Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Finale

Last night was the Bachelorette Finale AND After the Final Rose and in the months between the taping of the finale and last night's live "After the Final Rose" SOMEBODY got a nose job.  Who?  More on that later.

For months my pal Natalie Shure has been encouraging me to real Reality Steve spoilers and see how the Bachelorette producers edit storylines to mislead viewers, but I've always been a Bach purist.  I want to watch the magic unfold without any outside information--just like a regular citizen of Bachelor Nation.  But I may change my ways after this. 

Last night kicked off with Kaitlyn's sweet, Canadian family arriving in Malibu where they met Nick and Shawn.  Her family seems fantastic and their frank talk about sex (there were repeated uses of the phrase "went too far") was pretty stunning and inspiring.  Her sister Haley seems fantastic and I love me some two tone hair (I'm rocking some right now, in fact), but hers was a little bit too skunk-like.  Every time they showed her on screen I kept feeling like I was watching Flower from Bambi: 

I'm from Canada and I'm on Team Shawn! 
Nick arrives first with flowers and wine and soon he is making subtle jabs at Andi ("last season I was there for the experience--to travel.  This season I was here for the girl.")  After some initial pleasantries, he is subject to the most awkward conversation of all time with Leslie, Kaitlyn's mom.  Leslie calls him possessive, jealous, and arrogant (from what she saw last season) and Nick charms her by crying and saying that he loves Kaitlyn and she's incredible.  Tears get 'em every time! After some conversation, Kaitlyn's parents both like Nick.  

The next day Shawn rolls up with flowers, wine AND a gift for the children of Haley (aka Sister Skunk)! Slam dunk, Connecticut! Apparently Kaitlyn had warned her family that Shawn wasn't especially well spoken (ouch, but I've been there) and Kaitlyn's father remarked that he was pleasantly surprised by how poised Shawn turned out to be.  Life is full of surprises--my future son-in-law can talk!  Sister Haley switches from Team Nick to Team Shawn after only knowing Shawn for an hour and in a move that made me literally clap, Shawn pulls aside BOTH of Kaitlyn's parents to ask their permission for him to propose. THANK YOU. Moms never get enough credit in the traditional marriage structure--usually the guy just asks the dad for permission and then the dad gets to walk the bride down the aisle. What about moms? Way to go, Shawn.  I may have said that you look like a knot and I'm definitely going to continue to talk shit about you, but that was a solid move.

Up next are the final dates.  Nick's final date with Kaitlyn is a day of cuddling on a boat, then an evening of making out by a fire.  Nick has a gift for Kaitlyn and it's a poem he wrote that made me positively BREAK OUT IN DUMB CHILLS.  I heard "there is a magic in your eyes" and had to put on my ear muffs.  Blech.

The next day is Kaitlyn and Shawn's final date and their awkwardness is palpable, which felt like a deliberate choice by the producers.  At every turn it seemed like Kaitlyn was going to pull a Desiree and burst into tears and dump the guy pre-rose ceremony.  But she held it together long enough to receive a Memory Jar from him, chock full of knick knacks and photos from their courtship.  It was cute, but all I could wonder is how the heck do you fly back to Canada with a giant, glass jar?  LOGISTICS got me all bugaboo!

Finally, it's proposal/heartbreak day and the boys each pick a ring courtesy of the diamond-peddler who makes house calls, Neil Lane.  Nick makes an awkward joke about how he was glad it was Neil Lane at the door and not Kaitlyn (because Andi dumped him in his hotel room last time) and, in retrospect, his relief was foolish. Hindsight is 20/20 and your reality TV heartbreak record is about to be 0 and 2, Nick.

The gang suits up:
Shawn in sexy black, Nick in blue and tan and those damn beaded bracelets (you made a wrong turn on your way to the Phish concert, kid) and Kaitlyn in a stunning Ice Capades-style blush gown (and normally I HATE beige and blush) that contrasts beautifully against her dark hair and dark eyes. In an unprecedented move, they're going to have the rose ceremony at the Bachelor Manse!  Dozens of party girls and fuck bois have peed into that pool and now two lovebirds will formalize their commitment right next to it.  I love romance!

