On Monday’s episode of The Worst Bachelor in The History of
the Franchise And Yeah, That Even Includes Out-of-Touch Narcissist Juan Pablo
or, as ABC is encouraging us to call it, The Bachelor, Schlubby Arie and the
remaining 7 ladies were in Tuscany, Italy for a week of romantic dates just
before HOMETOWNS.
Chris Harrison greets the ladies in a beautiful Italian piazza that Lauren B. would describe as looking "very Italian," and tells them what the week has in store: 3 1-on-1 dates and a group date
with roses up for grabs on all dates, no rose ceremony, then hometowns next
week.
The ladies say what they say every week, “the pressure IS ON”
this week.
Jacqueline is in full neurotic New Yorker mode, saying that she’s
“on this weird precipice—but am I just falling in love with falling in love?” and
I can’t decide if she sounds like Woody Allen or Carrie Bradshaw, but let’s go
with Carrie for now.
 |
| Am I just falling in love with being in love or do I TRULY love a pasty schlub who lives in goddamn Scottsdale and wears bronzer to hide his disgusting, sallow complexion? |
The first date card is for Becca K. and it has a reference to
the “Under the Tuscan Sun,” as legally mandated by that book’s publisher and
the Italian government. Becca gets
dressed up in a white, flowy dress that’s off the shoulders (this season was
ALL about that sorta peasant blouse style that makes you appear to be
practically naked) and features a cool pattern, plus tan flats. Arie pulls up
in a killer, red convertible but dressed DOWN (as ever) in a light blue button
down, greyish drab pants, and Chuck Taylors. I LOVE Chuck Taylors but goodness
gracious all of Arie’s clothing appears sun bleached and old. Is this the Hipster Bachelor or some
shit?
 |
| Actual photo of Arie's wardrobe |
They drive in a convertible to
Becca laments that she lacks a kerchief to keep her hair from tangling (I KNOW,
GIRL!) then they arrive at Barga where they buy bread, cheese, and meat for a
picnic.
A few bottles of wine and some long stemmed wine glasses
appear, as if by magic, and Becca and Arie talk about confidence, their interest
in one another, and then cuddle on a stone wall during magic hour. They cap it off by making out HARD against a
wall (and dude—is that Arie’s MOVE? He seems to love a wall make-out and I can
dig it, but what an odd move).
That night, as Jacqline is swimming in a sea of “swirling
doubts” at the hotel, Arie and Becca are talking about him potentially meeting
her family, which is, to be honest, a conversation that most couples on this
show would have had WEEKS AGO.
Quick aside:
I’m a longtime member of Bachelor Nation and, as
embarrassing as this is to admit, I’m
intimately familiar with what types of things the couples discuss at
each stage of the game. Just before
hometowns, most couples are MUCH farther along than Arie and ANY of this ladies
are. I mean, he’s just now learning a bit about their families!?!?!! That doesn’t
necessarily come earlier, but often it does, at least for ONE front runner. This whole season is so bizarre because there
has never been a super clear front runner (beyond Bekah who I think we all knew
wouldn’t be in his final two)—at first it seemed to be Chelsea, then maybe
Krystal, and now it’s just sorta equally possibly Tia or Kendall or Becca, I
guess? This is all a byproduct of Arie’s
lack of depth---the couples don’t have any cutesy inside jokes, the dates EVEN
THIS LATE IN THE GAME, feel like 1st or 2nd week dates—Arie just
doesn’t know much about these women, nor do they know much about him. Which is why so many of the pre-Hometown
conversations this episode felt SO forced and also why Arie has NEVER pulled a
woman aside to dump her 1:1. In previous
seasons, people do that ALL THE TIME because they have such a connection to the
person and don’t want to put the person through a rose ceremony. But not Arie!
He has almost ZERO connection to ANY of these women, so he is BY THE BOOK with
these rejections. Ouch.
OK but back to the action and now we gotta make this fast because this week turned into a SPRINT with an upcoming project plus work plus shows every night. OK, we're going to whip through the rest, sorry, Bach heads:
-at the end of Becca and Arie's date, he throws her a rose which means that the Pasty Snooze Bachelor is heading to Minneapolis to meet her family who will no doubt be horrified!
