, and it's finally "really, really getting real--like, for real now, real real."

The ladies assemble and are all looking gorgeous--there's lots of sparkles, hair, lipstick. Kendall makes a hilarious point that Krystal talks as if she's reading from a self-help book and the Twee Taxidermist is RIGHT!!  Every time the ladies are assembled, Krystal is spouting off unsolicited advice about how you gotta "put yourself out there" and crap like that. The ladies all find her to be fake and two faced and it looks like next week (ROBE GATE), Arie is going to realize that.  But back to the cocktail party/rose ceremony....

Chris Harrison walks in like one of those "I'm here to ruin your life" GIFs that I would insert here if I understood technology at all and drops this bomb:

"There will be no cocktail party."

The ladies act as if Chris Harrison has just told them ALL of their respective homes have burned to the ground.  Also, yes, that bottom picture above is a still from my Instagram story. I live tweet as much as I can and also post Instagram stories because I live, eat, breathe BACH 24/7.  So be sure to follow me on twitter and Insta: both are @SelenaCoppock.

The freaked out ladies assemble in the rose ceremony room and Bekah is looking like a young Ms.  Hannigan with that silk dress plus fur off the shoulders thing. 

Hi, I'm Bekah and I'm ready for this rose ceremony to pop off!

Everyone is freaked out but, in classic Krystal fashion, only SHE feels like she deserves 1:1 time with Arie. Arie enters the rose ceremony room (THE CHAMBER), does a standard monologue about how hard it is to select a would-be wife from over a dozen knockouts who are more educated and better looking than he is.  Just as he is about to start doling out the flowers, Krystal interrupts him and asks if she can pull him away. She and Arie go sit on a bench and she says that the women in the house are making her feel insecure and she fears that she is putting up walls with HIM because of THEM and WOWIE ZOWIE Krystal doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING, does she?  Whatever--she'll be gone next week.  They go back to the line-up so that Arie can make some ladies cry.  Who gets roses? 

-Lauren - blonde white lady in a navy dress. She seems a LIL boring but perhaps I am a monster who surrounds herself with wackadoos who have a TON of personality? [HIGH KICK]
-Kendall - blonde white girl who LOVES dead animals! She's in a hippie chick beaded black dress that I don't hate.
-Ashley - light skinned black girl who seems has kept a low profile, which I can dig, but that dress feels a lil too casual. Beauty is pain, my friend!
-Becca K. - brunette white woman in a greenish dress, hair half up/half down, looking great.
-Chelsea - white lady single mama who is ALL cheekbones atop a blue dress.
-Jenna - blonde white woman serving vintage Hollywood realness with that liquid liner cat eye and I LIKE it but I think that she has zero connection with Arie beyond straddling him for a make-out.
-Jacqueline - brunette white lady who spoke ONCE this season! She is a PRO at not embarrassing her family, I'll say that.
-Marikh - dark haired Indian girl in a black, one shoulder dress. During the credits we watch her confront Chelsea about "glam shaming" and it was HILARRRRZ.
-Krystal - blonde white lady KOOKOO BIRD who gets the last rose and this rose will be her last (see what I did there?).

So who is going home?
-Caroline - a beautiful former Miss Massachusetts (HELL YESSSS) who seems hilarious and cool and smart, so naturally Arie sent her packing. Very presciently, she said that Krystal is playing Arie like a fiddle and she will be proven right next week, I think! Although he'll quit playing the fiddle and this Americana folk music metaphor is getting MESSY.
-Brittany - a gorgeous black woman whose dress choices were ON POINT every time.

My heart breaks for Tia because she's losing her buddy Caroline, but I'm sure they'll stay in touch (and I'll be watching it on Instagram like a Bachelor superfan psychopath!).

Next week the gang heads to FLORIDA and it looks like single mom Chelsea is the mystery lady who straddles Arie on a moving jet ski. On episode 1 I made a joke about Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski is VERY Eastbound & Down and HOLY SHIT Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski BY A SINGLE MOTHER FROM A D LIST CITY is SOOOOO COMPLETELY EASTBOUND & DOWN I can't even believe it!!

Bachelor Arie: TRIGGER WARNING: Bumper Car Trauma

LOVEBUGS!

I'm late with this recap because I had a standup show on Monday night when the geniuses behind The Bachelor dropped this KILLER episode. On Tuesday morning, a few friends who are fellow Bach-Heads made mention of bumper cars and I wasn't sure what they meant, but I figured, oh a bumper car group date--how weird can it be?