Who rolls up first? NICK!! Bachelor Nation knows exactly what 1st arrival means: BYE BYE BYE.

Nick is about to be rejected on network television for the 2nd time!  One more rejection and your next Bachelorette is free, kiddo!  Nick dives into a mologue about his love for Kaitlyn and she stands there and takes it, blinking a lot and holding her blinks for a while.  Ouch.  Finally,  he goes to reach for the ring box and she stops him.  Ooof.  Kaitlyn stumbles as she attempts to give an explanation and Nick says that he simply doesn't want to hear it (which I can completely understand). She ends up talking about herself a lot, rather than complimenting him profusely (which is the move that most people pull when negging suitors on The Bachelorette) and he makes the cryptic remark "you took things from me" which struck me as odd. Usually Bach breakups are more sad than they are tense, but this one was very tense and uncomfortable.  Nick hops in the limo, throws off his claddah ring, and says "I'm the world's biggest joke."  Ouch.  You are, but still, ouch.

Shawn walks up and launches in on a tirade that I swear I've read on OKCupid before, describing Kaitlyn as his "best friend, team mate, partner in crime" (I nearly puked at that one.  I'm sorry but the "partner in crime" thing is so friggin' CORNY!  What are you, Bonnie and Clyde? NO, you aren't but get this--my late grandmother Fern was once babysat by Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde fame! Seriously!).  Kaitlyn messes with Shawn a bit saying that she has to be honest with him and tell him the truth and then pauses for a WHILE before saying she she is completely his.  Shawn gets down on a knee, Kaitlyn kisses him, and somewhere Neil Lane erupts in applause as we watch an OVERHEAD, slow shot of the diamond going onto Kaitlyn's ring finger.  They hug, kiss, make out.

But wait, there is YET MORE BACH to be watched!

Right after that sweet ending, we're ready for the "After the Final Rose" special and the happy couple is ready to talk to Chris Harrison about their love.  Kaitlyn's in a gorgeous, low cut, white dress and Shawn is rocking a straight up NEW NOSE!  I called it immediately, then doubted myself (maybe the studio lighting is better than the location lighting of the season), but thankfully my pal Kerri Doherty reached out and confirmed my suspicion.  Plastic surgery is totally cool with me--you do you.  But there's something I find a bit odd about a DUDE getting plastic surgery in between the final episode and "After the Final Rose" and I know, I'm a jerk who somehow finds it OK for women to get plastic surgery, but not men.  Shitty double standard on my part.  I just wonder what that nose job means for Shawn's post-Bachelorette plans--does he want to become a D list "actor" in LA?  Nose job sure leads me to think that's what he wants!

Nick comes on to talk about his Catfish-style initial contact with Kaitlyn (which sounded pretty intense, at least for a non face-to-face interaction) and how he was hesitant to "pull a Chris Bukowski" (HILARIOUS reference to this loser Bach reject who friggin' keeps trying to come back) but he really liked her.  Shawn and Nick have a face-to-face during which Shawn sounds like a complete blowhard, insisting that they BOTH should have simply focused on Kaitlyn more (ummm, Nick DID that, Poor Man's Ryan Gosling--YOU were the one who was unable to pull that off) and acting like a big a jerk, I think.  Dude--you won.  Be graceful about it--you got what you wanted--stop giving Nick attitude, please.

Finally, Nick and Kaitlyn get some face time and Nick asks her straight up whey she said that she loved him and why she didn't send him home sooner.  Chris Harrison wisely chimes in that there's no such thing as a good breakup (trite, but true) and Nick says that he wishes Kaitlyn had been a bit more considerate of his feelings (I get that).  Nick wishes her the best and returns to his lair where he will plan his next sojourn into the Bachelorette world (just kidding--I'm thinking he's all Reality TV Love-ed out by now).

