Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 10: The Women Tell All

Monday night Chris Harrison wore many hats: cheerleading squad for Jubilee and Lace, mediator in a few tense conversations, and shameless journalist who is itching for an ugly cry. It was the episode that promises closure, but in reality probably opens up a world of hurt feelings and unresolved issues: THE WOMEN TELL ALL.

The episode kicked off with clips of Bachelor Ben and Bachelor Nation President Chris crashing Bachelor viewing parties and these fans are the real thing.  There were #hometown onesies, fantasy league scoreboards, decorated cakes, grandmothers, and—of course—roses.  Chris Harrison was feeling the love, saying that the fans are “like fuel” and they “blow up your world.”  Wait, is that what Lace’s tattoo says? I can’t quite remember.

Actual photo of Bachelor fans 
Then it’s time for the good part: when a dozen relevant cast-offs get DONE UP and look better than they have ever looked because they know this is their last moment in the limelight. Though a few of the ladies’ ideas of “super dolled up” weren’t so appealing to me and yes, I’m talking to you, Olivia. Who was there?

-Lace: Oh sweet, simple, inspirational tattooed Lace. She has some good highlights and a cute, white dress.
-Tiara: The girl who brought the chicken. You’re tiresome and you haven’t even said 3 words, but I like your big hair and white separates.
-Amber: Looking good, though I still think she’s bad news after she went after Jubilee. She’s rocking a bold lip, bright eye make-up and cleavage out.
-Jami: Her twin (not really, but kinda) in a yellow dress, tits out.
-Izzy: Who? Who cares.
-Rachel: Who? Is there an own here or just an assortment of blah brunettes who failed to make any sort of impression?
-Jubilee: Looking good in a blush, flowing gown and red lip.
-Shushanna: The Russian whose curls and highlights are absolute perfection.
-Lauren H.: Sure, she has good hair (still), but she also has a grating accent a mild case of racism/classism methinks.
-Olivia: WHO IS YOUR STYLIST? She’s rocking flat, blah hair with an odd bend in it, raccoon eyes, a bare lip (NO NO NO), and a bland white jumper. No thank you!
-Leah: DO YOU HAVE THE SAME STYLIST? Ladies, your shared stylist is trying to ruin you both! Leah is rocking a brown lip (I loved Melrose Place, too, girl, but come on), maybe lip injections on the top lip (anyone?), and a blah tan dress.
-Becca: She may have half shut eyes that remind me of Janice from the Muppet Band, but we share a love of sparkles and the color gunmetal, so I love her.
-Haley and Emily: The Vegas twins looks like Vegas twins.
-Amanda: Mama is looking good in a red, lace dress despite her cold.
-Caila: She has looked better and I wish she’d worn a brighter lip, but her black jumper is cute.

They kick things off with a montage of all the terrible things that they did and that were said about them as if to say, “Ladies, are you going to let her disrespect you like that?” and get the talons out.

Hi, I'm another pretty but forgettable brunette. Don't you remember me? 

Leah defends her bizarre anti-Lauren move saying that she heard that Lauren said a comment that the girls were “losers” for being upset about something or other (really detailed, reliable story there, Leah—I totally believe that that happened) and then insist that she didn’t “intentionally lie, though” despite the fact that there’s a videotape of her intentionally lying (though). 

The conversation is repeatedly disrupted by that stupid chicken, which some people found funny and odd, but I just found hella tiresome.  Then again, I’m a disgruntled old man who wants everyone to get off my lawn trapped in the body of a smoking hot fox, so I find everything tiresome. 

Jubilee (who is black, or as she says “full black”) has a tense stand off with Amber and Jami (who are both biracial) when they say that her repeated comments about being “real black” and “full black” were offensive to them and Shushanna backs them up by saying she heard it, too. The conversation continues after the break with Jubilee sitting down with Chris Harrison (after Leah chimes in to “get over it” and GIRL I wish you’d just shut up—I used to support you before you turned into a nightmare).

Jubilee and Chris have a touching conversation (and I mean that truly) about her heartbreaking family history and the trauma she has endured.  She says that she’s complicated and that she overthinks things to the point of self destruction and it certainly seems that she does, but hey Jubes, just as they say in GI Joe (which is a poor imitation of actual military people like you), knowing is half the battle.  I nearly got choked up when Chris Harrison ended her segment saying, “you might be complicated, but I hope you realize you’re a pretty special woman.” Oh Chris, may you lead Bachelor Nation until the end of time!

Lace hops in the hot seat and says that she’s working on herself more, trying to avoid the word “crazy,” and listen to people.  Good calls all around. As she’s talking, a random guy (seemingly from the crew) interrupts Lace in a moment straight out of an unrealistic romantic comedy that we were all force fed during our adolescence and gave us completely unrealistic expectations of what dating and romance would be like as adults and shouts that that she’s crazy… crazy beautiful, then he pulls up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of her face on his torso. 

Check that Lace tat!

It’s during this crucial juncture that Chris Harrison informs Bachelor Nation that this summer, Bachelor In Paradise will be back!  Huzzah! Apparently Lace will be the token kookoo bird and I just pray that sweetheart bartender comes back!

Olivia and her unflattering hairdo get in the hot seat and says that the show was hard to watch because she didn’t realize quite how much everyone hated her and she felt that no one quite “got” her.  Olivia claims that she “owns up” to the thinks she did wrong and that “we all did things we regret” which makes a bunch of the ladies laugh out loud.

ASIDE: I hate it when people say stuff like that—comments that assume that, hey, everyone is an unadulterated, selfish, horrifying sociopath at certain points, right? NO. Not everyone is. I remember back during my college sorority days, some girls would hook up with another girl’s ex-BF or current crush and say, “hey, we all do it—our sorority is so big—it’s just bound to happen.” No it’s not. YOU CHOOSE YOUR CHOICES. I somehow NEVER hooked up with a friend’s crush or ex-BF, so we don’t just ALL DO IT, OK? And same with Olivia—I doubt that many of the other women (save for Lace and Jubilee, maybe) did or said things they regret.  Most of the women there conducted themselves well and didn’t bring shame upon their families, so don’t generalize to serve your own ego.


Olivia apologizes to Amanda for calling her “Teen Mom” and saying that men should run away from single mothers (yikes) then previously boring Jennifer says that Olivia acted like the women in the house were airheads, but if she had gotten to know them or asked them questions she would have learned that they also like to “talk smart things.”  Olivia’s closing Hail Mary pass is that she was severely bullied as a child and that the house dynamics brought her back to those sad times and made it hard for her to socialize. I have a lot of sympathy for that, truly, but I’m not sure if I believe her.  Random drop-in Izzy makes a cogent point, saying that if Olivia HAS been through “the bullying thing” (there are better ways to phrase that, girl), then you should have learned and perhaps had more sympathy for her bunkmates. 

Olivia says that she doesn’t look at social media anymore because it’s so hurtful and prompts a really interesting conversation that breaks the fourth wall of “reality TV.” She apologies profusely, says that there’s no way of knowing how to do this, and she didn’t do it right but she learned. Way to go, girl.  Now if I may make a recommendation: big hair is much more flatting on you, Olivia. Go now in peace.

Then Caila gets to watch herself get dumped in front of a studio audience while wearing a very plain lipcolor.  She watches clips of Ben calling her a “sex panther” (and members of the studio audience are wearing homemade “SEX PANTHER” shirts) and them sitting on that bench in her hometown (that you KNOW will come up in her season as The Bachelorette—oh yes, did you hear the news? I’m NOT excited, but I will probably watch because this is an addiction and I surrender control).  She’s still blue over the breakup but after watching Ben and Jojo and Ben and Lauren, she sees how he looks at them and she wants THAT (which is a perfect sound bite to launch her journey to find love as The Bachelorette, aint it?).

Finally, Ben comes out and speaks with a few of the ladies to answer their questions and give them “closure,” but a few of those conversations seemed like that bad move you make when you and your ex agree to meet for drinks a few months after the breakup “for closure” or “to catch up” but you both know damn well it’s just so that you can look good in front of him and be like, “LIFE IS GOOD! Everthing’s coming up roses! But maybe we should make out in the coat room—wouldn’t that be funny and fun? Just for old time’s sake? What, no? You don’t want to do that? OK that’s fine. I’m doing great, so I don’t need your validation at all—am I drunk? No I’m not DRUNK, Jared. I’m FINE. I just wanted to meet up with you and catch up because I care about you, but I’m completely MOVING ON—can’t you tell by these new heels I’m wearing and this slimming dress that’s sort of similar to your favorite dress of mine but even TIGHTER? Hahah! I’m great!  All is well! WHY DID YOU FUCKING DUMP ME?”

ABC serves up some delicious Bachelor bloopers, Chris Harrison says that Ben belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Bachelor Nation history, and we watch a finale sneak peak in which Ben’s mom says that she’s “disturbed” that he’s in love with two women.

Next Monday is the 3 hour live event and I’m placing my bets now: Ben will propose to Lauren and Jojo’s brothers will be out for blood. What do you think? Who's going home broken hearted?

ALSO, if you want to hear me and my wonderful neighbor/fellow comedian Dava Krauss chat about this episode (and every episode) subscribe to our podcast, The Fantasty Suite here.

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