This is probably TMI, but...

Bach Ben: Hometown Dates

2012-02-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

Last night, shaggy-haired bachelor Ben visited 4 hometowns and ultimately sent one lady packing. How’d it all go down, you ask?

Ben’s first stop was Ocala, Florida, the hometown of Lindzi, the bronzer and flesh-tone lipstick addict. Lindzi was riding a horse when Ben pulled up (OF COURSE SHE WAS), just like when she rolled up to the Bachelor mansion all those weeks back. You like horses, Lindzi. We get it. What we want to know is, do you have any personality traits? No no no—we KNOW that you LOVE horses. Got that part. But is there… anything else? No? Gotcha. Thankfully, Lindzi’s parents are absolutely delightful and I say that with zero snark. Her mom seems lovely and her father is a really sweet, funny, enthusiastic guy. Lindzi and Ben take on Lindzi’s parents in a horse drawn carriage race (standard “meet the parents” activity, no?) and the parents win. After that, they all drink some wine (out of mason jar-style goblets) and chat. Lindzi and Ben explain that they had their first date in San Francisco (and fail to mention that Lindzi was the runner-up pick for that date after Brittney –bad skin, brought grandma on first Bachelor night--opted to leave). They describe their SF date, saying how they went to a Speakeasy and to the City Hall in San Francisco, when Lindzi’s parents both chime in, “That’s where we got married!” Lindzi responds, “REALLY?” Woa—you don’t know where your parents got married? Seriously? Does anyone else find that weird? If I were on a quiz show, and one of the questions was, “Where did your parents get married?” (weird quiz show, I know), within SECONDS I could be like, “Aunt Kate’s backyard in Greenwich, CT--my dad wore a giant, gold tie and my mom wore a straw hat.” I mean, come on. The date seems to go well, and then it’s time for Ben to take the last train to Clarksville. (Yes, that’s a Monkees reference—am I the only one whose favorite Monkee was Micky Dolenz? Just look at that decapitated head!)

Clarksville, Tennessee is home to 24 year old secretary (and Poor Man’s Minka Kelly), Kacie B. To remind Ben of just HOW young she is, she meets him on the local high school football field, where she is twirling a baton and walking among a marching band. Holy statutory rape, Batman! Ben and Kacie B. chat on the bleachers (or is that when I accidentally popped in a DVD of “Friday Night Lights”?) and Kacie informs Ben that her father is a parole officer who doesn’t drink. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL! Ben seems completely freaked out and his “deer in headlights” look persists throughout the day and night. Ben and Kacie eat dinner with her parents and sister, then break off for completely forced conversations. Kacie B’s father is, indeed, no bullshit, and he says that Kacie should keep in mind that Ben is dating THREE other women right now, that he would NOT give his blessing if Ben asked for permission to marry Kacie, and he wouldn’t be cool with Kacie moving in with Ben in San Francisco. All are probably good calls, but they upset Kacie and make her seem even more juvenile. Yikes.

Next stop on the Small Talk Train: Ft. Worth, Texas, the hometown of Nicki. Nicki and Ben meet up in downtown Ft. Worth and go cowboy hat and cowboy boot shopping. When Ben is all done up like a cowboy he looks like an absolute tool. After their shopping excursion, Ben and Nicki sit in a park and chat, then head to a compound of McMansions, which is where Nicki’s divorced parents are hanging out (with her pasty brother) so that they can all eat dinner together. I give those parents credit. Dinner goes well, but Nicki’s relationship with her mother is more like best friends forever than mother-daughter. Nicki has a 1:1 chat with her father, during which he gets choked up about her divorce and he blames himself. Aww man—that made me get choked up, too. The Bach is really hitting home on this HOMETOWN episode. Then Nicki and Ben have some 1:1 time, during which she tells Ben that she’s in love with him. He doesn’t give much response, which is kinda jerky.