The episode closes with Kaitlyn, Shawn, and Shawn's new nose on the couch and Shawn saying that he's glad he can defend Kaitlyn from the cyber bullies now that the news is out, which strikes me as a bit funny since the cyber bullies mostly emerged after she slept with "That Guy" and not Shawn.

I'll be interested to see if Nick emerges on any future Bachelor franchise--Bachelor In Paradise, perhaps?

What did you think?  Did they producers edit the footage to make it seem like Kaitlyn + Nick was an inevitable match?  I felt like they did!  Did you see Kaitlyn + Shawn coming?  Comments below! :)  

Bachelorette Finale: Video Recap

My super quick video recap is live on AOL Rise and you can watch it here.  Full recap to come.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Tonight is the night!!

Tonight is the night!  Kaitlyn picks between weasely yet somehow charming Nick (who MUST be a great kisser) and musclebound lunk Shawn (who insists that he's super Irish, though he doesn't spell his name the Irish way, so I gotta wonder).  In honor of tonight's finale (which I will be live tweeting then video recapping for AOL Rise, of course), let's bust out some RELEVANT JAMZ:

My bean town boys know what's up!

La Bouche knows when it's going down--tonight!!

And ABBA gives us the hard truth:

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All (And Get Down on Bended Knee)

Last night was the standard "The Men Tell All" episode of the season, the shameless add-on of an episode to sell more ad space (according to my smart and cynical pal Natalie Shure).  I find "The Women Tell All" to be a more interesting episode than "The Men Tell All" for two reasons:
(1) the women have often changed their look drastically and it's fun to see what they have done with hair dye, bronzer, and accessories;
(2) the women are usually more willing to brawl within the group and/or cry.

Having a crew of men "tell all" rarely invokes the dramatics and histrionics that Bachelor Nation loves so much, but we'll take what we can get.

My video recap here here on AOL Rise.

Who showed up to "tell all" last night?

-Ryan M - the guy who got SUPER drunk on night 1 and was escorted out. His hair is longer now, probably in an attempt to be unrecognizable!
-Tony - the bonkers healer is back and he's still rocking a thumb ring.
-Cory - bland, blonde guy whose claim to fame is that he is the Cory without an "e."
-Ian - the worst thing to happen to Princeton University since the tools from The Tiger Inn decided to run their mouths on email.
-Kupah - the "entrepreneur" from Boston who who is rocking a SNUG short sleeved button down (the worst) and a fitted vest.
-Corey - introduced as "Corey with an e" by Chris Harrison (he cracks me up) and he reveals himself to be a real piece of shit in this episode, much to my surprise.
-Joshua - visibly NOT happy to be there. Sorry you got a free trip to LA, guy.
-Clint - gets creepier by the minute.  He has grown some awful facial hair, too!
-Justin - known for being the dimmest bulb in the Bachelorette candelabra, which is saying a LOT.
-JJ - psychopath that is 1/2 of the Clint/JJ bromance has lost some weight and looks shockingly not terrible with a  beard.
-Tanner - comic relief is back & calling 'em like he sees 'em, which I dig.
-Joe - squished face is rocking some NICE white pants and bare ankles. Helloooo there!
-Chris Cupcake - meh.  I still don't get the deal with that guy.
-Ben Z. - still looking like a stack of piping hot man meat. CALL ME!
-Jared - I bet he is a LEGEND at Warwick, Rhode Island's TGIFridays now!
-Ben H. - I still don't quite get it, but I fear I may have to (as he will be the next Bachelor).