-when Becca and Arie return from their date, Jacqueline goes to talk to him 1:1 about her doubts. Arie seems shocked which makes me wonder if he has looked in a mirror recently. As my sweet pal Mara Herron used to advise me when I was dating a parade of heavyset, long-haired mountain men who looked like they just escaped from a witch's basement where they were unable to shave or shower:
Look at fucking HIM and look at fucking YOU.
-Anyway, Jacqueline decides to bounce because she's just not feeling 100% secure with things. Smart girl.
-As she departs, Jacqueline says, "I do feel like I kind of suck at being happy" and oh girl I GET IT.
-The next day Pasty Snooze Arie and Tan Snooze Lauren cruise around Luca on bicycles. Arie throws out the classic dweebus Arie line as they eat pizza in a piazza, "pizza in Italy--CHECK!" Gosh when ARIE is the one serving up conversation and observations, you're in trouble. Lauren smiles and describes their surroundings as "so Italian." Lauren admits that she's scared about making herself vulnerable since her fiancee dumped her a year ago and I ALSO get that. But that doesn't make up for her lack of personality. Hell, I'm TERRIFIED of relationships and men and real vulnerability but I can chat with a wall! It's called PERSONALITY--try to get one!
-That night Lauren finally says to Arie that she's falling in love with him and he responds by WALKING AWAY (huuuuuuhhhhh?) and leaving Lauren sitting alone at the table, likely thinking that she is being dumped, then he returns and gives her the rose. Dude, what was that disappearance about? When she asks Lauren if she will accept this rose, Lauren responds by saying, "absa-friggin'-lutley" and WOW is their a glimmer of a personality in there?!?!??!
-Sienne and Arie finally have a 1:1 and, as usual, Arie is dressed in an outfit that can best be described as "overslept and had to throw on whatever was nearby and then RACE to the airport" and Sienne looks smoking hot--hair down, shell toe Adidas; black, snug jeans; white, filmy blouse; black leather jacket. They spend the day with a sweet Italian family and the date is WONDERFUL, Arie is SUPER touchy-feely with Sienne, so you know how this is going to end--he sends her home. GODDAMIT!! But isn't that always the way? Every time a guy has been SUPER engaged with me or touchy-feely too soon, he's been an indicator that he's about to drop me. EVERY TIME. Sienna, you were too good for him anyway.
-The next day is a 3-on-1 date at a gorgeous French chateau and the crew is Arie (do we need to even address his awful clothes?), Tia (black jeans, maroon blouse), Kendall (black crop top LOVE IT and floral skirt), and Bekah (chambray top, denim skirt like a female Canadian tuxedo).
-Kendall opens up to him despite how uber-rational she is (which is an interesting combo and I gotta say, Kendall has really grown on me).
-Tia and Arie definitely have a connection but she spends her alone time with him saying that Bekah isn't ready for marriage, which is true, but Tia girl--no need to throw yourself into that mess.
-Bekah and Arie have a chat and Arie talks to her like he's the cool, new camp counselor and she's his camper. Bekah asks him to have a little faith but you can really tell that she's mostly sad that their whirlwind travel journey will be ending soon.
-Arie gives Kendall the rose, so she gets to leave (sweet prize!) and he will definitely be meeting her family in Ukulele/Taxidermy land.
-So now it's a 2:1 between Tia and Bekah at night and Tia looks gorgeous in a black, low but dress; Bekah looks like she's on a Carribean vacation which is an odd choice because you can tell that the weather is FREEZING. Meanwhile, Arie is in a suit but instead of a button-down shirt, he's wearing a goddamn T-shirt like a frigging pauper. Dude, you're killing me.
-Arie gives Tia the rose so they are Arkansas-bound, baby!
-Arie walks Bekah out and they don't even stop at the little bench. Bekah quickly says, "it's OK. It will end well for you--I know it will" and hops in a car where she WEEPS. You can tell she's just crying from shock, really. Well, shock and sadness that her free vacation is over. So long, Baby Rizzo. We hardly knew you--truly, because Arie is unskilled at getting to know people.
So tonight is the legendary episode of HOMETOWNS and it looks like Arie is going to face some TOUGH FAMILIES who don't like him. I assume he's used to that.
-at the end of Becca and Arie's date, he throws her a rose which means that the Pasty Snooze Bachelor is heading to Minneapolis to meet her family who will no doubt be horrified!
