This week we were yet again treated to a double dose of Bachelor, with the hometown dates episode airing on Monday, then a “Sean Tells All” episode on Tuesday. I can’t keep up with this much Bach and lead a functional life, ABC! Back up off me, back up off me, wouldja! The “Sean Tells All” episode is a new development (UNPRECEDENTED! as Chris Harrison would say) and I tuned in just long enough to have him say that he dodged a bullet by sending Tierra home. Good boy, Sean!
Hometowns were a thrill ride of tears, half-eaten dinners served Last Supper style (that is, everyone one a long table), and bad tattoos (I’m looking at you, Desiree’s brother).
Up first was AshLee and Sean met her in Houston, TX where her father is a preacher, much like how Sean’s father AND grandfather are both preachers at his church in Dallas. How is ANY competition still going on with those facts in place? Sean’s the son of a preacher man and so is AshLee—holy Dusty Springfield these two well-mannered lovebirds should build a nest! Over dinner, AshLee and Sean tell her parents of their travels and romance and AshLee is a little too candid about the romance part. Girl, nobody’s father wants to hear that his daughter was rolling around in the sand “From Here to Eternity”-style while videocameras rolled. Tears abound and overall, AshLee’s parents are a lot like she is: earnest, positive, good people.
Up next is Catherine’s family in
Seattle, but before Sean can meet three
generations of women, he and Catherine try their hands at fish catching in the Pike Place Fish Market. Catherine wears her hair down
while behind the fish counter and ABC had better pray that the Department of
Health doesn’t watch Bach, or that market will be SHUT DOWN! (Trust me—in the food service world, nobody
even cares if you have phenomenal hair—you’d better tie it back!) They explore Seattle, walking through shops,
chewing bubble gum and adding it to a filthy wall of bubble gum (I could hardly
watch), and reviewing how to show respect to an elder. At the house, Sean meets Catherine’s
grandmother (who loves Sean right away), her mother (whose response to Sean’s
inquiry about Catherine’s hand in marriage is, “We’ll see what happens!”), and
her two sisters (who love saying “like” almost as Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie aka Daniella did earlier this season). The sisters do a great job of torpedoing
Catherine’s hopes of ending up with Sean, telling him that she’s moody and
immature. With family like that, who
needs enemies? One thing that WAS
refreshing about the visit to Catherine’s family is that they showed a lower
middle class existence, which The Bach normally NEVER touches.
Sean’s 3rd stop was Army brat Lindsay’s hometown of Fort Leonard Wood, MO, where Lindsay’s father is a 2 star General. Lindsay and Sean had some 1:1 time first and she was completely useless when Sean asked how he should address her father (THANKS FOR NOTHING, Wedding Dress!) and then Lindsay acted as his drill sergeant while he did an Army-style workout. It was very 50 SHADES OF GREY if that book took place on an Army base and the younger woman was dominating the older man instead of the other way around and I had read that crappy book. Lindsay’s parents seem great and her younger brother is preciously awkward. Sean and her father go down to his man cave for a beer and man talk, during which Sean asks for permission to marry Lindsay and General Dad responds by comparing The Bachelor to the experience of a paratrooper jumping from a helicopter into enemy territory. I bet everything is a military analogy to that guy and it cracks me up. General Dad gives Sean a pair of dog tags before he leaves, so at least if Sean gets shot in enemy territory, they can ID his body (or whatever… I got a little lost in that analogy).
The last stop on the Love Locomotive is Desiree’s hometown of
, where she and Sean go hiking in a canyon
(is there ANYTHING else to do in LA than constantly hike and be vegan?),
then prep dinner for her parents and brother.
While they are prepping, a scrawny guy shows up at Desiree’s door and
claims to be her heartbroken ex-boyfriend.
Before you can say, “Wait, didn’t Sean play a ‘prank’ on Desiree during
their 1st date when he tried to frame her for breaking an expensive
piece of art?” Desiree shouts “GOTCHA” (is there a more annoying word/instinct
in the world?) and reveals that it was all a BIG PRANK and it’s payback for
that moronic “prank” from the 1st date. Hey Des & Sean: can you guys both stop being
losers? That would be great. Los Angeles, CA
Finally, Desiree’s family arrives and her parents are absolutely delightful: super sweet, genuine, open-minded. Sharing a tent as a home in childhood must make siblings TIGHT because Desiree’s brother is overprotective and NOT happy that Sean is dating his sister. Brother Nate must have learned the word “reciprocation” yesterday because he drops it in conversation about 10 times while he’s gesturing with his tattoo-covered HANDS (tats are cool, but hand tats is where I draw the line—it’s just trashy, I’m sorry) about how Sean must be a sleezy guy. Oh, that’s rich. Isn’t that the white trash piece of junk calling the earnest virgin bachelor black (or however that saying goes)?
Finally, it’s rose ceremony time and all the ladies are looking gorgeous (although Desiree’s gold dress is a lil too short for thick legs like she has—just a friendly tip, gurl!). The 4 ladies are all lined up (final 4 is all brunettes, which breaks my heart, but aligns with my blonde/brunette dating recommendation in my forthcoming book THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES—out on April 23, 2013!) and Sean’s about to start doling out the roses but Desiree interrupts. She pulls him aside to apologize for her brother’s rude behavior and terrible choice in tats. But will it make a difference? We’re about to find out.
Who scores a sweet flower?
AshLee (HECK to the YES. Sean has GOT to end up with her or the gods must be crazy)
Lindsay (I think Sean just wants to hear more interesting military analogies, and who wouldn’t?)
There’s only one rose left, as Chris Harrison reminds us (thereby justifying his salary) and it goes to…
Catherine (I guess Sean will take “moody and immature” over “disgruntled white trash brother.” I don’t see Catherine making it to the final 2, though.)
Sean walks Desiree out and she repeatedly says that she’s “100% sure" Sean made the wrong decision and tries to argue her way back into the house. Oh Des, have you never been dumped? Save a lil face, girl, and get in the friggin’ limo where you can lose your shit in relative privacy (minus the whole “this is a network TV show” part). Sean tries to soothe her, saying that he’ll miss her and she responds, “then don’t let me go.” No no no, girl. He’s saying he’ll miss you, but he’s willing to miss you—WALK AWAY. May I recommend a book, Desiree? It’s called HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (I know, I know). Take it from someone who has gone through her fair share of breakups (the best/worst of which was a tool who I met in a comedy writing class and he claimed that he was breaking up with me because he “wanted to focus on his comedy, THEN meet a lady.” Yeah, cause you get to pick the order that things happen like that! That jag recently got married despite the fact that he has NO comedy career. Score one for the jilted blonde who actually gets booked on comedy shows, eh? But I digress), just walk away. Don’t try to “figure it out” or convince anyone to care about you. It will never work, so just walk.
Was that motivational speech about break-ups long enough for ya, sweet reader?
Next Monday Sean and the trio are in
sun, fun, and high-pressure romance. If
there’s one thing that I’ve learned from about a decade of Bachelor watching,
it’s that Desiree will most likely show up at Sean’s hotel in Thailand to
“get closure.” I can’t wait!