These boys are showing a lotta ankle and everyone looks almost exactly the same (snooze).  I'll be honest, attempting to write a thrilling recap of an episode that feels more like "My Dinner With Andre" (in that it's just talking heads, for the most part) isn't that easy, but I'll try and I'll do so, as is my wont, in a bulleted list:

-Wow Corey with an "e" I never realized what a jerk you were during the season, but I shouldn't be surprised that an Investment Banker based in NY, NY is a dolt.  It's people like YOU who make dating in those town a nightmare!  Good try at the slut shaming but it didn't quite work, jag wad.
-Tanner lights into Ian right out of the gate and I LOVE IT!  The best part was when Tanner said that Ian acted "butt hurt" simply because Kaitlyn didn't like him.  Nice work, my man Tan!
-Just when we thought that Ian couldn't get any stranger, he gets up like a lawyer with a dramatic closing argument, removes his jacket, and proceeds to get down on a knee and apologize to the guys, to his own mother (huh?), and to Kaitlyn.  Bad moves throughout the season, but good groveling, Ian.
Is that Ian groveling or a hit song by Boys II Men circa 1994?
Either way, kid is on bended knee and looks like an absolute tool. 
-Kupah and Joshua take issue with the phrase "I see my  husband in this room" and how Kaitlyn said that phrase before Nick arrived, so was she LYING? Guys, get real.  That is a phrase that is meaningless and is used in every damn season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Are you seriously going to try to fact check your way into her heart?  Sometimes people say things in the context of a relationship and then there is a breakup and those claims of "we'll grow old together" or "when we visit this city together we'll do that thing" are moot.  Sure, it sucks, but deal with it!
-Ben Z. gets in the hot seat and admits that he STILL has not cried in 11+ years.  With all due respect because Ben's hot (and I only respect hot dudes (JK--not really kidding, though)), being completely devoid of emotion is a pretty unappealing trait.
-Sweet Jared admits that he thinks of Kaitlyn every time he hears The Cranberries "Linger" now and he hears it quite often.  I feel ya, man.  I'm ashamed to admit that Damn Yankees "High Enough" reminds me of some college crushes and almost makes me cry every time I hear it.
-Ben H. addresses his fear that he's unlovable and he wins me over one more time.  He talks about having no closure and while I DO tend to think that closure is a gift you give yourself (thanks, therapy and my sister Laurel for teaching me that), I also think that a closing conversation is a powerful thing (and wish I had had one in my last breakup, but he sure aint reading this recap).
-Kaitlyn rocks another Ice Capades-style dress that looks like a dream on her--sparkles, cute neckline, short skirt, silver heels.  Can we share your stylist and you pay the bill, girl?
-Kaitlyn's response to Jonathan's inquiry about the "I can see my husband in this room" line was brilliant: didn't you vote for Britt?  Ha! Thank you.
-In a pretty shocking and upsetting moment, Chris Hanson reads 3 toxic, super mean tweets/messages that Kaitlyn received as a result of HumpGate.  She was called all manner of cruel, slut shaming names and my first thought was that Juan Pablo received NO SUCH BACKLASH when HE engaged in the exact same thing even earlier in the process. Sexual double standards are alive and well and props to The Bachelorette for addressing them head-on.  Stay strong, Kaitlyn.  Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Overall, it was a jovial, fun episode and the guys who made themselves look like jerks during the season (Ryan, Ian) apologized.  Clint remained creepy and Corey revealed that he sucks.

Next week is the finale and thank you sweet ABC producers, it's just going to me a 2 hour episode on Monday night.  I thought that they were going to pull a "Sunday + Monday Finale Extravaganza" on me, but mercifully they are not.

The ARE giving us more Bach hookups, though, in the form of Bachelor In Paradise starting in early August.  I can't bring myself to recap that one--I need my Monday nights back!

But before Beachside STD Shack (Bachelor in Paradise) can start, The Bachelorette has got to wrap up.  Who do you think she'll pick--weasley Nick or simpleton Shawn?  My money's on Nick.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: And Then There Were Two (Who Hate Each Other)


I watched The Bachelorette live on Monday night along with my pal Natalie and I filmed a hilarious, super short recap of AOL Rise (watch here) but, as usual, my full recap is a bit late.  This week has been filled with "those days" when everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, ya know?  Well, at least it's summer and I have a bitching tan (though my dermatologist was NOT pleased with me when I saw her yesterday).  Anyherrrrr--it's BACH RECAP TIME!