Finally, Ben heads to Scottsdale, Arizona to find out who birthed Beelzebub, aka Courtney. Courtney greets Ben wearing a white dress and boots, showcasing her completely untoned body. Girl is skinny—I’ll give her that. But she looks like she’s never so much as run a 50-yard-dash or lifted a 5 pound weight. Tone it up, girl! They eat lunch with Courtney’s parents and sister, then break off for more forced chats. Courtney has a chat with her mother and we finally see where Courtney got her weird smirks and pursed lips from. Wow. Courtney’s father opines about marriage to Ben, saying that it’s “life’s greatest gamble” and asking Ben if he’s ready to play. I bet Silver Fox wrote that line WEEKS ago and just prayed that he’d get to say it on camera someday. Your prayers are answered, Sweater Vest! After lunch, Courtney takes Ben to a park where weddings are held and from there, the subtlety only gets subtler. Courtney busts out rings and pads on which they can each write vows, then an officiant appears out of nowhere. So THIS is how you get a guy? I’ve been doing it wrong ALL ALONG! Courtney’s supposedly self-written vows are blatantly plagiarized from “Sex & the City,” which is, ironically, a TV show/movie about female friendship, so I am STUNNED that Courtney has seen it. Ben’s vows are cute and you can see that Courtney is a master of puppets, pulling his strings, just like Metallica said.

Then it’s back to L.A. for a chat with Chris Harrison (who gave Ben nothing but poker face) and a rose ceremony. The girls are dressed up and lined up, and how did the roses get doled out?

Courtney (who is wearing an awful, flesh-toned dress)

Lindzi (who is growing on me and wearing a gorgeous, gunmetal, one-shoulder dress)

and the final rose goes to…

Nicki (looking a little too much like a politician’s wife).

So our beloved baton twirler, Kacie B, is going back to Tennessee. I feel bad for her—she’s a lot of fun and a cool girl. I suspect that the age difference and her parents did her in. So now we’re down to Ben and 3 ladies and they’re headed to Switzerland! Do you think that Courtney has even been there on a modeling shoot? I’m sure we’ll find out soon!

Two hilarious videos

2012-02-17T08:40:00.001-08:00

I'm friends with some amazingly hardworking, creative, and inspired people. Here are two awesome videos created by my friends. Check 'em out.

This one is by Jessie Richardson and it's "Real Shit Comedians Say":

This one is an ad for the Clam Restaurant "Cooters" and this ad will be featured in the upcoming stage show by my pal Amy Albert, aka Delilah Dix. Brilliant.

Bach Recap: Mon 2/13

2012-02-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched The Bachelor in real time, like how our forefathers used to watch reality TV before the advent of DVR and TiVo. What an experience! Commercials, huh? What the heck, am I right? But enough with useless questions—let’s get to the recap!

Ben and the 6 remaining ladies (Nicki, Kacie B., Emily, Courtney, Rachel, and Lindzi) travel to Belize and finally hit some nice, sunny weather after last week. Chris Harrison greets the ladies at their gorgeous house, and informs them that this week will be three 1:1 dates (no roses up for grabs on those) and one group date (one rose on that one). Chris says that the 1:1 dates don’t include roses because these dates are tools to Ben to really get to know the girls, without either party being distracted by a rose. The girls looks confused as Chris explains that these 1:1 dates will be about conversation and opening up, just like real dating in the real world. 2 girls will be going home after this week, and then we’re down to 4 and it’s time for HOMETOWNS. Yes, Ben goes to visit FOUR different women (and their respective families) in their hometowns after this week. Holy shits, huh?

The first 1:1 date goes to Lindzi and I know I’m a broken record, but girl needs to EASE UP on the bronzer and eye make-up and invest in some lipstick. Seriously—girl often looks like she wears cover-up as lipstick—it’s creepy. Ben picks up Lindzi and they hop in a helicopter (yawn), then get dropped into the ocean (double yawn). Lindzi spits out a bunch of lame comments about how she and Ben were taking the plunge and jumping in, both literally (from the helicopter) and figuratively (in love) and I can barely keep my take-out sushi dinner down. From there, they go swimming and kiss while they attempt to avoid drowning. Cut to later that night, Ben captains a boat to a dock where pillows, wine, and candles are set up. The producers are kickin’ this romance into overdrive and Ben’s getting the credit! Ben and Lindzi make themselves comfortable on the pillows (though I don’t know if it’s possible to get comfortable on a dock) and Ben begins a conversation that we’ll be seeing a LOT of during this episode: Can you picture taking me to your hometown? What would your parents think? I want you to WANT to bring me home and this is a two-way street, but know that when it comes to this two-way street, I control the flow of traffic completely and I could shut down a lane at any moment, without warning.

