But let's start at the beginning: in Manteca, California, also known as Garrett's hometown. This means that Garrett lives in Reno, Nevada OF HIS OWN ACCORD (I think that we all just assumed that he was born there and couldn't quite escape, ya know?). It's fitting that the Bachelorette participant who mocked immigrants and trans people on Instagram is from MANteca, isn't it? This aint WOMANteca, CA.
Becca runs up and does her signature spring-straddle-jump-make-out move in a patterned romper and booties (goodness gracious I HATE the word "bootie" so much, but I suppose that's what they are).
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| Becca's straddle jump is sorta like this, but a little less graceful and a lot more straddle-y. |
Garrett's family is involved in agriculture (so they must enjoy some major farm subsidies sponsored by the Federal government but I bet they HATE people who take "handouts" (cough--subsidies--cough) from the Federal government but also, I don't know these people, so why am I being so negative? Snap out of it, Selena!) so Garrett invites Becca to plant tomatoes with him. They get onto a big green tractor and sit in these little planter seats as Carlos drives the tractor around the field very slowly and they make-out while putting tomato seeds into a chute. They're lucky nobody lost a finger!
They talk about exploiting their eventual children as free farm labor, plant a rose bush near the tomatoes (companion planting, baby!), and drink wine/booze before they meet his ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY.
I'm not kidding—Becca and Garrett roll up to a McMansion (and it might be a random house that's for sale and was staged by the producers because apparently that's a thing that Bachelor producers do now BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD IS A FRIGGING LIE) where the assembled group includes grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles. Garrett's family is THIRSTY to be on TV. Garrett and his brother have a strange fingers-to-eyes signal that they do and Garrett's sister dissolves in tears before you can say "I promised myself I wouldn't cry." Honestly, it felt a lot more like the family's opportunity to process Garrett's divorce than it did the family's opportunity to get to know Becca, ya know?
Otherwise, it's standard issue family shiz: they're protective, they don't want to see him get his heart stomped on again, all that jazz. Outside, Becca and Garrett make out on a perfectly-placed bench.
Becca barely has a moment to wash the taste of Garrett outta her mouth, before it's Jason's turn to show us around BUFFALO, NEW YORK!!
It's one of those gross "spring" days that is grey, raw, and depressions--classic Buffalo! Becca's rocking a cute, baby pink hat and scarf with an army green jacket (sorta Melania "I Don't Care, Do U?" style but with less cruel cynicism) while Jason rocks a grey jacket and slicked back hair (a lil too "Wall Street" for my taste, but whatever).
They head into the world famous Anchor Bar where a HUGE crowd is assembled and there is—wouldn't you know it—a buffalo chicken wing contest that's about to pop off! Becca wows the crowd by knowing that there is NO RANCH DRESSING in Buffalo! Blue cheese only, baby!
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| Eric Andre should NOT bring his Ranch drama to Buffalo, NY! |
Jason and Becca and a few REAL wing eaters chow down as the crowd chants "EAT THOSE WINGS" and then later "KISS! KISS! KISS!"
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| People in Buffalo, NY LOVE this band, apparently! |
Eventually, Jason emerges as the hottest of the contestants when he reveals that he grew up skating and loves playing HOCKEY! Dude! Why were you holding out on me!? I would have loved you from day 1 if I had known that! Is your slicked back hair—could it be—HOCKEY HAIR!?!? This changes EVERYTHING!!! Jason!! I love you! And not just because your brother and his husband are goddamn delights!! But that doesn't hurt, for sure.
Becca and Jason skate around the rink then make-out atop a zamboni (#LIFEGOALS) as a poor zamboni driver just tries to close up the damn rink.
Then they head to Jason's family home where his parents, bro, and bro's husband are waiting for them. Their upstate NY accents KILL ME and take me straight back to the on-campus diner at Hamilton College where the line cooks would scream down the line, "FINGERS FOR A RAAAAAAP" when you ordered a chicken finger wrap (holy unhealthy lifestyle, Batman).
Both of Jason's parents ask how he would handle being dumped, which is a good point, if sorta negative. Jason has a wonderful chat with his brother and his brother's husband and I don't need to tell you that representation matters and I hope that some more conservative members of Bachelor Nation looked at that partnership and saw that they are just like ANY married couple out there. OK, I'll hop off this soapbox now.