OH, IT CAN BE PROFOUNDLY WEIRD, SWEET READERS.

But before we get into flashbacks to childhood bumper car trauma and the PTSD that such events can cause and ripple throughout your adulthood, start from the beginning.

There are 21 ladies in the house and they are all looking gorgeous and sipping mimosas like the walking cliches that they are (as a feminist, I hate to say that b/c I truly LOVE these ladies for being gutsy enough to go on this show and I bet they are almost all super fun and cool but also, I HATE brunch and mimosas are connected to that, so I must throw shade). I am fascinated by the mechanics behind everything and I kept thinking--it was sunrise when the first night rose ceremony finished up and now it's daylight--did this mimosa toast take place mere HOURS after that unending first night cocktail party OR did the ladies get a day to SLEEP, settle in, then kick things off the next day? I feel like it's the former but I wish that it were the latter.

As the ladies sip mimosas, "tough guy" Arie is on the top of a mountain--just him and an eagle hanging loose like two rolling stones who are VERY COOL, right? Extremely cool! I mean, that leather jacket! Those shades! This guy is EXTREMELY COOL, the producers assure you!!

Chris Harrison arrives at the house and hands over a date card for Becca K, the brunette publicist from Minneapolis. Before you can say "Arie is fundamentally NOT HOT. His DNA is ugly--I'm sorry to be so harsh but I am a scientist," Arie rolls up to scoop up Becca K. for a motorcycle ride into the mountains. Like a gaggle of gluttons for punishment, the 18 ladies who are NOT invited on the date assemble in the front driveway to watch Arie and Becca drive off.

As they drive to an anonymous mansion, Becca keeps remarking on how amazing this ride is, that this feels so good, that "we're not in Kansas anymore" (DUMB CHILLS), even though we can't see Arie's face (thank GOD), you just KNOW that he's there underneath his helmet being like, "zip it! Act like you been here! Soak it in, but please don't give me a director's cut of this ride, girl."

They arrive at an offensively modern, sleek mansion where there is lobster, champagne, and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's-bestie-turned-enemy who they nicknamed Raisin Face, RACHEL ZOE!

Brace yourself for some branding partnerships because it's episode 2 and we're already being force fed Rachel Zoe's new fashion line, Louboutin's signature red-soled shoes (did you know you can buy stickers to make ANY soles red? Ha! I'm a trash bag), and Neil Lane.

Becca gets a day of ostentatious indulgence and unrepentant materialism and Arie slides right in the role of Lame Boyfriend Waiting Outside The Fitting Room as Becca tries on gorgeous, metallic, 70s style dress after dress. I'll admit that all of those dresses were very on brand for me (my BRAND is disco queen who has seen  better days) and--get this--Becca gets to keep them all. Lucky lady! After the dress deluge, Arie gets down on one knee to gift Becca a pair of Louboutins and then Neil Lane's enforcer walks up off the beach (very casual) to hand over a box of blood diamonds.  Becca is stunned by the diamond earrings, necklace, and bracelets and Arie says that he's excited to spoil her because she's down to Earth.  You hear that, ladies! Act like you don't NEED diamonds and you will GET diamonds because The Secret does NOT work, in fact the opposite works! Life is crazy!

Lauren pops back to the mansion with her arms full of bags (it's just like "Pretty Woman" except Lauren isn't a woman who is being paid to fuck a stranger--she is NOT being paid and MIGHT fuck a semi-stranger--VERY DIFFERENT) and makes everyone jealous, then changes into a beautiful silver number and heads to downtown LA to meet up with schlubby Arie. He's waiting for her and wearing a suit, but that doesn't make up for his face. Arie AGAIN justifies his CHOICE of leaving professional race car driving (WE GET IT! You're SUPER EXCITED about where your life is heading, which is why you constantly tell everyone that you're super excited about where our life is headed! Totally!), they agree that it's pretty cool that they BOTH have families they don't hate, and Becca scores a rose.  Oh also, they discuss Becca's late father and make out beneath a shower of gold confetti.

Up next is a 1:1 date for the valley girl-iest fan of whispering, Krystal. OK, in episode 1 I really liked Krystal--she seemed like a bubbly, earnest, simple, sweet girl and I was on her side. I liked her throughout most of episode 2 until the cocktail party, but we'll get to that.  Her 1:1 date with Arie is what I call the "Too Much Too Soon Mindfuck Special"--a private flight to Scottsdale, AZ (where he lives and his parents and brother live) where tour around his hometown, high school, and finish it off with a stop in to MEET THE PARENTS! Remember, fellow Bach heads--this is a FIRST DATE.  Krystal and Arie met AT MOST, 48 hours prior.  And now she's watching home video of him and meeting his sweet parents!? HUH?

Everything this season is moving WAY TOO FAST and I'm sure that's by design--there's more drama to be had for producers if you can get the ladies HOOKED QUICKLY. So we are seeing ladies reveal family trauma VERY early on (I'm sure producers are encouraging that), ladies dive into Arie's family and childhood stories much too early (again, no an accident), and just an expedited timeline that pushes them to a level of false familiarity with Arie.  Can you tell that I've become VERY good at sensing false familiarity and a deliberate lack of boundaries in guys? Special thanks to dudes who manipulated me when I was young and naive and foolishly thought that people were all nice and honest!

Krystal falls for it (or wants to believe it? Or just enjoys it? I can't quite tell) and loves the walk down Arie's memory lane (also known as Narcissism Street) and is thrilled to meet his parents, brother, sister-in-law.  They have a nice chat and I'll say this for Krystal, she's a great conversationalist, she's very inclusive of the family, curious about them, asks a lot of questions.  Also I must give props to the fact that all THREE women in the parents' house are BLONDE, so I love it.  If Krystal marries Arie, they'll have a gorgeous extended family of blonde women and men who can easily wear bags over their heads because their heads are all quite small.

That night, over dinner (drinks) at Los Angeles landmark The Bradbury Building, Arie asks Krystal about her childhood and Krystal reveals herself as she seems to choke back tears. Poor thing. She explains that her father walked out, her mother was a single mom and Krystal felt that she and her brother were not wanted (oh Lord how sad is that?), that she essentially raised her little brother, and dealt with very adult things from a very young age.  Before I lambast her for being a weirdo at the cocktail party, I'll say this: I give her SO much credit for having such a positive attitude in spite of that tragic childhood of abandonment.  Arie pulls a Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting and literally says "it's not your fault" then when she asks if this scares him (oh man I was almost crying), he says no, gives her a rose, and they make out HARD.

The next day is a group date for 15 girls (Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah aka Poor Man's Rizzo aka Braless Nanny, Jenny aka Jenna cause who can tell those blondes apart, Sierre, Jenna aka Jenny because--wait, didn't we already account for her, who knows, Caroline, Brittney, Bibiana aka MIAMI HEAT, Chelsea or something I think? how long does it take to recite 15 names and also who are most of these people.

But before they leave to play real life bumper cars with "shitty cars" that would probably be considered "perfectly good cars" in any country but the United States, Krystal needs to act evasive when the ladies ask her about what her 1:1 date with Arie was. In some ways I get it (BOUNDARIES!) but also, come on, girl. Be friendly, chat a little bit, have fun.

The group date gals head to a mud pit and enter the stadium like a sea of yoga pants, where Chris Harrison and some supposedly famous car person, Robby Gordon, are waiting to do color commentary for the BASHELOR Demolition Derby! Everyone is fired up except for Annaliese who has--and this is where The Bachelor turned into a self-parody--traumatic memories of bumper cars. Annaliese explains to Marikh and Maquel that as a child, she drove bumper cars and was smashed up, felt all alone, was terrified. The brilliant minds behind The Bachelor intercut the footage of Annaliese sharing her trauma and crying with shots of bumper cars and screams of children. I AM NOT KIDDING!!! Scroll back up to see those gems!! It was HILARIOUS. 

Of course, Pasty Arie calms her down, says he'll act as the car Goon to protect her (I gotta get in at least one Goon reference per recap), and the Demolition Derby kicks off!  Everyone is suited up, in helmets and neck guards, but MAN whiplash seems imminent nonetheless.  Sienne wins and later, we learn that not only is she great at demolition derby, she also attended Yale University.

The afterparty is that night and Brittany is too sick to attend (later it sounds like she may have been hospitalized? Dude waaaaah? This pasty snooze is NOT worth it, girl!), which is probably for the best because shit is TENSE.  Everyone looks gorgeous (well, except Arie who is rocking a corny assed cardigan and his face) and after a toast, Single Mother Chelsea pulls Arie away IMMEDIATELY to explain that it's much harder for HER to be there and SHE is really focused on this because she's a single mother and "this is actually really serious to me." Arie has dated numerous single mothers so he's unfazed (which I sort of LOVED b/c she acted like she was about to drop a SUPER UNIQUE BOMB and he was like, OK yeah cool no bigs). Then Chelsea returns to the group and tells them that SHE is really there FOR LOVE because SHE is a mother and it's really, uniquely hard for HER to be there and GOD BLESS, Marikh and Bibiana are both NOT having that and remind her that they ALL have their reasons to be there and they ALL left things behind and they ALL chose this journey.  THANK YOU, ladies! I am never having children and yet, if I went on the show, I'd be "actually really serious" about it also--women who aren't mothers aren't somehow frivolous gals about town--we ALSO want love and partnership.  OK enough of my yakkin!