The next 1:1 date is Emily, who is super cute, smart, and rad. Those adjectives are ominous in Bachelor world, as smart, career-oriented girls rarely get far on this show. Emily and Ben ride bikes, drink coconut milk, and catch lobsters with their bare hands. That night (once they are cleaned up and changed), those very lobsters sit (dead) on plates in front of Ben and Emily while they talk. THOSE VERY LOBSTERS! SIT THERE! DEAD! Ben asks Emily the same questions and all of her answers are fantastic, plus Emily says that she wishes that she hadn’t wasted her time with Ben talking about Courtney.

Speaking of Courtney (LOOK AT THAT SEGUE! No, not the guy who’s too lazy to use his legs for movement Segway, the actual segue we’re in the midst of at this very moment!), back at the house, Kacie B. and Nicki are bonding over a mutual hatred for Courtney. Amen, brunette ladies! Perceptive Emily was the first one to see it, but finally everybody is getting on the “Courtney Sucks” bandwagon, and not a moment too soon.

The 3^rd 1:1 date car arrives and Courtney’s been bellyaching that she REALLY needs this 1:1 date (because the other 5 women don’t, right?). The date card is for Courtney and she is thrilled, while all of America would prefer to watch her complain and cry a bit more. You can’t always get what you want, right The Rolling Stones and America?

Ben and Courtney’s 1:1 date is an exhausting climb in direct sunlight up the side of a ruin, then wine at the top. Courtney somehow manages to finagle control YET AGAIN (because remember, last week Ben negged her on a late-night meet up) by being needy and complainey. On what planet does the most needy and whiney person emerge as the victor? Only on Planet Bach. Sigh. That night, Courtney and Ben enjoy a candle lit dinner, more of Courtney’s patented side boob, and Ben’s sweaty forehead. Over dinner, Courtney says that she is mostly friends with men, she considers the other women in the house to be “girls” and not “women,” and she doesn’t get along with them and has nothing to say to them. What a catch! A self-hating, virtual sociopath who can’t EVER just make the best of the situation and make a couple friends? Oh yeah, Ben, THIS IS THE ONE YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH, no doubt!

Finally, it’s time for the group date and Ben wakes up Rachel, Kacie B., and Nicki in the middle of the night. Seriously—this show becomes more like sorority pledging every week. Dump ‘em a couple miles from campus and make ‘em walk back, Ben! The girls throw on bikinis and frantically shave their pits and legs while America watches. The foursome boards a sailboat, has a breakfast of champagne, and then goes swimming with sharks. Ben advises the girls that punching a shark in the nose is a good idea (BRILLIANCE!) and only Rachel seems frightened at the prospect of a tipsy shark swim session. After the shark swim, they all go back to the house where they enjoy some drinks poolside, and Ben takes each lady aside to ask the appointed questions in a 1:1 setting. The ladies all answer the questions perfectly well, and reveal their feelings while Ben just soaks it in. The foursome reconvenes and Ben gives Kacie B. the rose, which disappoints Nicki and Rachel. Nicki tells Ben that all the girls just want him to be happy, and that none of them see "happiness" as being with Courtney. I’m SO glad that Kacie and Nicki said something, so Ben can see that Courtney’s just a mean-spirited A hole and it was never a Courtney vs. Emily situation before. Courtney’s an arrogant narcissist and I hope that Ben is somewhere watching these episodes right now and being horrified by how blind he was.