Outside, beneath a tree as it snows (Bufallo gonna Buffalo), Jason tells Becca that he's insanely and wildly in love with her.
Up next is Bailey, Colorado, the hometown of smiley Blake. Becca runs out of the car (wearing booties--barf--that word!, jeans, and a maroon jacket) and straddle jumps Blake, who is about to take her on a walk down memory lane at his HIGH SCHOOL! Good Lord why does ANYONE think this is interesting? I mean, your high school? Huh? But this aint any old high school—this is a high school that had a school shooting! Talk about a moment where The Bachelorette can "GET REAL" with topical issues. We hear that strange story and how it inspired Blake to be happy and positive because these reality TV shows LOVE a shaggy dog story of triumph in the face of senseless violence. Goodness gracious I am CYNICAL as hell today, aren't I? I'm sorry. I'm seeing a new dude and I am so happy about it but we had our first little tiff today about a new pair of sunglasses I just bought and now I'm all bugaboo. But it's FINE! He's GREAT! Stalk my Instagram (@selenacoppock) if you want to check him out.
Right after we learn what "code white" means (shooter on the premises) it's time for a "CODE PARTY" cause Betty Who is in the auditorium singing her hit song, "Ignore Me" and Becca is a HUGE fan of this person!!
That night, Becca meets Blake's mom and her (now) husband (aww snap is he the guy from that high school divorce drama?), Blake's dad and his wife, and we hear a LOT about how torn up Blake was in his last breakup.
I can't locate the article now, but I remember reading a really brilliant piece about how when a guy suffers a heartbreak as a young man (HS, college), it is often taken SO SERIOUSLY and treated as this MASSIVE, major event in his life, whereas when a young woman goes through that, somehow it's seen as silly or unimportant and not taken as seriously. It's similar to the phenomenon of "women's movies" or "women's books" being dismissed as "chick flicks" or "chick lit" whereas the MALE experience is the real, serious experience. And so with heartbreak, don't you think?
OK I am RAMBLING today. Back to the snark...
Blake's father wisely reminds his son that life isn't a series of fantasy dates in far-flung locations—can Becca and Blake handle real life together? Becca seems to be hinting at it, saying, "I can see Blake in my life forever—and his family in my life forever." They make out HARD by the car and I gotta say, maybe the Bachelorette producers are messing with me, but Becca and Blake seem to have a closer connection than the others.
Finally, it's Colton's turn and he greets Becca in his hometown of Parker, CO. It's sunny and warm and Becca rocks tight jeans, a red sweater while Colton looks NIIIIIICE in a leather jacket, dark pants, and boots.
They shop for gifts for kiddos that they will be visiting in the Cystic Fibrosis wing of the local hospital, which is a date made to melt your damn heart.
That night, Becca meets the family which is a BIG DEAL to Colton (much like his virginity and hey, you do you, my dude, but most of us threw our virginities down a garbage disposal in high school). Colton's family is his dad (who looks like an older brother and kinda acts that way, too) and his mom (who looks like a big sis and seems SUPER sweet), 3 brothers, a sister, nieces and nephews, and Garrett's entire family (JK on that last part but seriously, that McMansion felt like a clown car of relatives). Colton fills his parents in on how much he has revealed to Becca, which is everything (Tia history, virginity, his minimal previous dating experience). Colton is very smiley and confident and he tells Becca that he knows he's in love with her and he's really happy about it.
After all 4 hometown dates, Becca heads back to Los Angeles to convene with her GIRLZ over MIMOSAS. Becca fills in Caroline, Tia, weird dead animal girl, Sienne, and Baby Rizzo aka Bekah about her 4 remaining suitors. The last name Becca mentions is Colton, which makes Tia's face fall but she attempts a poker face before she literally PUTS UP HER HAND and asks Becca if they can talk 1:1 outside. Yikes.
