Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

Ames, is that a silk shirt?

Last night we watched as Ashley and her harem of boys returned from the Orient to embark on a whirlwind week of hometown dates. It was quite a thrill-ride, featuring one dollar bills being thrown at Ashley, cheesy jokes (literally with shredded cheese), the sweet sounds of REO Speedwagon, and of course, tears.

Ashley’s first hometown visit was Constantine in Cummings, GA. Who knew that they grew ‘em THAT Greek in Georgia? Constantine’s SUPER GREEK family owns an Italian restaurant, which is staffed by comely young ladies who freelance as peeping Toms. Dinner at Constantine’s family’s McMansion was jovial, then the party turned up to 11 when the entire extended family showed up. Like a scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” cousins, aunts, nieces, and nephews came bounding into the house and began dancing and drinking. The family was rowdy, fun, and emotional, which was in stark contrast with Ashley’s next visit to meet Ames’s family.

Ames hails from Chadds Ford, PA and must be a WASP. He’s never said outright, “I’m a white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant,” but a few clues give it away: (1) He went to boarding school for high school; (2) After that, Ivy League education; (3) his mother AND sister were both wearing white pants and tasteful, minimal jewelry; (4) his family is perfectly nice, but not very emotional. They struck me as very reasonable and logical, which is the centerpiece of WASP life. Ashley gets along with his family very well, but mentions that she doesn’t feel a spark of passion with Ames. Ames takes her for a sweet picnic beneath a magnolia tree, where he talks about an Italian phrase that means being romantic in everyday life. Ames, your knowledge of romance languages is impressive, but it’s not HOT. It’s not “random make-out after a long night of drunken flirting” HOT. It’s not “attend a Red Sox/Yankees game at Yankee Stadium and end up seated next to a cute stranger with a sick Boston accent who you then invite to your birthday party that night, where you flirt like crazy” HOT. It’s not “start reading this dude’s hilarious blog, then meet him in real life and hit it off, but he has a GF, but then he breaks up with his GF and shows up at one of your standup shows” HOT. There’s just no spark between Ashley and Ames, sadly.

Ashley then jets off to Sonoma, CA to see Ben and meet his mother and sister. Ben repeatedly threw out some painfully bad grammar errors, talking about, “Ashley and I’s relationship” while I tried to stop myself from throwing a hammer at my television. People—it’s not “Ashley and I’s” it’s frigging “Ashley’s and my relationship”—how hard is this!? Or better yet, just say “My relationship with Ashley blah blah blah.” Rant over. The visit goes well overall, but I feel like Ben’s tears about his late father were exploited by the producers of The Bachelorette. Somehow, I expected more from them. I know, I know—when will I learn?

The final stop is Long Island, New York (more specifically, Roslyn, NY) where Ashley meets JP’s family. But before they eat dinner at his boyhood home, Ashley and JP skate a few laps around a roller rink to REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” while a disco ball spins overhead. Nothing says “Hot Passion” quite like the birthday party activities of our awkward and ugly adolescent years, right? Ashley has a great chat with JP’s mother and they hold hands at one point. Weird.

Then we’re back in the bachelor mansion in Los Angeles and Ashley’s wearing a see-through black mini-dress. The boys are assembled in dark suits, except for Ames, who is wearing a tan suit. That “one of these things is not like the other” tan suit portends heartbreak for sweet WASP Ames.

What’s the order that Ashley gives out the roses (interrupted only by Chris Harrison, to remind us of the final rose)?

Ben – 1st rose! Congrats! Dude appears to have gotten an ill-advised haircut. Stop listening to your mother!

JP – 2nd rose. Apparently the way to Ashley’s heart involves stops at tween dating meccas. What will their next date be? Cruising the mall?

Constantine – 3rd rose. Both monkey twins made it to the top 3! This is insanity!

Ashley walks Ames out and he handles it well. She doesn’t give much explanation, in fact—Ames ends up doing more of the talking and almost apologizing. Sweet Ames, the tabloids speculate that you’re dating a fellow Bachelor reject, and I hope it’s true. There’s a fellow WASP somewhere out there for you.

Up next, the boys and Ashley head to Fiji, where Ashley’s family gets to meet the harem. Brace yourself for Ashley’s sister—her body is covered in tattoos, and her “advice” to Ashley is covered in judgment. Should make for great television.

1 comment:

  1. I can't believe the producers allow this mockery of men who look somewhat like monkeys by allowing her to have Constantine AND Ben in the final 3. Anyway, your summary is better than the real show.