-when Becca and Arie return from their date, Jacqueline goes to talk to him 1:1 about her doubts. Arie seems shocked which makes me wonder if he has looked in a mirror recently. As my sweet pal Mara Herron used to advise me when I was dating a parade of heavyset, long-haired mountain men who looked like they just escaped from a witch's basement where they were unable to shave or shower:
Look at fucking HIM and look at fucking YOU.
-Anyway, Jacqueline decides to bounce because she's just not feeling 100% secure with things. Smart girl.
-As she departs, Jacqueline says, "I do feel like I kind of suck at being happy" and oh girl I GET IT.
-The next day Pasty Snooze Arie and Tan Snooze Lauren cruise around Luca on bicycles. Arie throws out the classic dweebus Arie line as they eat pizza in a piazza, "pizza in Italy--CHECK!" Gosh when ARIE is the one serving up conversation and observations, you're in trouble. Lauren smiles and describes their surroundings as "so Italian." Lauren admits that she's scared about making herself vulnerable since her fiancee dumped her a year ago and I ALSO get that. But that doesn't make up for her lack of personality. Hell, I'm TERRIFIED of relationships and men and real vulnerability but I can chat with a wall! It's called PERSONALITY--try to get one!
-That night Lauren finally says to Arie that she's falling in love with him and he responds by WALKING AWAY (huuuuuuhhhhh?) and leaving Lauren sitting alone at the table, likely thinking that she is being dumped, then he returns and gives her the rose. Dude, what was that disappearance about? When she asks Lauren if she will accept this rose, Lauren responds by saying, "absa-friggin'-lutley" and WOW is their a glimmer of a personality in there?!?!??!
-Sienne and Arie finally have a 1:1 and, as usual, Arie is dressed in an outfit that can best be described as "overslept and had to throw on whatever was nearby and then RACE to the airport" and Sienne looks smoking hot--hair down, shell toe Adidas; black, snug jeans; white, filmy blouse; black leather jacket. They spend the day with a sweet Italian family and the date is WONDERFUL, Arie is SUPER touchy-feely with Sienne, so you know how this is going to end--he sends her home. GODDAMIT!! But isn't that always the way? Every time a guy has been SUPER engaged with me or touchy-feely too soon, he's been an indicator that he's about to drop me. EVERY TIME. Sienna, you were too good for him anyway.
-The next day is a 3-on-1 date at a gorgeous French chateau and the crew is Arie (do we need to even address his awful clothes?), Tia (black jeans, maroon blouse), Kendall (black crop top LOVE IT and floral skirt), and Bekah (chambray top, denim skirt like a female Canadian tuxedo).
-Kendall opens up to him despite how uber-rational she is (which is an interesting combo and I gotta say, Kendall has really grown on me).
-Tia and Arie definitely have a connection but she spends her alone time with him saying that Bekah isn't ready for marriage, which is true, but Tia girl--no need to throw yourself into that mess.
-Bekah and Arie have a chat and Arie talks to her like he's the cool, new camp counselor and she's his camper. Bekah asks him to have a little faith but you can really tell that she's mostly sad that their whirlwind travel journey will be ending soon.
-Arie gives Kendall the rose, so she gets to leave (sweet prize!) and he will definitely be meeting her family in Ukulele/Taxidermy land.
-So now it's a 2:1 between Tia and Bekah at night and Tia looks gorgeous in a black, low but dress; Bekah looks like she's on a Carribean vacation which is an odd choice because you can tell that the weather is FREEZING. Meanwhile, Arie is in a suit but instead of a button-down shirt, he's wearing a goddamn T-shirt like a frigging pauper. Dude, you're killing me.
-Arie gives Tia the rose so they are Arkansas-bound, baby!
-Arie walks Bekah out and they don't even stop at the little bench. Bekah quickly says, "it's OK. It will end well for you--I know it will" and hops in a car where she WEEPS. You can tell she's just crying from shock, really. Well, shock and sadness that her free vacation is over. So long, Baby Rizzo. We hardly knew you--truly, because Arie is unskilled at getting to know people.
So tonight is the legendary episode of HOMETOWNS and it looks like Arie is going to face some TOUGH FAMILIES who don't like him. I assume he's used to that.
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