Tia tells Becca that hearing about Colton makes her feel sick to her stomach, that she still has feelings for Colton (MONTHS after their one-time MAKE OUT?), and that it's really upsetting to her to know that Becca got to meet his family. Oh girl. OK, none of this is OK. I get it, Tia, you are feeling upset and rejected and believe me I know that it is HARD to watch your FRIEND date/make progress with a guy you like. I have BEEN THERE. Trust me. Years back I really liked this comedy guy and we hooked up a bunch of times and then a comedian "friend" of mine went after him and they dated and it was SOOO frigging painful. I get it. But also, Tia girl, you only MADE OUT with Colton. One weekend. You have NO real right to do ANY of what you are doing right now. I'm sure it's upsetting to know that Becca met his camp counselor-like parents. But this—YOUR part in this—is NOT OK. As all my friends know, I feel that SO many issues in life are caused by boundaries (or, really, a lack of boundaries) and this is an example. I'm sorry but Becca is down to FOUR GUYS. Your thoughts are too late, they are ONLY hurtful and toxic at this point, and it's 100% unfair to Becca. Tia says that she "had to be honest" and "couldn't leave without you knowing that" but those aren't true. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. It's brutally painful, but sometimes you gotta just accept that a guy doesn't like you and MOVE ON. As my sister Laurel taught me, closure is a gift you give yourself.
OK, enough of my theories on appropriate friend behavior—we've got a rose ceremony to get to!
Becca looks GORGEOUS in a black ball gown with a plunging neckline, funky collar-ish thing, and MAJOR slit up the side. The guys arrive 1 by 1 and talk to papa Chris Harrison, with Colton, specifically, asking Chris about the fantasy suite. Chris answers that sex is NOT required, which seems pretty damn obvious, but I guess that being a virgin in the fantasy suite is probably like being a 19 year old with a fake ID in a bar—you just assume that somehow, things are really official and you might end up in over your head.
Becca hands out roses to:
-Blake: rocking an all black suit with red bow tie which is an absolutely BIZARRE look.
-Jason: wearing a dark blue suit, light blue shirt, and no tie which is, AS USUAL, MUCH TOO CASUAL FOR A ROSE CEREMONY (especially this late in the game)
-Garrett: done up in a black-on-black suit which is HOTTTTTT and like, a real man's version of Blake's strange outfit.
So America's Next Top Virgin, Colton, is heading back to Colorado to wear a unicorn horn alone. Becca's voiceover insists that it's not about Tia, but I think it's at least a little bit about Tia. And about him being so young and inexperienced, I'm sure. After a certain age, virginity is like an albatross.
Becca walks him out and says that she hates doing this to him, she feels terrible. Colton is a bit weepy and says that he just wants the opportunity to fall in love (Colton for next Bachelor?), be happy (I get that), and not feel broken (aww man—just toss that dang virginity into a ravine like the rest of us).
Becca leaves him with the best line of the season, "it's just not there, as much as I want it to be there." Amen, girl.
Next up, Becca and the Trio of Bois are heading to THAILAND!!! Based on the shot of her crying and an earlier shot of her with Jason at dinner, I'm guessing she sends Jason home next week. Did you notice that? What do you think?
I can't locate the article now, but I remember reading a really brilliant piece about how when a guy suffers a heartbreak as a young man (HS, college), it is often taken SO SERIOUSLY and treated as this MASSIVE, major event in his life, whereas when a young woman goes through that, somehow it's seen as silly or unimportant and not taken as seriously. It's similar to the phenomenon of "women's movies" or "women's books" being dismissed as "chick flicks" or "chick lit" whereas the MALE experience is the real, serious experience. And so with heartbreak, don't you think?
OK I am RAMBLING today. Back to the snark...
Blake's father wisely reminds his son that life isn't a series of fantasy dates in far-flung locations—can Becca and Blake handle real life together? Becca seems to be hinting at it, saying, "I can see Blake in my life forever—and his family in my life forever." They make out HARD by the car and I gotta say, maybe the Bachelorette producers are messing with me, but Becca and Blake seem to have a closer connection than the others.
Finally, it's Colton's turn and he greets Becca in his hometown of Parker, CO. It's sunny and warm and Becca rocks tight jeans, a red sweater while Colton looks NIIIIIICE in a leather jacket, dark pants, and boots.
They shop for gifts for kiddos that they will be visiting in the Cystic Fibrosis wing of the local hospital, which is a date made to melt your damn heart.