Finally, it’s cocktail party/rose ceremony time and the 6 lovely ladies sit and enjoy some cocktails before Ben’s arrival. But, oh snap, Ben’s not coming for a cocktail party. Chris Harrison informs the half dozen ladies that Ben knows what he wants to do, so it’s time to get down to biz. Line it up, ladies. Ben arrives, but in fact, he DOESN’T totally know what’s up, so he pulls Courtney out of the line so they can have some 1:1 chat time. The other women smile, hoping that the toxic nightmare (Courtney) will be getting the boot shortly. Courtney registers no emotion in her face as she assures Ben that she’s really into him and she's not there for self-promotion, unlike when she dated that shirtless dude from "Desperate Housewives." Then it’s back in line and Ben starts doling out the roses.

Kacie B (poor man’s Minka Kelly) already has one, so she’s safe and is definitely getting a hometown date. Ben has three roses to give out and they go to Lindzi, Nicki… and Courtney. That means that Rachel and Emily, the two bright blondes, are going home and the remaining 4 girls are all brunettes or brunettes with highlights. Those poor blondes. But take comfort in this, my blonde bretheren: Ben might not like you, but the rest of the world worships you. Trust me.

Up next: hometown dates! See ya next MONDAY!

2/6 episode: Tears Run Rings

2012-02-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

HEY LOSERS!

My Bachelor recap is VERY late this week, I know. And I just insulted you within the first two words of this blog entry. I’m a terrible person, but you find my acerbic wit irresistible and charming. Apologies for the belated recap. This week has been pretty nuts with a bunch of shows, a Red Lobster dinner (only the best for my baby, and in this case my baby is me and my pal Sharron), and now I think that I might have Blepharitis. What is Blepharitis, you ask? Well, my best friend Suzanne once had it, too, so perhaps it’s a condition that targets hot blondes. Either way, it’s when your eyelids get red and puffy and you look like you just lost a title fight, but without the bruising and sweat. In short, I look like a wackadoo. So have sympathy for me, wouldja! Let’s get to The Bach, shall we? I’ll try to keep it short since this is so late.

Ben and the 9 remaining ladies fly to Van Halen’s home country, PANAMA! (That VH fact is a lie. Shut up.) The ladies are staying in a Trump Hotel that is the epitome of understatement and subtle classiness. They learn that this week there will be a 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date (during which two women must fight to the death for Ben’s affections. Only kidding—one psycho inevitably gets sent home from that three-way.)

The first date (the coveted 1:1) goes to Poor Man’s Minka Kelly (Kacie B.) and she’s fired up. Ben and Kacie hop a helicopter and are dropped on a completely deserted island, sorority-pledging style. They were each permitted to bring only 3 things, and Ben and Kacie proceed to WORK TOGETHER to build a fire, hack down coconuts and drink the milk, and fish with a giant net. I just wish they’d murdered a clueless nerd named “Piggy,” but I guess they were focusing on romance and bonding, and not reenacting “Lord of the Flies.” Somehow they acquire champagne flutes and champagne, which I doubt either of them brought along as their three things. That night they clean up and go out to dinner, where Ben sweats through his shirt while Kacie doles out the requisite Bachelor “why I am who I am in a short soundbite for easy editing.” Turns out, Kacie is who she is because of/in spite of a 1 year dalliance into high school anorexia. She mentions that she can’t relate to people her own age and I have no idea how this ties in with an eating disorder, but she’s wearing hot blue pumps, so I’ll give it to her. She scores a rose.

