The Bachelorette: Ep 3

Last night there was so much drama in episode 3 of The Bachelorette, just as there’s so much drama in the LBC (according to Snoop Dogg). Episode 3 did not disappoint in the drama department, as we had a delightful evening of tears, broken hearts, mean jokes, and sweatpants.

The episode kicked off with a 1:1 date for lucky Ben C. He had come off as pretty bland earlier in the season, but now he’s growing on me, somewhat. Last week, he told Ashley how much he likes to dance, so their 1:1 was to learn a dance routine (because apparently her idea of a great date activity is my idea of a slumber party circa 7^th grade activity). I give Ben a lot of credit for completely committing to the dance routine and having fun while learning it. Ashley and Ben then went to a perfectly-manicured park area (that resembled an Epcot Center version of an actual park), where they were part of a flash mob that performed the aforementioned dance. I gotta say, I generally hate flash mobs. I find them corny and lame, with the staying power of a Snuggie (that is, in a few months we’ll all look back and be like, “Wow—remember when people somehow thought flash mobs were cool?”), but somehow Ashley and Ben’s flash mob really struck a chord with me. In fact, it made me cry. Let’s remember that I was doing my usual Bachelorette viewing routine of consuming too much sushi and FAR too much wine. So don’t judge, you heartless imagined readers (who I am abusing, yet I NEED to read my blog—I’m sorry, baby. I’m not trying to be mean.) Post-flash mob, they have a romantic rooftop dinner and Ben explains that he wants an all-consuming marriage in which both partners are insanely obsessed with each other (like a clean-cut Sid & Nancy).

The next date is a group date and the crew is:

-William (cell phone salesguy who claims that he has wanted to be a comedian his entire life, yet has never done anything about it),

-Bentley (cro-magnon man who is determined to give Jesse James a run for his money as the most hated man in America),

-Ames (nice, not much to report with this one),

-Blake (seems like a definite non-idiot, so there’s that),

-Jeff (Mask Guy, soon to be known as “You shouldn’t have taken off your” Mask Guy),

-Nick (rich man’s Chad Kroeger, who is growing on me, much like the melodies of Nickelback),

-Chris D. (seems perfectly nice, but as bland as white rice eaten in Indiana),

-Lucas (cute, nice, benign)

and possibly a few other, forgettable dudes. I never said I was all about the facts, OK?

For this group date, they all head to The Comedy Store where Jeff Ross will be leading them in a roast of Ashley. The guys have a little while to write jokes, then they will be performing for a packed house. Yikes. All of the guys are really anxious, except for William who seems to think that this could be his big break. Yeah, telling a few crummy one-liners in front of a “packed house” of paid extras during a daytime comedy show is your TICKET TO THE TOP! Next you’ll tell me that I have to bring “only” 10 friends who will pay $12/ticket and 2 drinks, and then I can have 5 minutes of stage time and the club’s booker will DEFINITELY be watching! The other guys are non-morons and they play it safe with digs at each other and light jokes about Ashley. Jeff completely eats it because he’s a weird bird, with or without a mask. Then William closes the show and is HARSH on Ashley. Pre-show, he had been advising the other guys that a Roast is an opportunity to skewer the person and the gloves should come off. Can someone please inform William that he’s NOT on a comedy reality TV show, but rather on a dating show, and (presumably) his goal is to get the girl, so perhaps he should think about that before he jokes that all of the guys on the show secretly wish that Emily were the bachelorette. Ashley ends up crying after the show and William is stunned and upset with himself. He speaks with Ashley and literally says, “A roast was such a dumb idea.” No dude, YOU are the dumb one, as YOU took it too far. You got all “Bridge on the River Kwai” with the roast and lost sight of why you’re on this show. Not to build a good bridge and effectively HELP your captors in a Japanese POW camp (that is, not to REALLY hashly roast Ashley), but rather to simply stay alive in said POW camp (to ultimately win her heart, despite these moronic challenges). See that basic parallel there? No? OK, William, how about you go back to peddling cell phones at a mall kiosk and leave the joke-telling to the professionals.

Meanwhile, Bentley has been playing the role of the guy who gives a rats, when he readily admits that he doesn’t like Ashley, he wishes the bachelorette had been Emily, and he’s tired of this whole charade. In the words of a high school crush I once had, Bentley is playing Ashley “like Nintendo.” Ashley asks Bentley if he’s here for the wrong reasons (as she was warned by their mutual friend Michelle Money, who I assume is either a stripper or a Cash 4 Gold peddler). Bentley’s a completely chickenshit, so he denies it, then almost immediately decides he wants to leave. Pulling the old “You can’t fire me, I quit” move. The maneuver of an absolute coward.

So he packs up his things and says goodbye to Ashley, all the while playing the “I miss my daughter” card and being viewed as a noble guy who just had to get home to his baby. EFFFFF YOU. Good riddance. Exploiting your daughter in that way is really creepy and you’re a straight-up sociopath with caveman-like features.

Ashley is heartbroken by Bentley’s departure, but I wish she wouldn’t be. Dude is toxic, and as I’ve said before, she shouldn’t misconstrue his boorish behavior as appealing—it’s manipulative. Sweetheart JP comes over to Ashley’s house that night for a low-key 1:1 date. Ashley breaks out sweatpants and glasses (perhaps as a fast-forward to what a relationship is actually like, down the road) and JP rolls with it perfectly. Sweet guy.

It’s finally cocktail party/rose ceremony time and Ashley’s sparkly dress and necklace are phenomenal. She goes into the framed photo chamber, where Chris Harrison counsels her and gives her some Dr. Phil-style tough love. I know that I give Chris Harrison a lot of shit on this blog, but deep down, I think he’s a delight. And he didn’t disappoint last night, when he reminded Ashley that Bentley LEFT HER and opted out, and if he was into her, he would have stayed. Bless you, Chris Harrison. As I once heard on Oprah or Dr. Phil or somewhere else, “If a person who doesn’t love and respect you walks out of your life, thank that person.” TRUTH!

They skip straight to the rose ceremony, where Ashley doles out the roses and the final rose goes to William “Wakka Wakka Wakka” WhateverTheHellYourLastNameIs. Who is going home from this episode? Well, obviously Bentley already left and Ashley did the “no rose for you” to Jeff and Chris D. Chris D. seemed like a nice guy, but there never seemed to be much spark there. As for Jeff, turns out his mask might have been the most normal thing about him, as he showed himself to be completely odd when it came off. I loved the shot of him throwing his mask into a fire, like his very own little Rosebud sled. Holy craps do you know how bad that mask in a fire would smell? That thing was completely rubber and synthetic! Why don’t you throw some hair into that fire, while you’re cooking up the most awful smell of ALL TIME. Oh also, capture the scent of a homeless guy sleeping on the F train while you’re at it.

Up next, the crew is rolling down to Thailand for a Hangover 2-like Bachelorette! Mike Tyson had BETTER show up on one of their group dates.