That night, Becca meets the family which is a BIG DEAL to Colton (much like his virginity and hey, you do you, my dude, but most of us threw our virginities down a garbage disposal in high school). Colton's family is his dad (who looks like an older brother and kinda acts that way, too) and his mom (who looks like a big sis and seems SUPER sweet), 3 brothers, a sister, nieces and nephews, and Garrett's entire family (JK on that last part but seriously, that McMansion felt like a clown car of relatives). Colton fills his parents in on how much he has revealed to Becca, which is everything (Tia history, virginity, his minimal previous dating experience). Colton is very smiley and confident and he tells Becca that he knows he's in love with her and he's really happy about it.
After all 4 hometown dates, Becca heads back to Los Angeles to convene with her GIRLZ over MIMOSAS. Becca fills in Caroline, Tia, weird dead animal girl, Sienne, and Baby Rizzo aka Bekah about her 4 remaining suitors. The last name Becca mentions is Colton, which makes Tia's face fall but she attempts a poker face before she literally PUTS UP HER HAND and asks Becca if they can talk 1:1 outside. Yikes.
Tia tells Becca that hearing about Colton makes her feel sick to her stomach, that she still has feelings for Colton (MONTHS after their one-time MAKE OUT?), and that it's really upsetting to her to know that Becca got to meet his family. Oh girl. OK, none of this is OK. I get it, Tia, you are feeling upset and rejected and believe me I know that it is HARD to watch your FRIEND date/make progress with a guy you like. I have BEEN THERE. Trust me. Years back I really liked this comedy guy and we hooked up a bunch of times and then a comedian "friend" of mine went after him and they dated and it was SOOO frigging painful. I get it. But also, Tia girl, you only MADE OUT with Colton. One weekend. You have NO real right to do ANY of what you are doing right now. I'm sure it's upsetting to know that Becca met his camp counselor-like parents. But this—YOUR part in this—is NOT OK. As all my friends know, I feel that SO many issues in life are caused by boundaries (or, really, a lack of boundaries) and this is an example. I'm sorry but Becca is down to FOUR GUYS. Your thoughts are too late, they are ONLY hurtful and toxic at this point, and it's 100% unfair to Becca. Tia says that she "had to be honest" and "couldn't leave without you knowing that" but those aren't true. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. It's brutally painful, but sometimes you gotta just accept that a guy doesn't like you and MOVE ON. As my sister Laurel taught me, closure is a gift you give yourself.
OK, enough of my theories on appropriate friend behavior—we've got a rose ceremony to get to!
Becca looks GORGEOUS in a black ball gown with a plunging neckline, funky collar-ish thing, and MAJOR slit up the side. The guys arrive 1 by 1 and talk to papa Chris Harrison, with Colton, specifically, asking Chris about the fantasy suite. Chris answers that sex is NOT required, which seems pretty damn obvious, but I guess that being a virgin in the fantasy suite is probably like being a 19 year old with a fake ID in a bar—you just assume that somehow, things are really official and you might end up in over your head.
Becca hands out roses to:
-Blake: rocking an all black suit with red bow tie which is an absolutely BIZARRE look.
-Jason: wearing a dark blue suit, light blue shirt, and no tie which is, AS USUAL, MUCH TOO CASUAL FOR A ROSE CEREMONY (especially this late in the game)
-Garrett: done up in a black-on-black suit which is HOTTTTTT and like, a real man's version of Blake's strange outfit.
So America's Next Top Virgin, Colton, is heading back to Colorado to wear a unicorn horn alone. Becca's voiceover insists that it's not about Tia, but I think it's at least a little bit about Tia. And about him being so young and inexperienced, I'm sure. After a certain age, virginity is like an albatross.
Becca walks him out and says that she hates doing this to him, she feels terrible. Colton is a bit weepy and says that he just wants the opportunity to fall in love (Colton for next Bachelor?), be happy (I get that), and not feel broken (aww man—just toss that dang virginity into a ravine like the rest of us).
Becca leaves him with the best line of the season, "it's just not there, as much as I want it to be there." Amen, girl.
Next up, Becca and the Trio of Bois are heading to THAILAND!!! Based on the shot of her crying and an earlier shot of her with Jason at dinner, I'm guessing she sends Jason home next week. Did you notice that? What do you think?
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