Slowly, Bibiana is becoming increasingly anxious about things and worried that she won't have 1:1 time with Arie, which she does NOT end up having. That has GOT to be frustrating. Bekah M. aka Poor Man's Rizzo rocks a wildly unflatting, white girl flesh toned turtleneck  (A TURTLENECK) and makes out with Arie just after he does a dorky shoulder shrug. 

Finally the group date is almost over and Arie has to give out a rose.  He fakes out Chelsea (DELICIOUS) and hands it to Sienne.  Nice werk!

The next day is the cocktail party and let me cover it quickly:
-Bibiana looks gorgeous (love that one shoulder thing) and aint got NO TIME for Krystal's fake nicey nicey bullshit and I am Team Bibiana on this one. After Krystal grabs Arie away from other girls TWICE (even though she has a rose), Miami's own Bibiana tells Krystal that "there's a lot of angry people here and I'm just the voice" then legit STAND UP, says "mic drop" and walks out. BIBS RULZ.
-Baby Rizzo Bekah is wearing no bra (lights out NIPS OUT) and a T-shirt material dress, it seems, plus a fur coat (huh) and mid-make out tells Arie "I'm simple, I'm not drama, I'm easy to please" which is a line straight out of the Cool Girl Handbook and it makes me want to puke, but Arie eats it up.
-Sienne informs Arie that she is MUCH smarter and more cultured than he is.
-Krystal tells Arie that she has missed him (they were apart for, what, a day?).

It's rose ceremony time and Becca K., Krystal, and Sienne are safe and have roses. Who else scores flowers that you could buy a corner bodega?
-Maquel - blonde white girl from Utah rocking a dusty rose bandage dress that is too big for her. Bad look.
-Jacqueline - brunette white girl in low cut, 70s style, satin dress and hoops.
-Bekah - tween who resembles an old woman playing a teenager in Grease and recites lines from every dude's dream girl fan fiction. Next up she'll  be like, "I eat SO MUCH and I'm addicted to GIVING HEAD!"
-Jenna - blonde white girl in a green dress with shoulder cut outs SO large that the arms of her dress are straps and wrist pieces--very weird.
-Chelsea - Mom from Hell (Portland, Maine).
-Lauren S. - blonde white girl w/ long hair, cool maroon dress. She has kept a low profile and I can dig it.
-Kendall - faux hipster who is trying MUCH too hard and was apparently featured on a disgusting episode of Fear Factor that never aired! My sweet college friend Zach dug up the clip! Watch it here, if you dare!
-Brittany - black girl who got some major whiplash during the demolition derby, rocking a black dress with cool neckline.
-Ashley - girl who didn't get a date this week so was extremely anxious, but should perhaps "put on a lip" as they say.
-Marikh - girl who owns the Indian restaurant with her mother sporting a SLINKY, metallic dress that looks like it is made of rust-colored latex and I LOVE IT.
-Caroline - brunette white girl in a red dress that's very "Pretty Woman" and looks lovely.
and the last rose goes to.....
-Bibiana - Miami's spiciest export who, I am hoping, will stop being polite (about waiting for her turn with Arie) and start getting real!

So which ladies traveled to LA only to earn a few hundred more Twitter followers from this bizarro experience?
-Valerie - redhead white girl who doesn't seem to understand what it means to find colors that flatter you.
-Lauren G. - black girl with long hair and a RAD, sparkly dress who I seemed super cool AND can spot a pair of Loubouton's at 50 paces
-Jenny - blonde white girl who was SUPER snarky and sarcastic and, in one clip, mocked Arie's age to his face. She walked out without saying goodbye, then when he followed her, she said that she was sad, but NOT sad to leave him, rather, sad to leave her friends! What a shameless burn as you exit. I giver her credit.

When Arie wants a hug but you aint in a hugging mood

I'll watch episode 3 live and I'm bracing myself for more fake nicey antics out of Krystal and even fewer bras out of Baby Rizzo aka Behak M.