On Monday night we had 3 contenders:
Shawn - who continues to look like a knot and, as my pal Ali wisely pointed out, speaks with a bizarre Connecticut drawl;
Nick - who is back for his 2nd round of Bachelorette love because he's a glutton for punishment;
Ben H. - who really should have morphed into just "Ben" by now, but somehow he hasn't.

The episode opens with Shawn and Nick arguing (right where we left off!) and Shawn pointing out that if Kaitlyn likes Nick, then obviously she'd never be interested in him because they are SUCH different guys.  Yeah, brosef, that's the dynamic that comes up ALL THE TIME.  Remember during Jake's "On the Wings of Love" season when 4th runner up Ali Fedotowsky HATED Vienna and thought that Jake liking Vienna meant that she couldn't be the girl for Jake (and it truly meant that)?  Shawn, you're not making any new points here.  And the points you ARE making, you're making badly.  Also, did you or did you not sleep with a D list country singer the same night as your buddy? It's crass, yes, but it's a bizarre bragging point that Shawn allegedly made and Nick has wisely kept up his sleeve until just now.  Thanks to The Bachelorette, America now knows what "Eskimo Brothers" are and it's disgusting!

Kaitlyn and Ben H. have a 1:1 date and Ben's sweater game is on fleek, as the tweens would say (am I the worst or am I THE BEST for using "on fleek" and "tweens" in a sentence? THE BEST!).  They have a sweet day date, then as sleepover in a castle, and Ben leaves.  Ben seems nice, but Bachelor Nation knows that he's not really a contender, despite what Kaitlyn says about the Shawn vs. Nick rivalry making her dislike both of them.

The next day it's Kaitlyn and Shawn's 1:1 date and they suit up for a day on the links (that's rich people speak for "golfing," right?).  Kaitlyn is super fun no matter what she's doing (she's seriously the most fun, accessible Bachelorette ever) and she challenges Shawn to a bet that results in him getting naked on the golf course.  It's hilarious and charming and for a brief moment there, I don't think Shawn is an overly intense psychopath.  A BRIEF MOMENT!

Over dinner, Kaitlyn asks Shawn point blank about the "eskimo brothers" thing and he calls Nick "delusional" and "ridiculous" but never responds to the actual allegation.  Somewhere in America, Shawn's Eskimo Brother buddy is screaming at his TV, "you can't handle the truth!" Shawn: Congratulations on achieving the impossible--making me root for Nick.

"I know nothing about this person!
Nick is DELUSIONAL!" -Shawn 
The next morning, as Shawn is doing his walk of shame, Nick intercepts him and asks him if they can chat.  Their conversation consists of Shawn insisting that he's "not one to talk about other people behind their back." WELL THAT'S RICH COMING OUTTA YOU, KID!  How about I replay this entire SEASON for you, Shawn, and you can see that you indeed ARE someone who talks about other people behind their backs.  Nick barely said BOO about Shawn to Kaitlyn but every time Shawn spoke to Kaitlyn it would be about Nick.  Shawn needs to follow some of my favorite mantras: Run your own race.  Eyes on your own paper. Stop worrying about who else is humping your lady while you're on a reality TV show in which you will be edited to look like a jag no matter what you do.  STANDARD MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES!

But seriously, this is the most antagonistic final 2 (spoiler alert) that I've ever seen in all my years of watching and recapping.  Usually the final guys are able to just focus on their connection and not even THINK about the other relationship that is going on simultaneously.

So yes, rose ceremony time and Kailtyn's outfit is CRUCIAL.  Orange dress (bold color), low cut neckline, double stick tape--it's my dream dress!  She looks like she just stumbled out of Studio 54 and I love it.  She hands out roses to Nick then Shawn, so Ben H. is going home.  He exits gracefully (though no one exited with quite as much grace as Jared the Rhode Island boy) but buckles his seat belt over his suit on the ride home.  Car safety is important, but man, a seat belt over a suit just looks SO BAD, am I right?  Almost as bad as a suit worn with a backpack--that is THE WORST. Are you a little boy dressed up as a man? Get a duffel bag, guy!  But I digress...

