Man oh man today (Tuesday) was exhausting. I had a full day of work, an audition, and a facial. Now I'm home with my candles (burning a classic Henri Bendel Vanilla Bean and a cute, religious-style candle with Dolly Parton's image on it) and I am going to CRANK out this recap cause mama's tired!
We pick up where we left off last week: Onyeka and Nicole BRAWLING, Colton walking on the beach alone frustrated, all the other girls wide-eyed and in shock, and Kirpa rocking a chin bandage (that I learned is covering an injury that sweet Kirpa got while taking a selfie on some slippery rocks--thank you for cracking the case, Audra!). I've said it a million times over the course of a million recaps: on this show, if you make ANY type of drama (be it you are pulled into drama or you attempt to unmask someone as the house parian), YOU will be sent home. Colton was already leaning that way when Chris Harrison approached him on the beach. Colton said, "I have some women who are here to be vulnerable and I have other women throwing each other under the bus--that's not what we're here for." To me, Onyeka and Nicole's joint fates were sealed with that. Bachelor Nation knew that America's Favorite Virgin was DONE with this DRAMZ and yo, I get it.
I won't go through the rose ceremony one-by-one because, as I mentioned, I am BEAT and goodness gracious it was SNOWY and slushy today and what is it about messy weather that is so damn exhausting? BUT I DIGRESS, everyone scored a rose except Onyeka and Nicole. Bye girls. Onyeka, you did this to yourself and Nicole, you were the unlucky to somehow end up in her sights.
Then they're off to Vietnam and what better way to christen your new suite, but with a quote from a Robin Williams movie in which he plays an irreverent DJ in the thick of a war that will soon turn into a total quagmire that will be the albatross around the neck of numerous American Presidents, "GOOD MORNING, VIETNAAAAM!"
Hannah G. aka First Impression Rose scores a 1:1 date and their date is at a massage parlor/spa and it gets SEXY AF. HOO BOY it was looking like a sexy assed D'Angelo video in there, with Hannah and Colton GLISTENING in that mud and rubbing each other. Hello, NURSE, as the Animaniacs would say. There is a whole lotta body-on-body snuggling and even the 'ole "legs around his trunk" pickup maneuver, which is always a Bachelor Nation pleaser.
Meanwhile, Caelynn and Carrie are back at the hotel and Caelynn comments that Hannah has always gotten by on her looks, which is rich to hear from ANY other knockout on this show. This show isn't called "I Had To Develop A Personality" and it's about uggos dating uggos, OK?
Anyhoodles, back on the 1:1, Hannah is telling Colton that she's good at being bubbly and fun and somewhat superficial and she keeps up a wall. I can relate to this--I think a fair number of women can. You want to be friendly, supportive, bubbly, light--at least to start. But, I suppose, Hannah is saying that she maintains that throughout and she says it's because she learned to protect herself while enduring her parents (seemingly sorta messy) divorce. She comments that it's "lame" and Colton, in his unending warmth and nonjudgmental manner (I MEAN THIS! I am not being snarky and it's bananas), assures Hannah that, in fact, that is NOT lame at all and that sounds like a completely normal reaction to a traumatizing event. Colton GETS IT, you guys! Hannah get a rose (no surprise there), they make out, and Colton says that he can picture Hannah as his wife.
A group date is the next day and the crew is Cassie (is she a lil bland or just not as bubbly as I like?), Heather (Modern Day Jerry Hall), Tayshia (crushing it), Caelynn (cute, but is there more beneath the surface?), Katie (she and Colton were STRONG but are they still?), Hot Mess Express Alabama Hannah, Sydney (demure dancer), Demi (tiresome, overgrown Bratz doll) and the are in for a day of FIGHTING!! Yeah, baby!
Colton and the Crew dress up in blue suits for a day of "vovinam" which is a Vietnamese form of self-defense that Alabama Hannah calls "kung fu." They do some training exercises (Demi sucks at it, Hannah rules at it, everyone gives it the college try) then are paired up for a real Vovinam match, which looks a lot like boxing mixed with a schoolyard beatdown, set to a soundtrack of shrieks and laughter. Demi proves that she is all bark and no bite, which is both surprising and not surprising. I suppose it's always the biggest shit talkers who CANNOT BACK IT UP, but still, I was just like, "wow Demi you are a frigging CHICKENSHIT after all the smack you have talked all season."
That night at the after party, Katie tries to tell Colton that she is trying and she hopes that he notices it, but she is almost-crying/squeaking so badly that the Bachelor Producers throw closed captioning on that baby. HA! That made me laugh.
Sydney is spiraling somewhat and she is doing what we have seen in previous seasons (namely, Ali Fedotowski on Jake's season of The Bachelor): essentially saying that she is too good for this and if her crush likes THAT GIRL, then he simply CANNOT be looking for what SHE has to offer. It always comes off as snobby and off-putting, and Sydney was no exception. The producers show us clips of Alabama Hannah being hilarious (her with those 2 poles that she pretended were Heather? I was DYING!), of Demi laughing in a silly way, and then Sydney insinuating that she is "wife material" and somehow, they are not. This is how you get a one-way ticket home, Sydney!! The one thing she said that I agree with is that if it's right, then it would be easier between the 2 of them. Amen. I believe that. It should NOT be so hard at the start, so Sydney opts to go home and bounces out, much to the shock of the other women.