Up next is a group date during which Ben and 6 of the ladies hop into a long, thin motorboat, then mingle with a local indigenous tribe. What will these producers think of next? Ben puts on a tiny loin cloth (given to him by the tribe’s chief, and no, I’m not talking about Robert Parish), and the ladies put on small, beaded tops and sarong-type wraps over their bikinis. EXCEPT FOR COURTNEY! Courtney’s got to be different and show that she’s free (obsessed with attention) and savvy (willing to shamelessly throw herself at Ben) by opting for NO bikini top beneath, thereby showing off her boobs (to strangers and their children) and becoming a nightmare for the video editor who needs to wield the black censor bar. As expected, Ben loves it and the other women hate her. Later that night, the Ben and his harem have a cocktail party where they drink, chat, and Courtney shows that she’s incapable of accepting an apology with any grace or class. She just keeps getting better! Jamie, who has been pretty cheesy and flown under the radar throughout the season, finally tries to step up her game by talking to Ben and alluding to the fact that she’d like to “do so many things” to him. Oh girl—it’s too much, too late. While she gives this monologue, she’s rocking a gold, plastic top and a ton of gold shimmer eye shadow. Jamie, you’re a SWEET gal and you have a heart of gold, but I have a phone message for you: 1999 called and they want their look back. Toward the end of the night Lindzi (horse girl who claims to wear no make-up, but her make-up was somehow perfect and THICK throughout the rainy boat ride and tribal dancing thing) scores a rose. Courtney is pissed and tells Ben that he should visit her in her hotel room. Things are getting even more “Fatal Attraction” and thankfully, Ben doesn’t show.

Finally, it’s time for the 2:1 date of Ben, Blakeley, and Rachel. Blakeley has been SO fired up for this date, which is weird because everybody knows she’ll definitely be getting the Heisman at the end of it. The trio learn Salsa dancing together and Blakeley alludes to the fact that dancing is something she’s very good at (read: she’s a stripper). Rachel gives it her all, but her idea of “shaking her hips” looks like a bad 90’s music video. The salsa lesson is soon over, and they all change clothes for dinner. Blakeley is dressed in what resembles a tiny, white nightgown with a championship belt and she somehow has confidence for days. Rachel is a bit more laid back with Ben. Each gal gets some 1:1 face time with Ben, during which Blakeley shows Ben a collage scrapbook of delusion and assumption. I’ve seen some corny shit on “The Bachelor” before, but this might qualify as unprecedented. The cover of Blakeley’s scrapbook said “Ben Flanick” and then a bunch of adjectives to describe him. Oh man. Wait, Blakeley, you’re over the age of 14, right? She walks Ben through the scrapbook, page-by-cringeworthy-page, showing him the different words and pictures she has pasted into her scrapbook while he has been busy dating other women. Gurl—sometimes showing interest just isn’t enough. There has to be some “there” there, ya know? The trio reconvene at the dinner table, where Ben gives Rachel the rose and opts to send Blakeley home. Ouch. She cries A LOT and hugs him A LOT, but finally gets in the van.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is at Concubine Central and somehow Casey’s ex-boyfriend has contacted him to say that he and Casey are still dating. Chris Harrison confronts Casey and she is first SHOCKED (she almost jumped when he said it), then she admits that she’s not totally over her ex, even though he doesn’t want to get married and she really wants to get married. Chris takes Casey up to Ben’s room, where he appears shocked to see her, despite the fact that you can see a 3 man camera crew in his bedroom. If there were an Emmy category for “Feigning Shock on a Reality TV Show,” this episode of “The Bachelor” would win handily. Casey needs to go home and deal with her ex (so she says—I think she should just walk away, but not walk onto a TV show), so she leaves. NUTS!

That night is a cocktail party and rose ceremony, and walking into the ceremony Kacie B. (Poor Man’s Minka), Lindzi (“Dirt is my make-up! And so is a thick layer of bronzer, eyeliner, blush, and eyeshadow!”), and Rachel (who scored a rose only because she DIDN’T make a collage scrapbook) are safe and have roses. Jamie needs to get more aggressive, as she’s the only girl who hasn’t kissed Ben yet. Ben and Jamie sit down for some 1:1 time during which they engage in the most awkward, forced, clinical “flirting” I’ve ever seen. Finally it’s rose ceremony time and Ben has roses for Nicki, Courtney, and Emily. That leaves awkward sweetheart Jamie with a one-way ticket back to the real world.

Ben and the remaining ladies do a champagne toast and learn the next location where they’ll bounce around in bikinis and enjoy the beauty of nature while being trailed by a camera crew: BELIZE!

New standup clip

2012-02-09T11:28:00.001-08:00

Hey Amigos! I'll watch Monday's episode of The Bachelor tonight after I hit the gym. I promise! In the meantime, here's a fun clip that's up on RooftopComedy.com from a recent show: