LOVEBUGS!
This recap is extremely late because I have been on vacation
(in Milwaukee and Chicago) so I watched Monday night’s episode on Tuesday (in
my hotel room on Hulu, like a futuristic humanoid from the future) and jotted
some bullet points, but I’m writing this out while I wait for my flight out of
O’Hare because I got here 3 hours early like a complete psychopath. NOT THE POINT, SELENA.
We have MUCH to discuss and let’s start with the crucial
issues—NO ONE WAS SENT HOME ON MONDAY!! CLIFFHANGER!! WTF??? LIFE IS CRAZY! THE
BACHELORETTE DOES WHAT THE BACHELORETTE WANTS!!! JOJO BEING JOJO!!
But seriously, no elimination—what is this, every other
non-competitive reality TV show? COME
ON! I didn’t get into this racket to feel warm & fuzzy and watch a Full House
rerun. I want TEARS out of the eyes of BABES (and by babes, I mean HOTTIES who
will go on to such gigs as Guest DJ at failing Vegas nightclubs).
But let’s start at the beginning. Monday night was the night of hometown dates
and a reminder that anyone who goes on the show is required to have parents who
still live in their childhood home and that childhood home MUST be a McMansion
that West Elm threw up in.
Jojo’s first stop was Highlands Ranch, Colorado where Chase
and his SHATTERED family live. Jojo
meets Chase’s estranged father and Pops basically admits that he wasn’t there
for Chase and his sister, but now he’s remarried and doing it right THIS TIME.
I’m sure Chase is glad that SOMEONE is being fathered (only kidding—Chase seems
forever hurt by his absentee father’s actions, but whatevzzzz). In a 1:1 conversation, Absentee Daddy asks
Chase if this is what he expected and Chase’s response is, “no…. but look where
I am!” Huh? Chase seems to get his flat affect from his dad.
That evening Jojo and Chase have dinner with his mother,
stepfather, sister, sister’s husband & their baby. Throughout this visit,
Chase’s family makes it sound like children who were raised in a divorced home
are absolutely RUINED and damaged goods, which obviously isn’t true. My random thoughts: Chase looks NOTHING like
his sister, Chase’s mom is great at collecting data (“Jojo loves dogs, hates
fish, and has a great laugh”), and the language they use about Chase
potentially marrying Jojo is bizarrely vague (“I think that my wife is here
tonight”). Just before her car pulls away, Chase tells Jojo that he thinks he’s
falling in love with her.
Chico, CA is the next stop, where Jojo meets Jordan’s
“family” (MINUS THAT ONE GUY—COUGH COUGH—RYMES WITH TEARIN’) and EVERY staff
member of his former high school.
 |
| Teenage Jordan (with me and Heidi in the reflection) |
Jordan talks a LOT about Jordan, they roam the hallways and
make out HARD in the library, then head to the Rodgers estate (complete with
fountain!) for family dinner.
Jojo meets Jordan’s parents Ed and Darla (who seem lovely,
but wow his mom speaks in a whisper and his dad interestingly says very little
except for “fame can change you”), Jordan’s older brother Luke, and Luke’s
girlfriend whose hair is a goddamn sideswept cascade of blonde dreams!
 |
| She is a blonde dream and Luke is definitely punching above his weight. |
They have a standard family visit and as she’s departing,
Jojo reveals to Jordan that she’s afraid he will change his mind, which is a
worrisome thing to think of a potential mate.
Time will tell!
From there, Jojo heads to St. Augustine, Florida where
Robby’s giant family lives and Robby greets Jojo in a white T-shirt and coral
button down shirt with only a single button buttoned. WTF is this about? Did
that hometown visit take place in 1992? Seriously Robby, get it together. My
friend Heidi (who I was vacationing with and who was watching along with me at
Public Chicago, a fantastic hotel despite a leaky sink) and I were HATING ON
Robby hard and honestly, this guy is just bad news. He has NO redeeming
qualities and, as I have mentioned previously, always looks like his skin will
be hot to the touch from a sunburn. Over drinks on the water, Jojo asks Robby
if he’s TRULY over his last relationship and he trots out empty platitude after
empty platitude, claiming that he hasn’t thought about it at all (not hard to do
when you’re thrown into a completely foreign lifestyle for months) and that
Jojo is everything. As they approach his parents McMansion, Robby proclaims
that “emotions are going to be flying” which makes zero sense, but I would
expect nothing else from a guy who buttons the bottom button of his damn shirt.
Jojo meets Robby’s mom, dad (COACH A!!!!), 2 brothers, and 2
sisters and they all seem great, which is surprising when contrasted with
him. Robby tells his brothers that he
hasn’t slept a wink and has had MANY panic attacks, which I absolutely don’t
believe. Then Robby’s mother pulls him aside to warn him that his ex-girlfriend’s
roommate (ALEX!) has been telling people (tabloids, so, LOTS of people) that
Robby dumped his ex to come on the show and Robby is stunned and upset, which
was fun to watch since we’ve all been reading these tabloid rumors the whole
time! US Weekly is my Bible! Stars ARE
just like us! The remainder of the conversation plays out like a convo between
2 people who are VERY aware that they are being taped and this will definitely
end up in the Hometown episode. Robby
runs from chatting with his mother and disrupts Jojo’s hang time with the 2
sisters (ladies love WINE!) to talk to her about these “false accusations.”
Robby resembles an overcooked ham as he assures Jojo that his relationship with
Hope was dead in the water LONG before it ended (aha so you’re bad at
communicating AND confrontation—good to know!), ending his explanation with “we
had a blow up fight and she slapped me.” By how he said that sentence, you could
tell that he was expecting “The Slap” to be a BOMBSHELL, but it wasn’t. HA!
Sorry, Tanny McTannersteen! Jojo don’t
care! It begins raining outside
(OMINOUS) as Robby and Jojo say their goodbyes and then Robby dramatically
throws down his umbrella and stands in the rain (still wearing that damn single
buttoned button down).
Jojo heads to Burnet, Texas for her hometown date with Luke
and it played out like a Americana dream sequence—family and friends eating BBQ
in a field, Luke arriving with his beloved via lifted Chevy extended cab (I’m a
SUCKER for a lifted truck), and old men getting choked up at the thought of
their son’s military service to the USA.
Jojo jumps right in and seems to impress everyone and jive with Luke.
All snark aside, the emotional moment between Luke and his father got both me
and my pal Heidi choked up and was probably one of the most authentic,
vulnerable vignettes that we’ve ever seen on the show.
After the family time, Luke whisks Jojo away so that they
can make out on a couch made of hay and then walk down a candlelit path to a
heart made of flower petals as the country music swells—it was MAXIMUM BACH and
I loved every moment. But remember when
Tiny Hero (Alex) got all mushy with Jojo and she sent him packing? That may explain what happened later, as the
country home sequence was LOVELY and Luke is SO wonderful, but perhaps it was a
bit too much for Jojo? Luke tells Jojo, “my
heart is yours and out there for you” before she leaves.
The rose ceremony takes place in an airplane hangar and Jojo’s
dress is FIERCE. She looks like a gorgeous seal and I AM LOVING IT! Readers,
how hard did that dress rule? Royal blue, slippery when wet material, low cut
chest, slinky as hell—damn perfect. We
watch the boys arrive and in a move that Chris Harrison might call “unprecedented,”
we immediately hear a voice over of Jojo saying that she plans to send Luke
home. That comment made Heidi and I
SHRIEK out loud (and probably scare the people in the hotel room next to us).
Luke RULES! He’s the tops! Girl, he worships you, he has a sick body, he has an
edge, AND he lives in Texas—snap him up, Jojo!
And then, as if warned by a producer (probsies), Luke asks Jojo if he
can talk to her and he pulls her outside to say, “I’m in love with you” which
is apparently JUST what she needed to hear. That feels like semantics to me
because “my heart is out there for you” is the same damn thing, but I’m not the
one trying to eliminate hot bodied boyz from my life.
Luke walks back into the hangar and Jojo has a meltdown
outside, then we’re told that next week we’ll have a full episode Monday (and,
presumably, TWO eliminations) then The Men Tell All on Tuesday (because they
always do Men Tell All when they’re down to 2 remaining people).
My recaps will be on time next week, I promise! But also, did you YELL at the thought of her
sending Luke home!?!!
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