Next, Kaitlyn meets Nick and Shawn's families, and I'll express that in a few bullets:

Nick's family
-Everybody's crying and the dumping hasn't even happened (yet?)
-I love the occasional references to Nick's relationship with Andi.   He basically says that he didn't like her that much and had to take a "leap of faith" and his mom says that she didn't feel a connection between Nick and Andi last year.
-Their silly dance for the family looked really cute.
-He's got it in the bag.

Shawn's family
-What's the scoop with the no show mom!? I'm curious about that one!
-Dad really knows how to say phrases that the producers will edit to trick us!
-Did you see zits on Shawn's back he was changing? ROID RAGE?
-Kaitlyn's boot game is on LOCK!

Next week is the Men Tell All and it's always my favorite episode.  I will have many more witty zingers to share, readers.  And I'll get my post up sooner, I promise! xoxo

Monday, July 13, 2015

Podcast - It's Not You, It's Us

Hello amigos!

I was recently on Jon Fisch, Kendra Cunningham, and Andy Fiori's fun,  new podcast, It's Not You, It's Us and you can listen to us talk about romance, relationships, and "my type" right here:

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 9: That Dress, Though!


As always, I'm late with this post.  I'm currently in Springfrield, Missouri for my sweet grandmother's funeral, so that is why my recap is a bit delayed and it will be a quickie.

I did a video recap for AOL Rise on Monday night and you can watch it here.

My thoughts on Monday's episode in rapid-fire, bullet format:

-Ben H. looks like Peter Brady, sure (is that a good thing?) but I'm still surprised that he's a contender.  Their row boat ride gave me flashbacks to "The Notebook."
-When the date card arrived and Jared attempted to explain the REAL definition of "run amuck" to the guys, I was stunned.  He managed to hide it all season but in that moment we learned that he is an IDIOT with no idea what double meanings are! Bah!
-Hell yeah Kaitlyn for saying "I'm a grown woman, I can do what I want" and not coming off as regretful about HumpGate, but just thoughtful about the implications that it will have on her other relationships.  She is dealing with this whole situation brilliantly.
-Sweet Joe turned into Curt Joe the moment Kaitlyn dropped him and I can't say I blamed him.  Their relationship simply started too late, but that final scene was painful to watch.
-Shawn looks more and more like a knot with each passing episode.  I appreciate when he responded to HumpGate by needing time alone and then saying that he needs to "man up" and simply push forward and focus on HIS relationship with Kaitlyn, but was disappointed when he backpedaled from that and let his jealousy take over later in the episode.  Dude, run your own race.
-Can we talk about Kaitlyn's silver, mirror dress from that rose ceremony and how it was disco perfection?! I WANT THAT DRESS! Was Mirrorball a Sarah McLachlan album circa 2000-something, or Kaitlyn's dress from the rose ceremony when she sent Jared packing?

-Nice attempt at a power play during the rose ceremony, Shawn.  Blech.  Stop trying to have the upper hand by being sad that your GF slept with someone else and manipulating her emotions with your sadness.  Sack up and move on, or walk away.
-Jared's rejection: what a class act!  He holds it together, acts like a gentleman, and wishes her all the best.  I'd like to take breakup lessons from Jared.  Although, I think I handle them pretty well.  The last time I got dumped I just said "OK" and the conversation was over.  Who needs to talk it out?  I'm a WASP?  I'll drink a white wine spritzer through this heartbreak, thank you very much!
-Does Shawn do anything OTHER than brood and stare off?  Bicep curls, obviously, cause those tight henleys aint getting snug without some serious bicep curls and triceps kickbacks, but anything ELSE?
-Nick and Kaitlyn's fantasy suite dated looked like a really good time--those two crazy kids have great chemistry (sorry, Shawn).

Can't wait to watch Shawn and Nick argue about the fact that they hate each other next week! xoxo