The six remaining ladies (Michelle the crazy; Ashley, my sister in A cups; Shawntel the hot mortician; Chantal the good time spitfire; Emily the Barbie mom; and Britt the emaciated food writer), Brad, and a team of producers/date planners move from Costa Rica to Anguilla because NBC will NOT air an episode of “The Bachelor” in which women aren’t in bikinis at some point.
Shawntel gets the first 1:1 date and I gotta say, she’s a rad girl. Brad and Shawntel go for a bike ride, walk around a farmer’s market, and do double-dutch (the real thing, not the dance move that my best friend Suzanne and I do when you’re at a crowded club and we break out imaginary jump rope and get everybody in on that action). That night they eat dinner together and talk about their respective fathers (Shawntel’s is great, Brad’s is MIA). They enjoy a concert by Bankie Banks, the most famous singer in Anguilla (and finalist for the most redundant name of all time), then go swimming. Shawntel is wearing a sequined bikini and exposes a giant tattoo on her lower back. Wow, lady who works with dead bodies has got ink all over the back of her body. I bet her favorite “Clue” character is Mr. Body, right? I bet her favorite line from Olivia Newton John’s “Let’s Get Physical” is, “let me see your body work.” This paragraph is going nowhere.
Emily and Brad are the next 1:1 and what do we got here? Champagne, a helicopter ride to a private island, lunch and presumably some swimming (because they kept cutting to shots of the two with wet hair, then dry hair—way to go on continuity, NBC!), then dinner on the beach. Emily’s unsure if she would want to introduce her daughter to Brad (understandably) and Brad’s a bit pushy. So that they can speak openly, he tells her that he is definitely giving her a rose in the next ceremony. In the words of Chris Harrison, UNPRECEDENTED! Brad’s breakin’ all the rules like a regular Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli (learn your “Happy Days” trivia, people).
Up next, Britt goes on a 1:1 with Brad and they hang out on a yacht. Just your average date. When Britt gets in a bikini, her emaciated frame is almost hard to look at. Seriously—girl is way too thin. They end the date with dinner on the yacht and Brad drops the bomb (or anchor?) that he’s just not feeling it with Britt. She’s then escorted off the yacht, onto a dinky raft with only a motor and a GIANT SPOTLIGHT on her. Poor thing. She goes back to the house to pack and all the other women are positively stunned that Britt is being sent home. Had they not noticed the elimination of every woman before Britt? Thems the breaks, kids.
That night, “The Bachelor” turns into sorority pledging, as the ladies are roused at 2:00 am and taken outside. Will they be blindfolded and driven to Colgate, left there, and told to find a way home!? Will they be dropped in the woods and told to find a way back to campus while carrying a fire extinguisher? Will they be asked to recite the Greek alphabet over and over? No—they’re brought to a makeshift beauty salon where they are done up for a sunrise photo shoot that will appear in the Sports Illustrate Swimsuit Issue. So much better than collegiate sisterhood! NBC keeps it classy as both Ashley and Chantal pose topless (using strategically-placed hands and seashells), then Michelle one-ups them by posing atop Brad. (Topless and atop—see what I did there!? No moronic regurgitation of “top” words would be complete without a tribute to the place that used to be Weston Massachusetts’s most beloved dry cleaner, TIP TOPS!) Where were we!? Oh yes, boobies in primetime and Brad acting like a boob. BOOM! Brad has one rose to give out on this date and he gives it to Ashley, who acts like she’s 11 going on 12.
Let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?
Ashley already has a rose and Brad has three roses to hand out. Britt already got the boot, so only one lady’s going home. First rose goes to Emily. We knew that was coming. Second rose to the hot mortician, Shawntel. Now it’s down to Chantal or Michelle. In the words of Guns ‘n Roses masterwork, My Michelle, “Well well well, you just can’t tell” AM I RIGHT!? Chantal is anxious and convinced that she’s going home. Michelle seems cool as an (insane) cucumber, which makes it even more beautiful when Brad says, “Chantal.” Most bachelors keep the crazy, unlikable one around until the bitter end. Not Brad Womack. Graceless Michelle walks out, refusing to speak to Brad or let him touch her. Then in the car, she refuses to say anything and simply flops down on the seat.
Next week: Hometown Dates!