As she exits, she cryptically warns Colton not to be distracted by "bright, shiny objects" and I'm sorry, but I find that stuff insulting to his intelligence. What do you know what he wants? Admittedly, I think he would be unwise to propose to a 23-year-old, if he wants a wife for life, but also, he's a genuine guy and a kind soul, so maybe give him a little more credit, OK? Also why am I defending this guy so hard? Ha!
Tayshia gets the group date rose, much to the surprise and sadness of Alabama Hannah and Demi.
The next day is the final 1:1 and it's finally Kirpa's moment in the sun (careful of the selfies on the rocks, girl)! She arrives in a cute, polka dot day dress and sandals while Colton is showing off his nice arms in a navy tank top and light swim trunks (gosh, am I an old lady calling them "swim trunks"? Yeah I am). They hop on a boat and put down an anchor so that they can go speak fishing (flippers and all), then eat the seafood that they found.
That night they go out to dinner and I LOVED Kira's look--black, off the shoulder, dramatic blouse, snug, black pants--very 70s disco. Colton's looking tan and toned in a white, snug button-down shirt and he refers to Kirpa as a slow burn, which is a killer track off of Kacey Musgrave's Grammy-winning album!
They talk about relationships and love: Kirpa was with her ex for 8 years and they are engaged but called it off. Kirpa comes off as super real, genuine, low key, and friendly. Nonetheless, I thought that Colton would send her home saying that it was just a bit too late and that their relationship simply wasn't as far along as the others, but he does NOT do that, and instead, hands her a rose! Hey, ya never know! They make out in the rain and Colton is looking NICE in a wet, white shirt, like a Vietnamese Wet T-shirt Contest, baby!
Later that night, Overgrown Bratz Doll Doing Her Best Impression of a Real Human With Emotions (Demi) shows up at Colton's hotel room, joking that "after this, he might not be a virgin anymore." Man oh man, not only is Demi corny as hell, but she's a virtual predator who treats Colton's sexual history as a joke--also, I am a fun assassin. Ha!
Colton is friendly to Demi and invites her in, then she launches into the most one-note, rehearsed speech that sounds like a used car salesman just trying to CLOSE THE DEAL, and the deal is making Colton believe that Demi loves him. She recounts the benchmarks of their relationship, ending with, "I am falling in love with you" and THAT, FINALLY makes Colton shoot her straight and admit that he doesn't see them getting there.
HOORAY! I was literally CHEERING!
Their whole dynamic felt like such a charade. I think that Colton appreciated her attitude and tenacity, but you could tell that hew as NEVER into her and she seemed more intent on WINNING than on being with Colton. Upon receiving this "upsetting news" from Colton, Demi puts her hand over her face and WISHES that tears would come, but they do not. They hug, and she walks away. Oh Demi, I wish you luck as you attempt to get laughs in conversation via inserting jokes and catchphrases that were popular a decade ago. The last shot we see of Demi is her walking down the stairs rocking a baby backpack and it was so perfect. Bye biiiiish.
Oh, before she leaves, she also says some cryptic thing to him about how there are some girls who might seem like a safe choice, but they are not. Another cryptic goodbye--huh.
The cocktail party/rose ceremony is the next night, but Chris Harrison shows up with some startling news that happens every season: THERE WILL BE NO COCKTAIL PARTY!! Colton knows what Colton wants, so we are going STRAIGHT to a rose ceremony! Good luck, gals!
At this point, I guessed that Colton would send home either Heather (because she's SO young and inexperienced, and really, can you marry a girl who has never KISSED another man?) or Katie (they started strong, but has their energy shifted somehow?).
Kira, Tayshia, and Hannah G. already have roses, and who else got 'em?
-Hannah B. rocking a cute blue, sleeveless dress with hair half up/half down
-Caelynn in a black, silk-y dress and delicate necklace
-Cassie in a funky hairstyle of a front braid and black dress
-Heather in a SOLID outfit of a one-sleeved, white top and silvery/white skirt (LOVE IT)
SO, going home is
Katie (at least she looks good doing it, in a sparkly, dark dress and hair curled and swept to one side).
Colton walks her out and she, too, exits with a cryptic message about how some girls in there aren't quite ready and some are, and that he should be smart.
That is now THREE warnings from THREE separate women about being aware of non-serious or immature or fake girls who are still left. I wonder if they all mean the SAME person or not. Or if they don't really mean ANYONE, but just wanted to spook him as they departed. I mean, hell, thats can be fun--don't get upset at the dude who is dropping you--make him second-guess every decision he's going to make from here on out. That's some solid mind fucking right there!
Colton is NOT in the mood to celebrate with the remaining women, so he leaves and we get a LENGTHY preview of what is to come in these final weeks.
Bachelor Nation, we FINALLY get our dramatic fence jump, SOMEONE is revealed to be full of shit (Cassie?), Alabama Hannah gets a hometown date, Colton (seemingly) cashes in that V card, and proposes to one lucky lady. Can you believe that we are in the home stretch!?
What do you think goes down between now and the finale!? Who are your top contenders?